HERCULANEUM

This HYSTERICAL contribution comes to us from our dashing and debonair correspondent in D.C., Dickie. THANKS, BABY!!

I died. I just died. And actually, Will did as well. So, now we're both dead.

I now have a crush on this dumbass Evil Clown thinking she's all Beyonce in a weird dream.

I'm sorry, try and be all hot and suave and sexy and that just won't do it for me. All I'll do is yawn and move on... which you just might appreciate.

However, slip and fall down a flight of stairs?

I'm yours.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded party, slip and fall down the stairs and accidentally blow a big fart when you reach the bottom?

I'm really yours. Although, I'll wait for the air to clear.

And yes,

I'll still be yours even if you have a bad mohawk and terrible jacket. I'm loyal to accident prone people no matter what their color or what they're wearing.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded restaurant, twist your ankle, jack-knife and tumble down the stairs taking cocktail waitresses with you, THEN accidentally blow a big fart ON THEM when you reach the bottom stair?

When you emerge from the hospital and are no longer allowed back in that restaurant, you'll be Mrs. Kevin Charnas. Or the Second Mr. Kevin Charnas... Or... my mistress... Or my mister... Or something similar. Even if you're in a wheelchair. Remember? I'm loyal.

Working the runway for the Spring line and you jackknife and take out Madonna in the front row?

I hear wedding bells.

Fall out of the car when we get to our destination and have trouble even standing back up?

You'll be Mrs. Kathy Griffin Kevin Charnas. But, pregnant.

And if you happen to be on a bike in the rain and bite it?

You might as well just call yourself my baby's Daddy. Although, I would strongly advise you to NOT try and use your umbrella while you're RIDING A BIKE just to impress me. But then again, if you don't fall, I'm not interested. And don't wear tee-shirts that make your skin look pasty. But even if you do and you fall, I'll still love you. The key is, you need to fall.

And if you have any type of British accent and you're chasing a 3.5kg wheel of cheese and you jackknife?

My pants are off and I'm totally yours and I'll wrestle that damn cheese wheel for you naked. Because people wiping out while chasing giant cheese balls down a hill is just plain fucking hot. Don't even tell me it's not.
(source of photo)

***SOME COMMENTS FROM THE POSTED VIDEO:

Chairmanpanda advised, "When I dance to beyonce in a lion mask I make sure that the eye holes are very big and easy to see out of. if you're attached to the clown mask you can maybe cut the eyeholes bigger."

Okay. First of all Mr. Panda, you dance to Beyonce in a lion mask. Now, I'm not really a connoisseur of Beyonce videos, per se. I don't think I've actually ever seen one of them. But, does she dance in masks or something?? If so, I think it's BEYONCE'S fault that she made that poor young woman crank her head on the television set.

And second, Mr. Panda/Lionman-With-The-Big-Eyes-All-Cutout-Dancing-To-Beyonce, that is so very kind of you to give such solid advice. I'm sure that she'll take that into consideration the next time she dances with a mask on next to large objects. I know I will.

And Lenay321, "At least she popped her head on beat with the music."

Miss Lenay, always looking on the bright side. I like that.

Tslobarod, "beyonce should have home girl on the next tour."

Mr. Tslobarod (presumably pronounced, "Slobber-Rod" - real nice), I would think only if Beyonce wishes for her set to be destroyed should she take "home girl" on tour. Now, go clean yourself up.

Ashleybozzelli, "This is the best thing ever. That's what she gets for wearing a mask."

Ms. Bozzelli, I'm not sure that it's actually "the best thing EVER", but art is subjective. However, I think you're kind of mean saying she deserved it. I mean, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Is it really up to you to decide that? I mean, maybe you deserve to have a big plate of Italian meatballs stuffed straight up your ass... Is it really for me to decide that? Sadly, I don't think so.

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