"A Wiki of Dicks"

FINALLY, a source of information worth reading!


Welcome to Dickipedia

Some examples:


MICHELE BACHMANN

"Michele Marie Bachmann (born April 6, 1956) is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, a former Senator, a homophobe, and a dick.

In addition to being a dick, Bachmann's track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth "She's craaaaaaazy," complete with hand motions and bug-eyes.

While Bachmann has always been a local dick, she didn't come onto the national dick scene until the 2008 election when she accused Barack Obama and many members of Congress of being "anti-American."

Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a "if she just put down that gun, took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences" sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.

Bachmann has claimed that many of her career moves have been dictated by messages from God. Abraham, Moses...Michele Bachmann. That sounds about right." (Please, read on)

Or, there's


DICK CHENEY

"Richard Bruce Cheney (born January 30, 1941) is a former United States Congressman, Secretary of Defense, the 46th Vice President of the United States and a dick. He also served as White House Chief of Staff, and in the private sector was the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton Energy Services. Every decision he has ever made has been wrong.

Early life and family

Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, to Richard Herbert Cheney and Marjorie Dickey (sic). His family later moved to Wyoming. In 1959, he matriculated to Yale University, where it was thought to be impossible to flunk out. After flunking out, Cheney returned to Wyoming in 1960. He ended up graduating from the University of Wyoming at the age of twenty-four, the perfect age for a young black man to serve his country in the army.

In 1964, Cheney married Lynne Vincent, his high school sweetheart. Mrs. Cheney would go on to become an accomplished dick in her own right, serving as the Chair of the National Endowment for the Humanities, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and a writer of filthy pulp novels about lesbian sex and rape. The Cheneys have two daughters, Elizabeth and Mary, also dicks. Mary Cheney is an attractive though somewhat tomboy-ish femme lesbian. Her partner, Heather Poe, looks a bit like Dad. Mary Cheney and Heather Poe have one child." (Please, read on)

And of course, there's


SARAH PALIN

"Sarah Palin began her shockingly easy ascent from second place in a beauty pageant to potential second-in-command of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal from her birth on February 11, 1964, a birthday she shares with Burt Reynolds, Jeb Bush, Sheryl Crow, and TV’s Moesha, who also had her share of run-ins with unplanned pregnancy. Born Sarah Louise Heath in Sandpoint, Idaho, Palin grew up mostly in Wasilla, Alaska, a town that has also given the world porn actress April Flowers, star of such classics as Dead Men Don’t Wear Rubbers, Sodomania Slop Shots 9, and 100% Blowjobs 32, 26, 21, and, to a lesser extent, 18. As a student and basketball player at Wasilla High School, she earned the nickname “Sarah Barracuda,” presumably for her powerful jaws, bony web-like fins, and small smooth scales.

In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is unless you’ve ever met a girl from Wasilla, few of whom have either a full set of teeth or a vacant womb. She then finished runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is considering the state is nearly 75% male." (Please, keep reading)

(And for all of you conservatives out there, they lambaste liberals as well. And possibly your favorite entertainer or athlete.)

Not even the Olympics are spared.


Olympic Games

"The Olympic Games (born 776 BC) is an international multi-sport event, a contest to see which country’s chemists can concoct the least-detectable performance-enhancing drugs, brought to you by Visa—it’s everywhere you want to be—and a dick.

The original Olympic Games first took place in 776 BC in Olympia, Greece, the same year Ashur-Dan III succeeded his brother Shalmaneser IV as king of Assyria. (Coincidence?) Outlawed by the Romans in AD 393, the modern international Olympics started up again some 1500 years later, sponsored in part by Greek businessman Evangelos Zappas and Taco Bell, who remind you to think outside the bun.

To some, the Olympics are an opportunity for the nations of the world to come together in peace; to others they are a telltale sign of continuing globalization, and the unequal distribution of resources. To everyone, the Olympics are an excellent excuse to sit on the couch for two straight weeks firmly convinced you’re doing something worthwhile.

Notwithstanding, the Olympics have continued to thrive, with each successive Games adding more events, tighter lycra-spandex uniforms, and, as a result, increasingly egregious camel toe, or, in the case of male athletes, “moose knuckles.”

Participation in the Games has increased to the point that nearly every nation on earth is represented, even if it’s just one “athlete,” in one dinky event like the women’s 10m air pistol. This growth has caused numerous challenges, including boycotts, performance enhancing drugs, bribery, terrorism, and seriously mismatched commentators like Bill Walton covering co-ed speedwalking.

Thanks to the Olympics, no one really cares that Russia bombed the hell out of Georgia, that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards turns out to be a bastard factory, or that they finally unveiled a long-overdue bronze statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee." (Please, keep reading)

(Thank you for the heads-up on this, Fred! It's brilliant.)

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Intellect Under Fire

It's astounding to see how arrogant people are about what they don't know. Blows my mind every time... The idiot's hero. It's nothing short of an assault on the intellect... as though logic and deductive reasoning should be shunned and feared, rather than something to emulate and revere.

Thank you for this, Mel.

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A Nightmare Of A Post

So, I've had nightmares the last two nights.

And from around 2 to about 5 a.m. this has been me,


Yes. I wear that to bed. Along with those bracelets and my hair is just ever-so. Except I'm profusely sweating while I'm screaming. And my lipstick is all smeared.

When I say nightmares, I mean, NIGHTMARES. I've been thrashing and moaning like Dr. Phil naked in a tub of lube and screaming like the spectators forced to watch him.

You may remember that I tend to scream in my sleep, while Will punches. I wrote about that sometime back in "Night Brawlers". I still haven't determined if Will is actually sleeping when he punches me in the spine, or the face, for that matter.

He hasn't done that for quite sometime now, so I should really cut him so slack. Actually, in the morning, if I'm at all confused as to whether or not I really had all those nightmares, it's usually quite evident by the look on Will's face.


Normally he's a brunette. But, he often awakes blond and furrier than when we went to bed, and don't ask what that rope is all about.

But yeah, he has NOT been amused. That poor devil has had to endure me going through all the motions of someone in detox. It's been awful. We both wake up exhausted, dazed and confused.

After all, there are so many things happening recently that could be the cause of it.

First, it was poor Sammy Sosa turning white in a year.


Sammy Sosa is a disaster.

That's enough right there.

What the hell happened to him?


And it's okay to be a person of color now, isn't it? I thought he was a handsome Dominican, no?

All of a sudden (or maybe not so suddenly), he's


The Joker.

Makes me want to scream right where I'm sitting.


Sometimes the lense makes me look like a cat.

So, that's not bad enough, we've got the Palin-Flailin Circus AGAIN.



And no surprise, Sarah goes rogue on a few "facts" in her book.

Sarah Flailin getting her panties in a bunch over Newsweek's cover


I love documentary photographer Nina Berman's comment, hailing the cover as "brilliant" and "shrewd" for using a "propped photo where Palin is an obvious participant ... to show how far out she is willing to travel on the road of self promotion" while "shield[ing] themselves from what would have been the inevitable criticism if they had dolled her up themselves and posed her the same way."

You posed for the pic, Sarah. Sorry everyone doesn't do what you want them to, you A-hole.

If she were a cow, no one would've given her the time of day. They would've just thrown some ketchup on her and called her a burger.

But, no. She's back. And she has a book and I don't. But, then again, they're trying to sell them for $4.95 and they can't.

And because I'm so sick and tired of Sarah Palin, I am screaming where I stand.


Sometimes the lense makes me look like a deer, sorry.

So, as if all of this isn't enough to give me nightmares and get my chords ringing,


Sorry, sometimes the lense makes me look like a chimp.

We've been invited inside Christina Aguilera's Beverly Hills Home...


This is the very first time she's ever actually fed her baby herself. Unfortunately, the apple sauce ended up on the kid's forehead. You can't tell, can you? It happened after the picture was taken.

Inside her Beverly Hills Home


I bet her kid is standing in piss right here while Christina's all, "Look at Mommy's shoes, honey! NO TOUCH!! LOOK!! JUST LOOK!! That's right, Sweety."


But really, the decor? It's like bubble gum and frosting and sprinkles exploded inside her house.

And it has me screaming again,


Sometimes the lense makes me look like a Bullfrog.

What would have taken all the nightmares away would've been a shot of her sofa,


If it had been this. That would've been SO FRICKING AWESOME! But, no.

Ahhh, well. Sammy, Sarah and Christina? I have my issues, most certainly. In fact, they're keeping me up at night. And even though, I wonder what's going on with your skin and your insecurities surrounding it, or your desperation to be heard, or your wild decor sense and extravagance, I highly doubt you guys are the cause of my nightmares. Besides, don't listen to me... No matter what I say, words shouldn't bring you down. At least, not MY words.

If it's one thing that will always make me love Christina Aguilera... It's "Beautiful". And that comes in all shapes and sizes and colors, whether you might be cat-like, or an albino gorilla, or maybe you strongly resemble a deer, or maybe you ARE a deer, or a chimp or maybe you just smile like one. Or maybe you're a Bullfrog, or just like to hang out in ponds. Anyway, "you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down".

And it's good to remember that sometimes.

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Reckless Driving...

This wholesome family outing demonstrating Sarah Palin's abstinence agenda in the Country she calls "Africa" is brought to us from our debonair and dashing correspondent in D.C. That's right, DICKIE!! Thanks, Dickie.

Don't let that jackass Sarah Palin see these two going at it, she'll gun 'em down from a helicopter and use tax payer money to pay for it.

What's even more hysterical in this video clip are the sounds coming from the people inside the car... Had I been in the vehicle, I would've probably been laughing just as uncontrollably, though simultaneously barfing all over myself. Because not unlike Sarah Palin, pink monkey crotches freak me the fuck out and nauseate me. And of course, they taste AWFUL! Yuk.

Sorry... I had to.

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