A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday...

You may have seen some of these disturbing pics floating around before, but I felt a great need to post them today.

Too much news lately has been jarring my brain loose and I just feel like laughing.

So, without further adieu, I bring you these bewildering, sometimes eye-popping, sometimes just plain ole guffawing pics via our goddess correspondent in Santa Barbara, Diana. Thanks, Diana! I love them... And I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of commenting on each one.

Okay, the kid obviously is a total rock star. But, the guy in the background? Is he pulling his pants UP or DOWN? AND WHY RIGHT THERE???

This is fucked. This is a kid's toy. On the package, the kid is hugging Superman... Or Supermouth. Actually, I think he's playing with his nipples... And the package also says, "Stuff > Hug > Play". You know what? All of a sudden, I want one.

I'm not sure which is worse, Grandma holding the machine gun, Grandma POINTING the machine gun at the cameraman, Grandma's paddle of a left foot, Grandma's haircut, or the freak next to her WITH HIS SHIRT OFF and his hair in a bun... Why do hillbillies ALWAYS HAVE THEIR SHIRTS OFF??? I JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

Okay... Yeah. I don't know. Is it that top kid with the guitar all grown up? And his Dad constantly pulling his pants up and down at family parties that made him collect all these guns? I really don't know what to say, except I am SO turned on right now.

Again... I don't know. The dandelions against the green, green grass and the cherry blossoms are lovely. Just lovely. And then, after that, nature just goes awry. Like the shirt and the peg-leg aren't bad enough ("I'm just in it for the parking"). We are left to deal with a pink plush leg warmer?? Or a pink furry Ugg boot? I'm guessing? That's all traumatic enough, but then you've got to put the horse in the ground... Thanks for the TOTAL MIND-FUCK.

"Jesus Christ... Martha Mae, look at yer display! It's too late fer ye! And don't be goin and doin this kind of sheit! Yer minds all twisty-topsy-curvy! And I don't care if yer preggers... YOU'RE FIRED!!... Now, get!... ... Hey Martha Mae, we still on fer Saturday night? Ah, good. I'll pick ya up at 7 in the parking lot of the Piggly-Wiggly. And I better be bringin one of them there condams. I don't wanna be gettin' ye preggers when ya already is."

Thank you. I know that I CAN shave the baby, I just choose not to.

"Just look at her, Randy... She's lost it. Since she got fired, it's like Martha Mae has to wash Walmart right off her body. I hate to say anything, but when she gone and done get that beer belly?"

Unfortunately, it's Saturday night at 7:10 pm in the parking lot at the Piggly-Wiggly.

Fancy. I'm wasting not another minute more and I'm cutting my boobs out of every shirt I own.

And my favorite. Because a grandma barfing does it for me EVERY TIME. (I just noticed... She has A BUCKET BETWEEN HER LEGS. I... can't... breathe...)

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Chongas Chime In

This hysterical contribution comes to us from our latina goddess Diana. Thanks, Diana! Muchas Gracias, Culo.

Diana writes, "I'M TOO OLD TO BE A CHONGA, DAMN IT!!"

Culo? You'll never be too old to be MY chonga.

Text contribution as well:

Chonga: A girl of Hispanic origin, usually between the ages of 12 and 19, but sometimes as young as 8. Primarily found in Miami (most famously, in Hialeah), the chonga is known for her cheap form of dress, a combination of the so-called gangstalook and that of a prostitute, but can vary between the two.

She wears ridiculously large hoop earrings large enough to be bracelets, which are usually gold and have their name written in them, and diamond studs high up on her ears. They may also wear thick, gold bangle bracelets in stacks on their arms.

Depending on how ghetto she thinks she is, she may wear oversized men's t-shirts with tight, usually white Brazilian pants, with a colored thong worn underneath that shows through (on purpose).

The chonga's shoe of choice is usually either the traditional black Reeboks, white Nike Air Force Ones, completely black Converse high tops, velvet black ankle boots, or the most popular, Chinese beaded slippers in the same matching color ad their top, and worn with ankle socks.

Most recently, Chongas have begun listening to reggaeton, but also enjoy rap, R&B, and the radio stations that play these genres of music. They can also be heard frequently calling these stations to make "shout-outs" to their babydaddy.

Chongas have a very distinct form of speech, a cross between poorly imitated black slang and a thick Spanish accent, which emphasizes on the vowels. Some chongas even speak entirely in Spanglish. Here are some sample sentences, and how they would be pronounced in Chonga:

"Eyy yu no daa kih in fahrs pihreeuh OMAIIGA daaaaaaaaaaaaam he faaeeen!" (Hey, you know that kid in first period, oh my God, damn he's fine!)

"Eyy yu go-eentu Maariisleyseesiz quinceson Fraidei?" (Hey, are you going to Marisleysise's quince on Friday?)

"O HELLNAA bish Ima beesho azz, waash! OMAIIGAA!" (Oh hell no bitch, I'm going to beat your ass, watch! Oh my God!)

The Chonga also has a distinct form of writing as well, whether it be on bathroom stalls or their Myspace pages. A typical chonga-vandalized school bathroom stall (or wall, or classroom desk, or school bus seat, or most any other form of public property) would consist of poorly imitated graffiti in permanent marker or whiteout, usually insulting a rival chonga, warning
fellow chongas to "Bak da Fuk Off", "claiming" a fantasy crush, (for example Nelly, Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Ludacris, Chingy Lil Wayne, Daddy Yankee, etc., referring to themselves as the rapper's "wifey" or "baby girl" or "fine Rican mami"), or simply tagging, using nicknames such as "Baby Girl" or "Brownie" or "Tweety" or "Rican Mami". However, being the unique individuals they are, they tend to write F's backwards, I's (ii) double, S's accompanied by a Z (Sz), and when typing, lowercase q's
substituted for g's (BaBii qiiRl) or 3's for e's (N3LLySzi RiiCaN PRiiNC3Sz). Examples of this (written either on public property or
online) would be:

"N3LLySz LiiL WiiF3y ?N-MiiSz Tw33Ty --> Yall hATaSz BaKK oFF,LuDaSz BaBii qURl,Tw33Ty N SzNiicK3rSz"

The chonga may also have a special nickname for her real-life boyfriend, a chongo who may go by the name of Mauricio or Junior or Angel or Juan, but whom she affectionately calls Cio or Coco or Snickers or Scooby.

Chongas may be found riding Metro buses, the chonga vehicle of choice, in groups of 4 to up to 15 of their kind, if her cousin Kenneth is not available to give her a ride to the "flea" (explained later) on the handlebars of his stolen tricycle.

Chongas can be seen at the flea market (or "flea"), Dolphin Mall, roaming the streets of Hialeah, around basketball courts, public parks, or in their cousin Junior's bedroom.

(photo source)
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