First "Sasha Fierce"... Now, "Lola". Beyonce and J. Lo BE GETTIN' ON MY NERVES, Y'ALL!!!

Okay, first it was Sasha Fierce.

Beyonce tried to stop her.

Beyonce grabbed "Sasha Fierce" by her hair (unfortunately, also her own... or at least her own weave) and was all, "Girl, I am BEYONCE. Sasha Fierce be stoopid and you need to recognize."

Well, I don't have to tell you that this just pissed Miss Fierce RIGHT OFF. It obviously sparked a heated debate.

And the two began arguing as witnessed here.

Beyonce was all, "NO, SASHA FIERCE!! I'M BEYONCE! YOU STOOPID!"

And Sasha Fierce was all, "GGIIRRLL, YOU SO DEAD IT AIN'T EVEN FUNNY!! BRING IT!!"

And that's when things REALLY got ugly.

And Sasha Fierce threw Beyonce's ass down the stairs.

Again... unfortunately herself as well.

And Beyonce went head-over-keister landing on her melon with her crack waving in the air like she just didn't care.

And who arose from the heap of flesh victorious? Well, the rest is history. But, just in case you missed it... May I introduce,

Miss Sasha Fierce. (It's allll about SACRIFICE, PEOPLE.)

The problem with all of this?

I thought I WAS

SASHA FIERCE.

But, no.

NO.

BEYONCE ROBBED ME.

So, I got over that.

Not really. But, I continued on...

And then, as if ALL OF THAT WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH FOR ME...

J. Lo changes her name to Lola.

Now, WHY this picture came up when I was searching for images of Jennifer Lopez is beside me. I don't think she ever toyed with the idea of changing her name to "Marmoset Tapa". I mean, maybe... But, I kind of doubt it.

So apparently, "Lola" has been trying to get out under from J. Lo's skirt

for quite some time...

And Lola has been all,

"J. Lo, stick a fork in you, girl. You done."

And J. Lo was all, "GIIRRLLL, I'M GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY WITH MY FARTS!! DANG!!!"

Bbbrrrrttttttt....

And Lola was all,

"Wooo... thanks for the highlights, baby."

Well, I don't have to tell you that this just PISSED J. LO OFF EVEN MORE!!! And she was all, "WONDER TWINS' POWER, ACTIVATE!! FORM OF A GIANT FART/WIND STORM!!!

BBBRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

And Lola being the new badass she is was all...

"Ooohhh... Baby, that was like a cool refreshing breeze blowing those nasty tired highlights and split ends away! Thanks, Grandma!"

So, may I introduce, in pink ruffles no less...

"Lola"

And again...

The whole problem with this???

I thought I WAS

LOLA!!???

But, no.

NO.

NNNOOOOO!!!

I'VE BEEN FOILED AGAIN.

AND IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

I'm tired of it.

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*** Original Post Where "Sasha Fierce" photo appeared: The Evolution of My Halloween Costume; Post #4

*** Original Post Where "Lola" photo appeared: We're Both Greek

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Introducing: BADONTSAY's "Dingle Berries"

This deeply disturbing contribution comes to from our correspondent in the Canary Islands, Nikki. Thanks, Nikki! I think... Maybe I should be thanking you for burning my eyeballs.

Speaking of cooking, you should really check out Nikki's fantastic website.

So, this slightly alternative version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" inspired me.

This morning, I did my best re-creation of the above event for Will in our kitchen, without the extra 200 pounds, the leotard, the hair on my back, or the sock-stuffed crotch, or giant hernia, or whatever the hell that was.

I was reaching up and turning and basically doing the hand-jive with kicks all the while singing,

"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!
all the single ladies.
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!
all the single ladies."

And improvising the words when I started to stumble on the lyrics.

"ALL THE DINGLE BERRIES!
all the dingle berries.
ALL THE DINGLE BERRIES!
all the dingle berries."

He just continued to stare at me. So, I thought I should really amp it up a bit. So, I REALLY was busting a move now.

"NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP
UP IN THE CLUB, WE JUST BROKE UP
I’M DOING MY LITTLE OWN THING
YOU DECIDED TO DIP BUT NOW YOU WANNA TRIP
CUZ ANOTHER BROTHER NOTICED ME"

I mean... that queen up in the video would've gotten booted RIGHT OFF the stage that was our smokin' kitchen floor.

But, Will just continued to stare as I was breaking a sweat now still singing with increased volume,

"I’M UP ON HIM, HE UP ON ME
DON'T PAY HIM ANY ATTENTION
CUZ I CRIED MY TEARS, GAVE THREE GOOD YEARS
YA CAN'T BE MAD AT ME..."

And he continued to stare at me blankly and then stated right in the middle of my performance, "I actually hate that song." And turned and walked away while this "Dingle Berry" sang on,

"CUZ IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A RING ON IT
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
DON'T BE MAD ONCE YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT..."

And I wondered if he was sorry he did...

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The Beyonce Bonk And I'll Swoon Everytime

This HYSTERICAL contribution comes to us from our dashing and debonair correspondent in D.C., Dickie. THANKS, BABY!!

I died. I just died. And actually, Will did as well. So, now we're both dead.

I now have a crush on this dumbass Evil Clown thinking she's all Beyonce in a weird dream.

I'm sorry, try and be all hot and suave and sexy and that just won't do it for me. All I'll do is yawn and move on... which you just might appreciate.

However, slip and fall down a flight of stairs?

I'm yours.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded party, slip and fall down the stairs and accidentally blow a big fart when you reach the bottom?

I'm really yours. Although, I'll wait for the air to clear.

And yes,

I'll still be yours even if you have a bad mohawk and terrible jacket. I'm loyal to accident prone people no matter what their color or what they're wearing.

Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded restaurant, twist your ankle, jack-knife and tumble down the stairs taking cocktail waitresses with you, THEN accidentally blow a big fart ON THEM when you reach the bottom stair?

When you emerge from the hospital and are no longer allowed back in that restaurant, you'll be Mrs. Kevin Charnas. Or the Second Mr. Kevin Charnas... Or... my mistress... Or my mister... Or something similar. Even if you're in a wheelchair. Remember? I'm loyal.

Working the runway for the Spring line and you jackknife and take out Madonna in the front row?

I hear wedding bells.

Fall out of the car when we get to our destination and have trouble even standing back up?

You'll be Mrs. Kathy Griffin Kevin Charnas. But, pregnant.

And if you happen to be on a bike in the rain and bite it?

You might as well just call yourself my baby's Daddy. Although, I would strongly advise you to NOT try and use your umbrella while you're RIDING A BIKE just to impress me. But then again, if you don't fall, I'm not interested. And don't wear tee-shirts that make your skin look pasty. But even if you do and you fall, I'll still love you. The key is, you need to fall.

And if you have any type of British accent and you're chasing a 3.5kg wheel of cheese and you jackknife?

My pants are off and I'm totally yours and I'll wrestle that damn cheese wheel for you naked. Because people wiping out while chasing giant cheese balls down a hill is just plain fucking hot. Don't even tell me it's not.
(source of photo)

***SOME COMMENTS FROM THE POSTED VIDEO:

Chairmanpanda advised, "When I dance to beyonce in a lion mask I make sure that the eye holes are very big and easy to see out of. if you're attached to the clown mask you can maybe cut the eyeholes bigger."

Okay. First of all Mr. Panda, you dance to Beyonce in a lion mask. Now, I'm not really a connoisseur of Beyonce videos, per se. I don't think I've actually ever seen one of them. But, does she dance in masks or something?? If so, I think it's BEYONCE'S fault that she made that poor young woman crank her head on the television set.

And second, Mr. Panda/Lionman-With-The-Big-Eyes-All-Cutout-Dancing-To-Beyonce, that is so very kind of you to give such solid advice. I'm sure that she'll take that into consideration the next time she dances with a mask on next to large objects. I know I will.

And Lenay321, "At least she popped her head on beat with the music."

Miss Lenay, always looking on the bright side. I like that.

Tslobarod, "beyonce should have home girl on the next tour."

Mr. Tslobarod (presumably pronounced, "Slobber-Rod" - real nice), I would think only if Beyonce wishes for her set to be destroyed should she take "home girl" on tour. Now, go clean yourself up.

Ashleybozzelli, "This is the best thing ever. That's what she gets for wearing a mask."

Ms. Bozzelli, I'm not sure that it's actually "the best thing EVER", but art is subjective. However, I think you're kind of mean saying she deserved it. I mean, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Is it really up to you to decide that? I mean, maybe you deserve to have a big plate of Italian meatballs stuffed straight up your ass... Is it really for me to decide that? Sadly, I don't think so.

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