HERCULANEUM

This deeply disturbing contribution comes to from our correspondent in the Canary Islands, Nikki. Thanks, Nikki! I think... Maybe I should be thanking you for burning my eyeballs.

Speaking of cooking, you should really check out Nikki's fantastic website.

So, this slightly alternative version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" inspired me.

This morning, I did my best re-creation of the above event for Will in our kitchen, without the extra 200 pounds, the leotard, the hair on my back, or the sock-stuffed crotch, or giant hernia, or whatever the hell that was.

I was reaching up and turning and basically doing the hand-jive with kicks all the while singing,

"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!
all the single ladies.
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!
all the single ladies."

And improvising the words when I started to stumble on the lyrics.

"ALL THE DINGLE BERRIES!
all the dingle berries.
ALL THE DINGLE BERRIES!
all the dingle berries."

He just continued to stare at me. So, I thought I should really amp it up a bit. So, I REALLY was busting a move now.

"NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP
UP IN THE CLUB, WE JUST BROKE UP
I’M DOING MY LITTLE OWN THING
YOU DECIDED TO DIP BUT NOW YOU WANNA TRIP
CUZ ANOTHER BROTHER NOTICED ME"

I mean... that queen up in the video would've gotten booted RIGHT OFF the stage that was our smokin' kitchen floor.

But, Will just continued to stare as I was breaking a sweat now still singing with increased volume,

"I’M UP ON HIM, HE UP ON ME
DON'T PAY HIM ANY ATTENTION
CUZ I CRIED MY TEARS, GAVE THREE GOOD YEARS
YA CAN'T BE MAD AT ME..."

And he continued to stare at me blankly and then stated right in the middle of my performance, "I actually hate that song." And turned and walked away while this "Dingle Berry" sang on,

"CUZ IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A RING ON IT
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
DON'T BE MAD ONCE YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT..."

And I wondered if he was sorry he did...

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