"A Wiki of Dicks"

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FINALLY, a source of information worth reading!


Welcome to Dickipedia

Some examples:


MICHELE BACHMANN

"Michele Marie Bachmann (born April 6, 1956) is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, a former Senator, a homophobe, and a dick.

In addition to being a dick, Bachmann's track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth "She's craaaaaaazy," complete with hand motions and bug-eyes.

While Bachmann has always been a local dick, she didn't come onto the national dick scene until the 2008 election when she accused Barack Obama and many members of Congress of being "anti-American."

Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a "if she just put down that gun, took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences" sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.

Bachmann has claimed that many of her career moves have been dictated by messages from God. Abraham, Moses...Michele Bachmann. That sounds about right." (Please, read on)

Or, there's


DICK CHENEY

"Richard Bruce Cheney (born January 30, 1941) is a former United States Congressman, Secretary of Defense, the 46th Vice President of the United States and a dick. He also served as White House Chief of Staff, and in the private sector was the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton Energy Services. Every decision he has ever made has been wrong.

Early life and family

Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, to Richard Herbert Cheney and Marjorie Dickey (sic). His family later moved to Wyoming. In 1959, he matriculated to Yale University, where it was thought to be impossible to flunk out. After flunking out, Cheney returned to Wyoming in 1960. He ended up graduating from the University of Wyoming at the age of twenty-four, the perfect age for a young black man to serve his country in the army.

In 1964, Cheney married Lynne Vincent, his high school sweetheart. Mrs. Cheney would go on to become an accomplished dick in her own right, serving as the Chair of the National Endowment for the Humanities, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and a writer of filthy pulp novels about lesbian sex and rape. The Cheneys have two daughters, Elizabeth and Mary, also dicks. Mary Cheney is an attractive though somewhat tomboy-ish femme lesbian. Her partner, Heather Poe, looks a bit like Dad. Mary Cheney and Heather Poe have one child." (Please, read on)

And of course, there's


SARAH PALIN

"Sarah Palin began her shockingly easy ascent from second place in a beauty pageant to potential second-in-command of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal from her birth on February 11, 1964, a birthday she shares with Burt Reynolds, Jeb Bush, Sheryl Crow, and TV’s Moesha, who also had her share of run-ins with unplanned pregnancy. Born Sarah Louise Heath in Sandpoint, Idaho, Palin grew up mostly in Wasilla, Alaska, a town that has also given the world porn actress April Flowers, star of such classics as Dead Men Don’t Wear Rubbers, Sodomania Slop Shots 9, and 100% Blowjobs 32, 26, 21, and, to a lesser extent, 18. As a student and basketball player at Wasilla High School, she earned the nickname “Sarah Barracuda,” presumably for her powerful jaws, bony web-like fins, and small smooth scales.

In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is unless you’ve ever met a girl from Wasilla, few of whom have either a full set of teeth or a vacant womb. She then finished runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is considering the state is nearly 75% male." (Please, keep reading)

(And for all of you conservatives out there, they lambaste liberals as well. And possibly your favorite entertainer or athlete.)

Not even the Olympics are spared.


Olympic Games

"The Olympic Games (born 776 BC) is an international multi-sport event, a contest to see which country’s chemists can concoct the least-detectable performance-enhancing drugs, brought to you by Visa—it’s everywhere you want to be—and a dick.

The original Olympic Games first took place in 776 BC in Olympia, Greece, the same year Ashur-Dan III succeeded his brother Shalmaneser IV as king of Assyria. (Coincidence?) Outlawed by the Romans in AD 393, the modern international Olympics started up again some 1500 years later, sponsored in part by Greek businessman Evangelos Zappas and Taco Bell, who remind you to think outside the bun.

To some, the Olympics are an opportunity for the nations of the world to come together in peace; to others they are a telltale sign of continuing globalization, and the unequal distribution of resources. To everyone, the Olympics are an excellent excuse to sit on the couch for two straight weeks firmly convinced you’re doing something worthwhile.

Notwithstanding, the Olympics have continued to thrive, with each successive Games adding more events, tighter lycra-spandex uniforms, and, as a result, increasingly egregious camel toe, or, in the case of male athletes, “moose knuckles.”

Participation in the Games has increased to the point that nearly every nation on earth is represented, even if it’s just one “athlete,” in one dinky event like the women’s 10m air pistol. This growth has caused numerous challenges, including boycotts, performance enhancing drugs, bribery, terrorism, and seriously mismatched commentators like Bill Walton covering co-ed speedwalking.

Thanks to the Olympics, no one really cares that Russia bombed the hell out of Georgia, that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards turns out to be a bastard factory, or that they finally unveiled a long-overdue bronze statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee." (Please, keep reading)

(Thank you for the heads-up on this, Fred! It's brilliant.)

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Betty White Is A Total Badass

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Will and I were at my brother Craig's home for the Super Bowl on Sunday. I kept saying that I was excited to see it because I love basketball and hadn't watched it in years. Then, we'd all snicker and I'd say, "I know! I know! It's BASEBALL." And we'd all snicker some more and stuff more hot wings in our mouths and fight over the celery and bleu cheese dressing. We were all just really in it for the great food my brother and his wife put out and the commercials, of course.

I think the Betty White one cracked me up the most.


She is so damn funny. And as of last month, turned 88 years old.

I know you have plenty of other things to really be concerned about and whether or not Betty White ever hosts Saturday Night Live really isn't imperative. But if you're on Facebook and so inclined, there's actually a group that is vying for her to host SNL.

I just LOVE that she's 88 and still vibrant, bright-eyed and funny. She'd put all those other hosts that are often on there that are barely legal and just grew pubics like four years prior to shame.


Betty White to Host SNL?

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Two Tuesday Morning "Fails"

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Just remember, bishes, crack attracts. Jeezuz... That shit is just awful. (Some pun intended.)

If you're having trouble seeing this, it's as follows:

RESOLVED QUESTION

Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?
"like if you are pregnant with a baby girl, and you have sex while you are pregnant, can the sperm go up in there and impregnate the baby?"

BEST ANSWER - Chosen by Voters

"The baby can get pregnant only if it's a female. If you suspect that your baby is pregnant, try not to have sex again. You run the risk of getting your baby's baby pregnant and that can lead to complications like an infinite loop."

I couldn't breathe after I read this...
And then I thought, you'd be pregnant forever! There'd be all kinds of babies popping out of there at different times.

Thank you for this contribution, Enrique!

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Following The North Stars To Stay Warm

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"Louie decided to leave me his apartment keys for a week, so a group of friends and I decide to wrap his entire apartment in wrapping paper."

It's funny. And wasteful, yes. But still funny. If I were you, I wouldn't bother watching "Louie's reaction". It's anti-climatic and he was rather dumbfounded, understandably.

So yet again, what really steals the show are the ensuing comments. There were people who thought it was funny and fake and wasteful. And then there's always that bunch that thankfully add that extra little somethin'-somethin'.

There was "rootedbox" who scolded, "thanks for creating so much waste! the joke is on all of us! thanks!"

Oh, Mr. Box, don't be too hard on them. I'd suggest focusing your anger on say... Standard Oil or the "Let's-Burn-Coal-'Til-We-Choke-And-Die" companies. You know, the whole fossil fuel fiasco... What's that you say, Mr. Box? It's more difficult to get mad at them because you're actually a customer of theirs and thus support their practices?? Oh... I see... Well, still. Save your anger until everyone starts doing this.

Then "jazmin826" squealed out, "hahahah omg is that for me hahahaha so awesome love the prank lol."

Jazmin, I think we got the part where you thought it was funny. The "lol" was a little over-kill, honey.

"rachaelveronica235" exclaimed, but I think it might be a question, "When will a cobra come down my rat hole!"

Dear Woman With Two First Names, I have no idea what you're fucking talking about. Are you referring to sex? Is "Cobra" code for penis and "Rat hole" code for vagina? Like... Are you frustrated so you're exclaiming your question about when you're going to get porked? 'Cause how would we know that? But, if that is really what you're wondering, we hope that it's sooner rather than later. Just please use birth control. Lots of it.

Then, there was "cheeseball49" who asked, "Why is everything is your house wrapped?"

Mr. Cheeseball, I believe you wanted to use "in" there, rather than "is", but why bother correcting you if you can't figure out what's going on in the first place. Which leads me to believe that "cheeseball" is actually your head. Sorry, I'm not very encouraging, maybe I will be in 2010.

Now, "NawinAhmad" advised, "U really need to get laid mate!!!"

So Nawin, (I always loved the name "Nawin"...) if someone, ANYONE plays a practical joke, they shouldn't bother?? They should just fuck? Aren't we fucking enough?

Then, "CHEFSUMDAY" yelled, "NOBODY TOLD THEM HE IS JEWISH."

Umm... Mr. Day, first of all, you don't need to yell. We're all right here. And second of all, if this is indeed true, it doesn't matter. I don't think it's really Christian-specific. I mean yes, it's CHRISTmas paper, but I think the point was the joke.

"JapsEye2" suggested, "Good, but you should have logged one off into the toilet then wrapped it in xmas paper and left it sitting there."

Mr. Eye, Yes. That's exactly what I thought when I watched it too. They totally missed out by not wrapping a turd.

"weiner66" sleepily said, "aaayyyeeeyayyyeeeawning my goddamn head off right now."

And "TheGeekproduction" said, "what a waste of paper fools? u ppl ruin earth omg lol?"

Are you sure your name isn't Mr. "TheGeekdestruction"? 'Cause yeah, it's just going to be hysterical when the earth is destroyed. I can't wait to lol over it.

And "skavinkrew" confessed, "Thats awsome!! lmao I could beleive it but I saw it on CNN.. That is awsome the only thing else they should have done is wrap a girl and put here under the tree..."

Now Skavin, you had a bunch of typos. But that aside, yes, right after wrapping a piece of shit in the toilet, that just would've been the next best thing. Grab a girl, wrap her up and stick her under the tree. That's just brilliant. They're going to be so mad that they didn't think of that.

"georgewilly100" wrote, "this is crap."

That apparently should've been wrapped and left in the toilet.

"kickthebass" said, "I couldn't help but get enraged, thinking about the time and effort that went into this."

Now, Mr. Bass, Are you enraged because of the time and effort that went into the prank? Or are you enraged because of thinking about the time and effort involved? Like... It hurt your brain or something? You just seem a little edgy right now. But then again, your first name is "Kickthe". So, I guess that should've been my first clue.

"Captain Colon" lamented, "thanks for ruining christmas asshole."

Captain Colon, I couldn't agree more. Christmas is now, just ruined, RUINED, RUINED, RUINED!!

But then, on a cold Winter's night, as the shepherds were watching over their sheep, chasing away the darkness a bright star shined in the North and was brighter than all the others... "Distinctforever" wrote, "Totally amazing and beautiful. SO much effort involved. Wow!"

And calmly my bitter laughter subsided and a quietness descended upon the snow covered plains of my soul. And nothing was stirring, not even in my rat-hole. And I said unto thee; Miss Distinct, In an age when so often people waste no time in tearing one another down, I think you happen to be very sweet. Very sincere acknowledging their efforts and therefore, actually, "Distinct". I hope that you are indeed that way forever.

And we shall all be better for it. Gathering ourselves at the hearth of your heart and warming our hands by your tender fire. May lights like yours never go out, so we'll have something to guide us through the Winter nights and keep us warm.

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Two For Tuesday, Or... I Hope I Don't Break My Teeth On The Floor, Or... Maybe I Should Think About Breaking My Teeth On The Floor

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So... I'm guessing that they don't put any type of tread on the bottoms of those things? I mean, an afro isn't that heavy, is it?


And I don't know about you all, but I'm going straight to "Studio Montarna" for my holiday makeover. 'Cause... well... wow. You just can't argue with those results. (Please feel free to click on the image to enlarge it. The "Before" shot is well worth it.)

(Special thanks to our hottie-pa-tottie correspondent, Enrique, for this contribution. Muy bien, amigo... Mucho gracias.)

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Newsworthy

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This jaw-dropping contribution comes to us via one of our other goddesses back in Santa Barbara, the ravishing Jackie. Thanks, Jackie O! Holy crap...

As Will and I were staring slack-jawed, Will just said, "God, if someone's putting THAT in their hole, it's gotta be ALL stretched out..."

Yes, Will... I do believe you've got a point there. Or a rounded pole, anyway...

At least they have room to store stuff now. Like, shoes and golf clubs and cars.

See? There's always a bright side.

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Intellect Under Fire

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It's astounding to see how arrogant people are about what they don't know. Blows my mind every time... The idiot's hero. It's nothing short of an assault on the intellect... as though logic and deductive reasoning should be shunned and feared, rather than something to emulate and revere.

Thank you for this, Mel.

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It Crept Up

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How did Monday creep up so fast?

I must have been looking at Friday... and Saturday. And maybe Sunday...

OOHHHH... I see now... Send the weekend as a distraction and WHAMM-O!! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

I don't think that's very funny, Monday. Uh-uh... I don't. YOU! YOU!! YOU... FIRST DAY OF THE WEEK, YOU!!

We'll just have to see what TUESDAY has to say about this...

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Holiday Shopping

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Will and I CAN'T STAND the whole notion of "Black Friday". We actually abhor it. All the commercialization, the advertising being shoved down our throats, people going crazy and breaking one another's limbs over toys that they're told to buy. I fucking hate it.

I just asked Will, jokingly, "Hey, let's go shopping."

And he replied, "Umm... I just don't feel like being trampled to death today. Maybe another time."

Now, if we could set up a couple of lounge chairs in a parking lot, start a little fire in a chiminea, open a nice bottle of Bordeaux, with some Camembert or brie, or Doritos, and sit back and watch civilized interaction between humans such as above? I'd be there by 6 a.m.

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Let's Flush Those Turds Down The Toilet And Start With A Fresh Bowl

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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democratic Super Majority
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes		 Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

Besides the U.S. needing DESPERATELY to have election reform (Publicly Funded elections) and a viable multi-party system (not this RIDICULOUS duopoly bullshit), at the very least, it would help if we had people in Congress with brains AND balls. Now, THAT would be something worth voting for.

*** Report: Senator Max Baucus Received More Campaign Money from Health and Insurance Industry Interests than Any Other Member of Congress

*** Corporately Owned Congress Blocking The Way For Meaningful Reform

*** The Fair Elections Now Act

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The Beyonce Bonk And I'll Swoon Everytime

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This HYSTERICAL contribution comes to us from our dashing and debonair correspondent in D.C., Dickie. THANKS, BABY!!

I died. I just died. And actually, Will did as well. So, now we're both dead.

I now have a crush on this dumbass Evil Clown thinking she's all Beyonce in a weird dream.

I'm sorry, try and be all hot and suave and sexy and that just won't do it for me. All I'll do is yawn and move on... which you just might appreciate.

However, slip and fall down a flight of stairs?


I'm yours.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded party, slip and fall down the stairs and accidentally blow a big fart when you reach the bottom?

I'm really yours. Although, I'll wait for the air to clear.

And yes,


I'll still be yours even if you have a bad mohawk and terrible jacket. I'm loyal to accident prone people no matter what their color or what they're wearing.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded restaurant, twist your ankle, jack-knife and tumble down the stairs taking cocktail waitresses with you, THEN accidentally blow a big fart ON THEM when you reach the bottom stair?

When you emerge from the hospital and are no longer allowed back in that restaurant, you'll be Mrs. Kevin Charnas. Or the Second Mr. Kevin Charnas... Or... my mistress... Or my mister... Or something similar. Even if you're in a wheelchair. Remember? I'm loyal.

Working the runway for the Spring line and you jackknife and take out Madonna in the front row?


I hear wedding bells.

Fall out of the car when we get to our destination and have trouble even standing back up?


You'll be Mrs. Kathy Griffin Kevin Charnas. But, pregnant.

And if you happen to be on a bike in the rain and bite it?


You might as well just call yourself my baby's Daddy. Although, I would strongly advise you to NOT try and use your umbrella while you're RIDING A BIKE just to impress me. But then again, if you don't fall, I'm not interested. And don't wear tee-shirts that make your skin look pasty. But even if you do and you fall, I'll still love you. The key is, you need to fall.

And if you have any type of British accent and you're chasing a 3.5kg wheel of cheese and you jackknife?


My pants are off and I'm totally yours and I'll wrestle that damn cheese wheel for you naked. Because people wiping out while chasing giant cheese balls down a hill is just plain fucking hot. Don't even tell me it's not.
(source of photo)

***SOME COMMENTS FROM THE POSTED VIDEO:

Chairmanpanda advised, "When I dance to beyonce in a lion mask I make sure that the eye holes are very big and easy to see out of. if you're attached to the clown mask you can maybe cut the eyeholes bigger."

Okay. First of all Mr. Panda, you dance to Beyonce in a lion mask. Now, I'm not really a connoisseur of Beyonce videos, per se. I don't think I've actually ever seen one of them. But, does she dance in masks or something?? If so, I think it's BEYONCE'S fault that she made that poor young woman crank her head on the television set.

And second, Mr. Panda/Lionman-With-The-Big-Eyes-All-Cutout-Dancing-To-Beyonce, that is so very kind of you to give such solid advice. I'm sure that she'll take that into consideration the next time she dances with a mask on next to large objects. I know I will.

And Lenay321, "At least she popped her head on beat with the music."

Miss Lenay, always looking on the bright side. I like that.

Tslobarod, "beyonce should have home girl on the next tour."

Mr. Tslobarod (presumably pronounced, "Slobber-Rod" - real nice), I would think only if Beyonce wishes for her set to be destroyed should she take "home girl" on tour. Now, go clean yourself up.

Ashleybozzelli, "This is the best thing ever. That's what she gets for wearing a mask."

Ms. Bozzelli, I'm not sure that it's actually "the best thing EVER", but art is subjective. However, I think you're kind of mean saying she deserved it. I mean, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Is it really up to you to decide that? I mean, maybe you deserve to have a big plate of Italian meatballs stuffed straight up your ass... Is it really for me to decide that? Sadly, I don't think so.

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