GOOD MORNING AND HAPPY MONDAY, you Supastar you...
Whaddya say you and me and Mary Katherine SPANK MONDAY'S ASS!!! YEAH!!
Take THAT, MONDAY!!!
'Cause this one's bigger than this one. And Monday ain't so tough.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MONDAY???
You ain't so tough.
So, do what you have to do to prepare...
Whatever that might be.
And remember that
only a fool hesitates.
So, wrestle those demons that are whispering doubt in your ears... telling you that you're not good enough... that you don't deserve it. Whatever IT may be. And punch 'em in the boobs! YEAH, TAKE THAT, BOOB!
And even if
it doesn't quite turn out how you planned.
The time's going to go by anyway, regardless of what you do... Time keeps its own time.
So, you'll get back up and dust yourself off.
And do what you have to do to prepare...
Whatever that might be.
And remember it's good to surround yourself with people who will dance with you no matter what.
Don't waste time on the others.
And even if you don't quite reach your destination, you'll be headed in the right direction. Because persistence still pays off. And knowing that you did your best, you'll be able to feel rest assured that you'll be a SUPASTAR in the most important of eyes...
Your own.
So, do your best.
Because less is less.
NOW, LET'S SNIFF OUR ARMPITS AND GO OUT THERE AND KICK MONDAY'S ASS!!!
Monday?
You ain't so tough...
But, we sure are.
AIN'T WE, BISHES!
dang.
**"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." ~Winston Churchill
Oohhh... It's MUSIC that makes you lose control...
I couldn't breathe the first thirty times I saw this. She's so excited to surprise him. Then the way he looks at the empty box on the sofa with apprehension like, "Uh-oh. Now, what..."
And once she kicked off her shoes, I knew it was all downhill from there.
I can identify with this poor thing.
Friday night, the last words Will said to me before he rolled over and went to sleep were, "Your name is not "Carlisle". I don't want to see your "kitty", because you don't have one, you're a boy. Now, Good Night."
SEE? Just throw me down the basement stairs AND PISS ON MY HEAD, WHY DON'T YOU!! So much for role-playing...
Me and that poor thing pole dancing, well... we're like sisters-in-arms, we are.
The following video is disturbing, but completely mesmerizing and once I picked my strong, sexy, defined yet sophisticated jaw (my pointy chin) up off the floor, I must admit I began to snicker. And after the shock wore off, I can't help guffawing at these people... It leads me to believe that when people like this have diarrhea, they must rub their 4 brain cells together to remind themselves that they're actually not melting.
"MMAAA!! WHAT'S HHAAPPENIN'?? I'M MELTIN'!!"
Ma, "Oh Junior, we done beeen through dis beefor. Ya gots the sheets is all."
Junior, "Oh... tha's right. I remembers nows, Mama. Well, thanks baby Jesus. Thanks for not meltin' me and my Ma. Even though it smells like we is. Aamen. And puleeze tell Santa I said, "Hi". Now, aamen."
There's just too many wonderful things to quote from this footage. But, here's a few;
"BOYCOTT HOLLYWOOD AND ALL OF THE COMMIES!!! MCCARTHY AND JOHN WAYNE WERE RIGHT!!"
"STOP THE SPENDING OR LEARN CHINESE!!"
"IIii'addd liiike to see a Chreeestiiun in the Whiiite House."
And look for her later in the clip (she won't be difficult to spot), when she starts crying it's just so fucking money.
The CZAR comments are truly awe-inspiring...
And my favorite?
"It hasn't even been a year yet and he's destroyed MOST of the country! I mean, come on! That's crazy!"
You guys, it's true. I mean... this is my neighborhood since Barack took office in January,
And the White House has honed a laser that just this morning came shooting out of President Obama's hole and it destroyed this car on my street!
That's the paperboy running for his life.
And Barack's honed-laser hole struck for the first time just last week at a Mary Kay Convention in Tampa!
Those used to be brilliant, shinny, pink Cadillacs belonging to some of the TOP Mary Kay reps in the NATION. Barack Obama HATES Mary Kay.
The media is SO liberal, they're not reporting it though. It's just FUCKING TERRIBLE!!
YOU GUYS!! IF WE DON'T STOP BARACK OBAMA'S HOLE NOW,
Well, there's NO TELLING WHAT COULD HAPPEN!!!
RUUNNN FEERR YER CHREEESSTTIIUNN LIIIVVEESSSZZ, FFUUUKKERRS!!!
This hysterical contribution comes to us from our latina goddess Diana. Thanks, Diana! Muchas Gracias, Culo.
Diana writes, "I'M TOO OLD TO BE A CHONGA, DAMN IT!!"
Culo? You'll never be too old to be MY chonga.
Text contribution as well:
Chonga: A girl of Hispanic origin, usually between the ages of 12 and 19, but sometimes as young as 8. Primarily found in Miami (most famously, in Hialeah), the chonga is known for her cheap form of dress, a combination of the so-called gangstalook and that of a prostitute, but can vary between the two.
She wears ridiculously large hoop earrings large enough to be bracelets, which are usually gold and have their name written in them, and diamond studs high up on her ears. They may also wear thick, gold bangle bracelets in stacks on their arms.
Depending on how ghetto she thinks she is, she may wear oversized men's t-shirts with tight, usually white Brazilian pants, with a colored thong worn underneath that shows through (on purpose).
The chonga's shoe of choice is usually either the traditional black Reeboks, white Nike Air Force Ones, completely black Converse high tops, velvet black ankle boots, or the most popular, Chinese beaded slippers in the same matching color ad their top, and worn with ankle socks.
Most recently, Chongas have begun listening to reggaeton, but also enjoy rap, R&B, and the radio stations that play these genres of music. They can also be heard frequently calling these stations to make "shout-outs" to their babydaddy.
Chongas have a very distinct form of speech, a cross between poorly imitated black slang and a thick Spanish accent, which emphasizes on the vowels. Some chongas even speak entirely in Spanglish. Here are some sample sentences, and how they would be pronounced in Chonga:
"Eyy yu no daa kih in fahrs pihreeuh OMAIIGA daaaaaaaaaaaaam he faaeeen!" (Hey, you know that kid in first period, oh my God, damn he's fine!)
"Eyy yu go-eentu Maariisleyseesiz quinceson Fraidei?" (Hey, are you going to Marisleysise's quince on Friday?)
"O HELLNAA bish Ima beesho azz, waash! OMAIIGAA!" (Oh hell no bitch, I'm going to beat your ass, watch! Oh my God!)
The Chonga also has a distinct form of writing as well, whether it be on bathroom stalls or their Myspace pages. A typical chonga-vandalized school bathroom stall (or wall, or classroom desk, or school bus seat, or most any other form of public property) would consist of poorly imitated graffiti in permanent marker or whiteout, usually insulting a rival chonga, warning fellow chongas to "Bak da Fuk Off", "claiming" a fantasy crush, (for example Nelly, Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Ludacris, Chingy Lil Wayne, Daddy Yankee, etc., referring to themselves as the rapper's "wifey" or "baby girl" or "fine Rican mami"), or simply tagging, using nicknames such as "Baby Girl" or "Brownie" or "Tweety" or "Rican Mami". However, being the unique individuals they are, they tend to write F's backwards, I's (ii) double, S's accompanied by a Z (Sz), and when typing, lowercase q's substituted for g's (BaBii qiiRl) or 3's for e's (N3LLySzi RiiCaN PRiiNC3Sz). Examples of this (written either on public property or online) would be:
The chonga may also have a special nickname for her real-life boyfriend, a chongo who may go by the name of Mauricio or Junior or Angel or Juan, but whom she affectionately calls Cio or Coco or Snickers or Scooby.
Chongas may be found riding Metro buses, the chonga vehicle of choice, in groups of 4 to up to 15 of their kind, if her cousin Kenneth is not available to give her a ride to the "flea" (explained later) on the handlebars of his stolen tricycle.
Chongas can be seen at the flea market (or "flea"), Dolphin Mall, roaming the streets of Hialeah, around basketball courts, public parks, or in their cousin Junior's bedroom.
Well, it's day #5 of me lying about flat on my back. I can't believe that my back is still whacked. And Whitney, did indeed call me and when I answered, knowing it was her because her number showed up, I asked, "What up, girl?"
And then, she replied, "YOUR BACK IS WHACK!! SHIT, DOG!!"
And then, if I didn't already know it was her, she started yelling, "BBOOOOBBBAAYYYY!!! BBBOOOBBBAYYYY!!" before she hung up the phone.
So, I'm stir-crazy. I've been hobbling about, trying to do some light stretches, but they just seem to aggravate my back even more. I've been icing and trying not to do much.
So, "trying not to do much" SOMEHOW led me to the following video. Don't ask me how I came across it, for I truly don't know.
The video was fine, not really, but it is what it is. However, what kept my attention were the comments that followed.
Holy smokes.
For instance, "deltaman" wrote, "well if you wanted a reward for fucking whining.. you got it. Throw some cheese on dat bitch!"
"hoipoi10" was tongue-tied and wrote, "OMG!"
"JawJaws" wrote enviously, "nice lips"
"SeamusHobo" wrote, "You're not funny, you're not original and at at the end of the day.. you're an American! Fancy a ride?"
Oh Seamus, you're such a romantic hobo... And anyone who stutters even in text just wins my heart, even if you ARE ARE stupid.
"bigart1993" was really sweet and said, "What she really wants: A SLOPPY FACIAL"
And "davidwallis85" no doubt wanting to encourage "bigart1993" commented on HIS comment, "lol great call"
Oh David. Why not just get it over with and ask Big Art if you can suck him.
THEN, "Damian Grover" was just plain exuberant and exclaimed "Marry me!xxxx"
"AlcoholicFelix" asked, "is she crazy?"
You're one to talk, Felix... all self-medicating with the booze.
"CreatorOfPorn" pronounced, "she s hhhhoooottttttt deamn"
Where "alexkiller1" just wrote, "bitch", which is always really sweet.
"Fattyjey" jumped on the romantic bandwagon and said, "Sho me somegoddamn tittis".
Mr. Fatty, you're more romantic than Seamus!
"livedeath2222" wrote, "the only reason this video has so much views is cause the girl is a whore".
In which I say, Mr. Livedeath, that might not be the ONLY reason...
"bitesizereeces" exclaimed with a little prejudice I believe, "Justine this is my all time favorite video of yours!! Give me the cheeseburger! Lol absolute favorite.".
Jesus Bitesize... you're a wreck. We should just call you "Bitesizepieces".
"geniusxkiller" professed his love, "Marry me plz! My name is Bob Thomas, I'm 5 feet 9 inches(penis size also!). I want to sex on you. I take ballet classes and write poems. I make very good spaghetti and likes to watch sun sets. I draw unicorns and rainbows and likes to take bubble baths. I make delicious hamburgers. I don't like salmon either. I watch all your videos. I have blonde spiked hair and love you. My favorite food is pizza. I don't like tomatoes. Icarly is my second favorite show (yours being the first)."
I thought you were "geniusxkiller"? Okay... Well, Bob, I bet she'd be interested in you if your penis wasn't as long as you are tall and if you weren't gay and in 5th grade.
"CrustySmegma", who only has a name someone completely vile could love, wrote, "dam that chick isnt funny at all... why do people watch this shit..."
Mr. Smegma? It's damn, not "dam". A noun there just doesn't make sense.
To which, "nycl3gendkiller" got up alll in "CrustySmegma's" business and was all, "cause she is hot, why is ur dick broken?"
Dang, no he din't.
Then, "frikz123" wrote, "i want a titsburger.. titsburger.. yeah titsburger.."
And "hgemon" wrote, "you need sperm milk in your face".
Then, "beastmode003" wrote, "ILL GIVE U MY BIG OL CHEESE BURGER".
And "kevsixteen" choked out, "i love u ij but let me tell u that u almost kill me cuz i was chewing gum while i was seeing this video so i swoalo it and choked and i almost got killed by u cuz i was laughing soooooooo much i love u ij !"
I hate it when I swoalo gum and almost get kill.
And "greygirl 9999" exclaimed, "omg i HATE it when waiters do that!!!!!!! it makes me wanna kill baby kittens!!!!!!!!!!!!! =("
Okay, first of all... "kittens" ARE BABIES, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU'RE BEING REDUNDANT. But besides that, REALLY, MISS GREY? THAT makes you want to kill kittens? :( I'm pretty sure that when life really gets rough for you, we're ALL in trouble. Even baby babies.
Well, then the comments on Miss Grey's comment;
"MrStarstrukk283", "hahahaa same here...and whats a mahi mahi".
And, "salth2omermaid" explained, "mahi mahi is dolphin".
While "lovefromcaroline" exclaimed her uncertainty, "mahi mahi is tuna ?!?!?!".
"androoschlong" doesn't really care WHAT Mahi Mahi is and yelled, "show ya poon!!"
"GeneralG1810" jumped on the bandwagon and asked, "Can I eat your furburger?"
Something tells me there's no "fur" down there, General.
And "recheveste31" exclaimed, "jizz!!! lol"
Yes, Mr. Recheveste, that's just hysterical. I'm lol too.
Where "horstens" exclaimed, "I´m doin`your mom!"
Again, terribly sweet.
Now, "BigOleWolrd" wasn't too fond of her and wrote, "This bitch is so damn stupid. You can take that cheeseburger and shove it up your ass."
"Livinginoneness9" had a spiritual bend to their comment, "i eat fruit that wants to be eaten for seed despersal and eat a few other vegies on the side for nutrients to continue living i dont end the life of an animal that thinks and has emotions just so that i can satisfy my taste buds."
Mr/Miss Livinginoneness, I applaud your higher consciousness, I truly do. I've given up pork for the very same reason. But, I think it's okay to eat fruit and veggies that DON'T WANT to be eaten for seed dispersal, especially because I highly doubt you're flying over fields and streams shitting in them. I could be wrong, though. I know. I'm a barbarian. The whole "seed dispersal" thing just has me thinking you really only eat dust and rain.
"housechores" wrote, "Funny...and I'm in love with the way you say cheeeeeeeeseburgers"
Get back to WORK, CINDERELLA!
"MrBarrackosama" smacked everyone down with, "madafuckin cheeseburga . why all these niggas saying she so special coz she has looks. she just put makeup on and is FIT. doesnt mean she makes good videos ma niggas".
Umm...okay, Mr. President... No wonder you're having so much trouble with your health care plan.
THEN, "AzeoxKun" wrote, "wow if i was 6 years older i fucked u"
And the past tense just confused everyone, beginning with;
"xxxtobyx3", "I don't understand your comment. Are you saying that if you were 6 years older you would have had already engaged in sexual intercourse with her?"
And "IslandTess07", "I agree - I'm very confused with his comment?"
Mr. Byx and Ms. Tess? I think he's 12. Or 10. I know, it's kind of a mind-bender. But, I think he's saying if he were older, he'd be pouncing on her "poon".
"gilboypogi" told her, "i'll fuck ur curtain pussy!!!"
Now, I'm the one who's confused. I don't know what "curtain pussy" means.
"jono2687" wrote, "youll be fat and ugly in a few years you fucking cunt !"
Now, I really don't like the "C" word. In fact, I highly doubt that it's EVER made an appearance on this blog. But, I had to on this one. I think ssooommmmeboooddyyy is a little bitter. And their name begins with "j".
"codytheking313" was very technical and thus, boring, and said, "show us your genitals."
Yawn. Mr. King? Get with the profanity.
"eagertomeetmiley11" expressed her frustration, "omg she is soo cute!!!!i want her hair i hate mine!!!!ugh!!!!!!"
You know what, Ms. Eagertomeetmiley? Again, Yawn. Get with the profanity. Like you couldn't have said, "omg she is soo cute!!!! i want her hair with spooge in it!! i hate mine!!! It's not stuck to the pillow!! ugh!!!"
And Mr. "Doob776" confessed, "i watch ijustine's video's with the sound off and my pants off, its ALOT better that way".
"doubledutch9r" explained, "if you want to eat a cheeseburger at a place that sells mahi mahi with lime juice, pan seared halibut, and salmon, you should really take a good long hard look at yourself and think: wow. this is why the Europeans hate us."
So, Mr. Dutch... THAT'S the reason? THAT'S the summation of our foreign policy? Well, that was easy enough.
And Mr. "SoldierMedicPATMAN" asked, "whats with all the perverted comments? imma keep it clean and just say i would love to fuck you crazy and eat your asshole."
That's just really quaint. Mr. Patman, you are just SO old-fashioned!
And "iJakeTV" said, "I would have gone to a different place!!"
***(Insert sound of screeching brakes)***
And then I thought, Jake! What? No "pussy burger" comment?? No "You're hair needs a cum bath!" comment? No, "that makes me want to kill kittens, do your mom and see your poon!" comment? Just "I would have gone to a different place!"?? Just like that?? With two exclamation marks? That simple?
But.... But, if she would've just "gone to a different place", we would've had NONE of this! It would've just been business as usual in poon-ville. "Hgemon", "CrustySmegma" and Mr. "Beastmode" wouldn't have been able to express themselves. Actually, well over 15,000 people wouldn't have been able to express themselves. As vulgar as they might be.
And I wouldn't have gotten to laugh. WE wouldn't have gotten to laugh. Not really at the video, mind you, but at the disaster of comments left in its wake.
Oh sure, there may have been a whole other story, a whole other set of circumstances. But, there wasn't. She went where she went. And we got what we got. And we all dealt with it in different ways. It made some of us angry. And some of us happy. Some of us confused. And quite a few of us horny.
But still, the experience she had set off its ripple effect and we all had different experiences because and in-spite of it.
And really, Jake... HOW do you know what you would've done? HOW do you REALLY KNOW?? I believe you THINK you know what you would've done. But, you don't. Not really. How arrogant and self-centered to think that you would.
And funny enough, out of all the stupid, nasty comments, I think yours might be one of the most judgmental. Simply put, because you knew better. Of a situation that you weren't in, you so easily thought you knew what you'd do.
Jake, I'm being unfair to you. We've all probably done this at some point. I know I have. I seemed so certain that I knew what I would've done in someone else's circumstance. But, I believe that I wouldn't have truly known until I was in that person's shoes, which unfortunately, just beyond the realm of empathy, is impossible.
So, I suppose, like any self-expression, including my own, it speaks more about the person saying it, rather than who or what they're talking about.
This contribution comes to us from our brilliant on-line marketing guru, Jim Kukral. Thanks, Jimmy K!
Wow. There sure are a lot of peeps getting it in the can. I half-expected to see my 3rd Grade teacher confessing. Her name was Miss Tush. Seriously, bishes. Like we didn't have a fricking FIELD DAY with THAT name! That poor thing... she had facial hair too... which tasted AWFUL. Dang.
Grace Jones' 30th Birthday Party at Studio 54 in New York City in 1978. And Divine looking all bewildered, no doubt, getting blown over by her own fart.
So, Will made me watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's" for the first time the other night. I KNOW! I KNOW! DON'T TELL HEADQUARTERS. They'll kick me out. A gay man not seeing "Breakfast at Tiffany's" before he was 40?? Scandal.
Well, of course, I loved it. And this clip from Holly Golightly's party from the film is one of my favorite scenes. And I'm afraid to say, but a little proud too - in a twisted sort-of-way, that the party guest that I identified the most with would be the woman staring in the mirror... maybe just on an occasion or two. Maybe three.
"You know the part... you know the part whaaa... shit... what was it, man... you know the part where the guy comes out? With the gun? You know what part I'm talkin' about? It's in the beginnin'? It may not have been a gun... Maybe it was a rock... He comes out of that little room? That was so cool..."
So, the other day, Will and I took the pups for a walk around Wade Lagoon, which lies in front of The Cleveland Museum of Art and is only about 5 minutes from our home. Okay, maybe 7 minutes... Alright, maybe 8. But, NO MORE! Well... maybe sometimes 9, BUT THAT'S IT, DAMN IT!!
The Lagoon itself is gorgeous and surrounded by ornamental flowering trees, fountains
and sculptures.
This is "Night" passing the Earth to "Day", with the Museum of Art sitting proudly in the background.
Even the lamp-posts are fantastic and are art in and of themselves.
And then,
there's the Museum of Art itself.
A structure from another time...
From a period of grace in the pride of continuing classical architecture, which is indeed timeless, without the need to forge one's own design and masterbate one's own ego and piss all over something that we're going to consider atrocious in 30 years.
I guess you can probably tell how I feel about most modern architecture... I'm not a big fan.
Now don't get me wrong. I understand the psychology behind the attempt to be original. And I DO appreciate some contemporary architecture. And even the shitty stuff is a great contrast to the stunning works, providing perspective. I mean, how would we know what's good if we haven't seen what's bad, right?
Anyway, enough of my silly rant, here's the beauty settling in
at dusk.
And more dusk.
And slumbering peacefully at night.
Wade Lagoon is surrounded by other fantastic structures that make up what's called "University Circle".
And then, the holy oil can church, as we like to call it.
With its stunning patina copper steeple.
And at night, shinning bright like a pale Aquamarine stone.
So, Will, the pups and myself continued our meandering around the serene lagoon. And we came across the Koi or, "Nishikigoi" (Living Jewels), as the Japanese also refer to them, but when speaking more formally. And when pronounced out loud, sounds more like a sneeze, I know.
Now, Will and I actually have a Koi pond with our new home. And it really is tranquil, SO meditative... I really never thought I actually WANTED a Koi pond, I guess I never thought one way or the other about it. But, now that we have one, I LOVE it. Will and I take our coffee out there in the mornings and it practically lulls me right back into bed. So, it's good for the soul, but maybe not so much for the productive end of life.
Well anyway, we were watching the rather large and in-charge Koi at Wade Lagoon when these kids of maybe 18 came bouncing and sauntering up. Their pants were barely hanging on and they had probably only been the proud owners of pubes for about 4 years now.
So, they walked up and were all, "DUDE! LOOK AT THAT BIG ASS GOLDFISH!"
And I should've just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't want them to be dumb, so I said, "Actually, it's a Koi."
And they all just turned their heads and stared at me as though I just asked, "Well, Hello there... What do you all say on the count of 3, we have a 20 minute session of sucking my balls? Who's first?"
So, convincing myself that they must have not heard me, I repeated myself, "They're not really 'Goldfish', they're called 'Koi.'"
Again, nothing. They all turned around ignoring me and kept looking at the big ass goldfish.
Had I only had a slide show presentation with me. I could've said, "This is a GOLDFISH, bishes."
A super fancy one at that.
Then, there's this one,
that makes my eyes hurt. Or my eyeLIDS hurt. Or my eyes, my eyelids AND my ears. Actually, it just makes my whole face hurt. And you KNOW that he's all, "Dude... Thanks a lot for breeding me to look like this. WTF? Real nice, bro. Reeaalll nice..."
Then, there's THIS one,
Black Goldfish (wouldn't it just be called "Blackfish"? Or... "Slightly Gray and Dull Blue Fish With Lots Of Fucked Up Shit on its head"?) from GuangZhou Zoo. It's also called "Black Lion". His roar tends to be a little muffled though... with a few bloops. And you KNOW that he's all, "HEY! WHERE YOU BE AT? DANG, I CAN'T SEES A THANG! THIS SHIT BE CCRRAAZZYY, YO!"(source)
We've named our Koi... Or rather, I'VE named our Koi. Which can be unfortunate when there's an f-ing Blue Heron that occasionally lands and STEALS our family membered fish from the pond for dinner. At a later date, I shall take some pics of them and post them with their names, if there are any left. But, in the meantime, we DO have a yellow/gold one like this kind
that I've named "Goldie Hawn". She's going to be a STAR, I just know it!
Now, this is some serious dedication to Koi, no?
And I haven't quite figured it out yet, whether or not his body art is suppose to be symbolizing that his ass BLEW that Koi and those water lillies out of there, or whether his hole is like a big drain and it's going to suck them up. I'm sure that it's one or the other.
So, Will and I are loving the Koi. Although, we know that they just love us for the food.
It's crazy, you can hear the fish speaking Japanese! The translation, you ask? "I NEEDS ME SOME FOOD, BISH! AND KEEPS YOUR SLIMY SCALES OFF ME, SUCKA! DANG! ALL Y'ALL BE CRAMPIN' MY GAME!! shiiiitttt.."
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this post. Well, like a stroll, really no place in particular. And that's the point of it, I guess.
Will and I continued our walk with the pups around the park.
And I noticed that there weren't too many people on their cell phones talking, or texting, or facebooking. They were looking at the trees, the flowers and the bees. They were watching the "Big Ass Goldfish" and talking with one another...in person. And it was extraordinary in its simplicity.
I've never seen any of Sacha Cohen's work. Never have seen "Borat" or any of his other characters, although I'd like to. And I really don't know much about Mr. Eminem, so I can't say how I feel about him one way or the other. But, when I saw the stunt on The Daily Show, I did think that it was pretty funny.
But, that wasn't the extent of it, as you may have seen if you watched the above clip. There's a few more asses to be seen that are so fucking stupid they're actually hysterical.
And here's the queen of them:
Ms. Gretchen Carlson (Does she not look like she's going to "snort like a piggy" at any moment??? COME ON!! Snort like a piggy, Gretchie!! Come on little piggy! You can do it! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink!)
I thought what was rather humorous was when I was searching for images of her, this one came up;
It must be what she looks like before hair and make-up and coffee.
You be one grouchy, hairy piggy, Gretchen... Dang.
AP "LOS ANGELES – Actor James Franco says he has dropped a plan to give a commencement speech at the University of California, Los Angeles, a move that may have been prompted by pressure from students.
Franco issued a statement saying he canceled his June 12 appearance because of conflicts with preproduction demands for his next film.
However, the "Pineapple Express" star had been the object of opposition from students who said he was not the right fit for the commencement speech.
"The problem with him as a speaker comes down to the fact he was a peer for so many of us," UCLA senior Erin Moore said. "He was in our class. He's not a role model. And he hasn't had time to accomplish anything with his degree."
Franco, 31, enrolled at UCLA in 1996 and graduated last year with a degree in creative writing. He would have been the youngest person and most recent graduate to deliver a commencement speech at UCLA.
Now, please... James Franco is just a frickin' hottie if there ever was one... And he sleeps like a baby. Just look at him! This is when he was over the other night.
He had been reading poetry to me and got tired from his busy schedule of filming and acting and being on the receiving end of ignorance from peeps like Erin Less (I mean, Moore). LOOK AT HIM! So sweet... and hot. I should've tea-bagged him right then and there.
Then, I was all, "WAKE UP, BISH!! WAKE UP!! AIN'T NO SLEEPIN' GOIN' ON! DANG!" So, he woke up.
And I slapped a bow-tie around his neck 'cause that's how I roll and prepared his tummy with warm oil. Yes, my arm and hand have become quite graceful and bare of hair and I had my luxurious locks pulled back in a Scrunchie. Why do you ask?
Then after I lit some candles, I was all, "Hold on, James! I needs me some popcorn, bish! Just hold on, baby!" 'Cause I likes popcorn with my menz.
And he was all, "MMMPPPFFFHHHH", 'cause you know, his mouth was taped up. But, I think both you and I KNOW that he was commenting on how hot I am and what a super-porn, rockstar ass I've got going on.
And I'm really reluctant to share these next shots with you because they're so personal to me and James, but I'm going to because I like you guys and well, I just feel like I should share them with you... 'cause again, that's how I roll.
So, the top pics of the following collage are of us at the beach. James had been swimming and then, I went for more popcorn and soda and he was all mad yelling at me with no pants on because he hates it when I leave him. (And just ignore that whole, "James Franco in James Dean" and "James Franco in Sonny" crap... I don't know WHAT that's all about... damn film developers RUINED my collage.)
So, then yeah... The middle left pic is when he was 12 or something and we were playing Legos with his shirt off and then the right middle pic is when he's getting all on top of me and that's when I was a young woman. And then the bottom left pic is of James in the bathroom wondering where all the hair products went and then the middle bottom pic is of my graceful and bare of hair hand with a long thumbnail getting ready to spank James on his tushie from way far back. And then, after I spanked him and he yelled at me, I shut myself in a room sobbing and the bottom right pic is him trying to talk me out... naked.
Well, the students who were against my honey speaking at the commencement, go on to talk about how yes, they're proud of him and it's nothing against him personally, but that he isn't as esteemed as say, "Michelle Obama". And that for the caliber of UCLA, it should be someone of her ranking.
That's quite a message that Erin Moore and her peers are sending out with their "education".
I remember when I was 15 years old. I made a prank phone call with a friend to another friend. I don't remember what I said, or why I said it. I just remember that it really hurt the friend's feelings.
Well, a couple of weeks later, I was at a festival and some big dumb thug came up to me and said, "Come with me. Bruce wants to speak with you..." He was rubbing my neck while we walked as though he were preparing me for a fight. I was scrawny, 15 and scared. I walked with a lump in my throat and on the verge of pissing my pants. He walked me over to where my friend, the victim of my prank phone call was with her boyfriend, "Bruce".
Bruce proceeded to yell at me, while my friend watched. And the guy who was standing behind me held me in place until "Bruce" was finished yelling. A whole group of them looked on and I was humiliated.
I tried to talk to my friend, "Bruce's" girlfriend, but he yelled, "DON'T TALK TO HER! GET OUT OF HERE!!"
So, I walked away completely embarrassed and angry.
I later found a younger cousin of mine at the festival who I used to be quite close with... She's a couple of years younger than I am, and we grew up together. So, while I was 15, she was 13... I told her what happened and how mad I was. And she just calmly said, "Well, how would you feel if you were in their shoes?"
It was a total light bulb moment. A complete, "AAA-HHAAA!" And I've never forgotten it.
It was simple. She talked of the notion of empathizing and she was 13. And more importantly, I listened. Thankfully.
I eventually saw that couple at a party... It was probably a couple of months later. And I apologized to both of them. They accepted and we moved on. But, I never forgot what my cousin said. And now, some 25 years later, I think how difficult true empathy is for people to grasp. But, when empathy is embraced, how unbelievably profound it is... and is nothing short of brilliantly essential in respectful communication, in understanding and true love.
And what a lesson that was... for a student of 15 and a teacher of 13.
I have a feeling that we all have some type of wisdom that we might not often follow ourselves, but can still share nonetheless, no matter what our age. There's a saying that the reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is because we should be listening twice as much as we're talking.
Initially, I understand Erin Moore's reaction and simple reasoning. But, if given the chance, I would've encouraged her to look further. To have more of an open mind... one that real education encourages, instead of talking so much, to maybe listen more.
Joe In Vegas sent this to me. Thanks, Joe! I actually hadn't seen this one. So, thank you very much, sir. It made me burst out laughing, "And now you have bastards." And then, it got me a little...verklempt. Talks amongst yourselves...
So unfortunately, yesterday, while working in the garden with a shovel (of which I've been doing for 4 days straight... or 4 days gay), I accidentally lopped the head off of our garden Budda. It actually went rolling in the mulch...
When Will returned home from the market, I confessed, albeit reluctantly, that I had knocked the head off of the deity with a shovel. He just looked at me, grabbed the Budh-miester, his head and stormed into the house muttering, "I suppose you enjoy peeing on the Baby Jesus too."
I don't... If you're wondering. I probably would've tea-bagged one of the hot shepherds behind the manger and maybe spanked a wise man or so, but that's a story for another time...
So, Will stormed off to glue Siddhartha's head back on and I fondly remembered an incident from last week...
We have birds.
Cockatiels, to be more precise. I'm not sure if you knew that.
The small flock started out with
this asshole, Evil Betty.
He (yes, HE) was named from the villain, who also happens to be male, from the film "Kung Pow".
Will and I watched this movie years ago when we were extremely... uumm... baked and laughed our asses off. Although, you probably could've just shut the TV off and we still would've laughed as hard.
I acquired "Betty" before I was living with Will. We were dating, but I had my own place then. It was in Santa Barbara and my schedule didn't really allow for dogs, and I was jonesing for a dog.
So, I got a bird.
And I often wish I hadn't.
It's not that I don't like them. I mean, really, what's not to like? They scream really loud and are messy and shit all over the place and occasionally bite you and draw blood. Why, it's just like being married, so what's not to like?
Actually, I have a moral dilemma about humans keeping birds. They have wings to fly and what do we do? We put them in cages... (As we should our spouses.)
Granted, they usually live longer in captivity if they're well cared for, but I believe it goes along the lines of the whole quality verses quantity argument of life. If you're meant to fly, but aren't allowed, but you live twice as long, but in an environment a fraction the size of what your world would have been otherwise, what would you choose?
I mean, being alive and living are two different things, right?
So anyway, I've had this
asshole since he was a chick.
And no, he's technically not an "asshole", I know... But, he can sure act like one. Which usually is a pretty good indication that I'm not paying enough attention to him.
Hhhmmm... Could this be representative of not just birds, but our dogs and cats and maybe even our children acting out when they aren't receiving enough love and support, and maybe even adults as well?
I think that we should IMMEDIATELY start paying more attention to one another. What do you think? Are you with me??
Sorry, just thinking out-loud again and not-so-secretly planning for my days of World domination with unabashed love and compassion... and public spankings.
Okay, so... You've met Evil Betty.
Well, we've acquired a few more along the way.
We adopted two from Will's mom and renamed them;
Inglebird Humpersnip and Celine Dion. (This is not an actual picture of them, but you know, all the feathers are in the right places.) Celine Dion is a diva, yes. But, a reluctant one... He's more bark than bite... Or more chirp than peck. And Inglebird Humpersnip is actually a very sweet little bird who just wants loved.
And then, there's
Cher. And he's a total bitch. If he could turn back time (or rather, TIIIOOHHHMM, IF HE COULD TUURRNN BACK TIIIOOHHMM!", he'd do it just so he could bite me more.
Besides being loud and messy... And the whole moral dilemma (I hope we have a green house one day, where I can just let them fly around to their heart's content, until they bank off a window and snap their necks), I really do love them. Well, love might be kind of strong... But, they are extremely funny. And each one has a unique personality.
And yes, they're all fuckers. But, they're unique fuckers.
I used to take them in the shower with me and they'd all just line up on my ginormous peep and spread their wings to get wet. Thank god there was enough room on it. I probably could've fit another 50 birds with room to spare.
Actually, I did used to take Betty and Cher into the shower, and I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything so truly beautiful as these two little creatures trying to take a bath in the palms of my hands...
But, they preen one another
and try to groom us as well. As you can probably gather, our relationship with them is a love/hate kind of thing.
Well, the other day, I was preparing their food in the Kitchen and
Evil Betty was on my shoulder. Will walked in and Betty started spreading his wings in a loving gesture towards Will (he loves Will. I think he wants to tea-bag him). So, I said, "Will, give him kisses! He LOVES you. Give him kisses..."
So, Will leaned over towards Betty and my shoulder, kind of closing his eyes (big mistake) and going, "Oh, HI Betty! Hi there!" smooch, smooch, smooch. And all of a sudden, Will started gagging, but with his mouth closed and mumbling, "MMMMM!!! MMMMM!!!" And he ran to the sink freaking out, pointing at his own mouth.
I didn't know what the hell happened to him and when I looked at him, he had a pile of bird shit on his lips. He had KISSED a small pile of Betty's SHIT on my shoulder.
He proceeded to freak out over the sink, washing his mouth and face profusely, all the while screaming close-mouthed, "MMMM!!! MMMM!!!", and I thought, Sometimes god works in mysterious ways... and her gifts come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes piles... And I thanked the heavens for their sense of humor.
So, last night as Will stomped into the house with Budda's body in one hand and his severed head in the other, I conjured that recent memory of a pile of bird shit on Will's lips and thought, That's the gift that keeps on giving..., at least for awhile anyway.
"In dealing with this situation [Guantánamo], we do not have the luxury of starting from scratch. We are cleaning up something that is -- quite simply -- a mess; a misguided experiment that has left in its wake a flood of legal challenges that my administration is forced to deal with on a constant basis, and that consumes the time of government officials whose time should be spent on better protecting our country." - President Barack Obama, address at the National Archives, 5/21/2009
Michael Steele and the Republicans are just embarrassingly pathetic...
The California Supreme Court announced that it will release its decision on the fate of Proposition 8 on Tuesday, May 26.
The court will either uphold the Constitution, recognizing equal protection under the law, or uphold discrimination, taking away fundamental civil rights from a minority. (source)
So, Will and I may be divorced by Tuesday afternoon...
