Shit Geysers

That's right, kick people when they're down. Good form, sport. What class you have...

Cleveland tops this very subjective (what isn't?) list of;

America's Most Miserable Cities 2010 written by a SPORTS writer who's in the Top Ten List of Greasiest Heads in America.



Bish...? NEWS FLASH! It's 2010. Dudes don't really put gel in their hair anymore. Time for an oil change, slick.

That's right, Kurt Badenhausen. So, Mister Bad-in-hosen, should we be judging you on your greasy locks and receding hairline? Huh? Or should we be judging you for looking PINK in the first pic and like stale lunchmeat in the second one? I bet there's more to you than that though, isn't there? We really shouldn't pass judgment on the origins of your family name and the curse it's left on the men in your family line of not really knowing how to handle your penis though, right? You stupid, unimaginative, uncreative, unoriginal piece of shit.

I shouldn't really be angry, because you're really only demonstrating your own ignorance. Actually, you're broadcasting it. So, I'm a little embarrassed for you. But, not too much.

I shouldn't be focusing all of this onto just you, though. It's just that you're at the end of a long list of a whole line of self-inflated, pompous, egotistical douche bags. So, I suggest you cover your oil slicked head 'cause here comes the shit, bish...


When Will and I talked about moving to Cleveland a couple of years ago, we started hearing all kinds of crap from people who knew NOTHING of the city, its history, its art and culture, or its people.

When we were contemplating leaving California because of the extraordinary high cost of living, we were considering a whole gamut of places to relocate to.

We thought of Santa Fe or Taos. We thought of Portland, Oregon. We talked about Asheville, North Carolina. We thought of the Hudson River Valley of New York. We talked about Spain, Buenos Aires and Paris. We really could've moved anywhere. We visited quite a few of the places to see how they felt and we were still not sure. Then one day, I said, "Will? Are we silly for not considering Cleveland?" Being that I grew up in nearby Warren, Ohio, we still had family here and old friends that I had grown up with. And we had visited many times and always enjoyed ourselves when we did.

I thought Will, mainly being a California boy, would not really be too keen on moving to Ohio.

But he rather surprised me when he replied, "Well, why wouldn't you want to?"

And I didn't have a good reason. Oh sure, my first thought was FEBRUARY. But, we didn't really think that should be in the "logical reason" category. Then Will said, "We could give it a try and if we don't care for it, we don't HAVE to stay. We could go someplace else."

And a little light bulb went off in my dim head and I said, "Oh... Yeah. That's true."


And so we decided on Cleveland. And ever since then, there's been such a barrage of people's mis-informed opinions and apparently they're more necessary than our feelings. Such a vanity of candor... which is rather over-rated.

So anyway... When I lived out in Santa Barbara for the past decade, I had to defend Cleveland much of the time. And Ohioans for that matter. And eventually, I had to defend Californians as well. People in California thought that everyone in Ohio ate potatoes and drank whole milk daily (I literally was asked this question from a friend in Los Angeles). And people in Ohio thought that everyone in California lived off astrology and tofu (I heard from a friend here in Ohio that no one in California is even named anything "ordinary").


(Terminal Tower and Tower City Center)

But, invariably, people would say, "CLEVELAND! YOU MEAN "THE MISTAKE ON THE LAKE"?! I bet YOU'RE glad you left!"

And I'd say, "Well, first of all, the whole "mistake on the lake" thing was funny the first 200 times I heard it. And second of all, have you ever been to Cleveland?"

And they hadn't. And if they had, they had a lay-over at the airport. And then, they'd go, "The Browns suck! But, they got the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame! That's cool! And Drew Carey and all. 'Cleveland Rocks! CLEVELAND ROCKS!"


And I'd reply, "Yes. Yes, that's true. There's a bit more to it than that though. But, okay."

Then, if they pushed me more and said something about the Cuyahoga River catching on fire, I'd have to let them have it. And I'd say, "So... Did you know that virtually ANY industrialized city during that time was mass polluting? And it's rather surprising that more cities' waterways didn't catch fire. Did you or your parents buy cars during the 40's, 50's, 60's, or 70's? Or did you guys just walk everywhere? Did you or your parents buy anything that was constructed of steel during that time? Because if so, then you or your parents were accomplices to the immense pollution which led to the river catching on fire. The consumer is as much to blame as the producer. A symbiotic relationship.

"And, at least it spurred on the EPA and the environmental movement. Unfortunately, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better...


(The Garfield Monument)

"Or I guess you don't know too much about art, classical music or theater, huh? Because Cleveland already had a world class art museum to begin with due to all of the old money in Cleveland (including the Rockefellers) that established it. But then in the 50's when the Hanna Estate left the equivalent of today's one BILLION dollars to the museum, that sent it up into the sky. The collection is astounding and it's free. FREE. Every day. AND it's accessible. You don't have to fight off hundreds of people to see a work of art.


"And The Cleveland Orchestra is in the top five in the world. THE TOP FIVE IN THE WORLD.

"Or... How about The Playhouse Square Center, in downtown Cleveland? It's the second-largest theater complex in the United States (second only to New York City's Lincoln Center).


"Or, how Cuyahoga County Public Library received the highest score among the nation's biggest libraries. That's just chicken shit, right?
(And it's both buildings, bishes.)


(This is in the entrance hall of the library.)

"Or do you know about The West Side Market?


"The 1912 structure - a massive yellow-brick building with an interior concourse providing room for 100 stalls of ethic food, fresh meats, fish, seafood and cheeses, as well as fresh baked goods and staples of any American kitchen, an outdoor arcade with 85 stands of fresh fruits and vegetables, and a large clock tower, it's where grocery shopping actually becomes an "event", which is all just a miserable hunk of steaming shit, right?

"Or how The Cuyahoga Valley National Park is the largest urban forest in the lower 48 States.

"And that doesn't even include The Cleveland's Metorparks, which is a system of nature preserves in Greater Cleveland. The preserves, which encircle the city generally follow the rivers that flow through the region to Lake Erie. Referred to affectionately as the "Emerald Necklace", the network of 16 reservations across 22,000 acres includes hundreds of miles of walking, bicycle, and horse trails, parks, picnic areas, five nature education centers, seven golf courses, and abundant fishing holes. In addition, the park district manages the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo and Rainforest."

And then, whoever my victim was would just stand there speechless and blinking thinking I had been possessed by Julie McCoy, the Cruise Director from the fucking Love Boat.


(The Arcade, built in 1890)


This of course doesn't even touch on Little Italy, or the other ethnic neighborhoods and abundant festivals that happen in the area from late Spring well into Autumn. Or that we're a six hour drive from Chicago (apparently another "miserable" city). A six hour drive from D.C. A little over seven hours to NYC, and just under five to Toronto. What a horrible location we're in...

Little dinky Cleveland. Little dinky, "miserable" Cleveland...

And they're still talking about the river catching on fire. How refined.

Kurt went on to talk about Cleveland's sports teams. What I ADORE, love and admire about Cleveland fans is their immense tenacity. They LOVE their sports teams. Not because they win, obviously. But, just because. They're not fickle, fair weather fans. And that's very cool. Actually, it's quite deep. They don't really care whether they win or lose, they just enjoy the game and the camaraderie of their fellow fans.


And funny, "Kurt", in studies conducted by The Economist in 2005, Cleveland and Pittsburgh were ranked as the most livable cities in the United States and the city was ranked as the best city for business meetings in the continental U.S.

I could go on to tell you how just on our side of town in Cleveland Heights, we're at the crossroads of three major Universities, five Colleges, seven museums, botanical gardens, and two literally world reknowned hospitals - The Cleveland Clinic Foundation and University Hospitals. This is all within ten minutes of our home.


And I could go on and tell you what diversity and culture that this brings to our area. But hopefully, "Kurt", you can probably reach that conclusion on your own. Maybe not, though...





(These are some examples of the incredible, historic architecture just a few blocks from our house.)

OR, I could go on to tell you how you could own a four bedroom home with character AND a yard in our neighborhood for $150,000. You could then actually walk to restaurants, art galleries, theatre AND movies a block away. And I'm not fucking kidding, asshole.

OR, shall I go on to tell you that when we moved in, neighbors left candy, scones, sticky buns, coffee cake, cookies, cupcakes, a history book on the area, and INVITATIONS on our doorstep - WELCOMING us to the neighborhood? Yeah... And in weeks, we had a social network of friends of all ages - like-minded, educated people, that are kind and actually look out for one another. The people around here are among the best I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.


AND everything in this city is accessible, besides being affordable.

Granted, the Winter is challenging. But, those neighbors and friends of ours? They're tough. They're not some fucking pansies that start crying because of snow and cold. As a matter of fact, they're OUT IN IT AND LOVE IT.

Our first Winter here, for the first two months, I stood in the Dining Room window shivering and practically crying. I watched neighbors literally cross-county ski right down the road and I wanted to throw firecrackers at them. They were snow-shoeing, running and BIKING in the snow. And I stood there on the verge of sobbing with dynamite in one hand and a lighter in the other.

But then, I was all Miss Fucking Unsinkable Molly Brown and shit, because I was like, "THAT'S IT, BISHES!! NO MORE WHINING!" And we bought a toboggan, sleds and snow shoes. And we've been running in it as well. And when we dressed for it and embraced it, it suddenly became fun.


All that it took to change my circumstances was to change my attitude.

When the hell did everyone become such whiners??? Myself included.

I remember one time I started to bad-mouth Detroit. And then I stopped myself. And I actually said, "You know what? I've been there once. When I was a teenager. And it was for a cousin's wedding. And it was actually really beautiful where we were. Otherwise, I have no idea..."

I think people want it easy. They want to say this place is better than that place. Or whatever. But, I've found that I can't really compare too many places. They're just too different and if you can't find something beautiful right where you're at, well then, that's your problem.

When I lived in California, I missed Ohio. I missed the rolling hills. I missed thunderstorms and lighting bugs. I missed warm Summer nights and the buzz of the cicadas. I missed the silent nights of Winter. When you're walking in the Winter woods and snow clings to every branch and twig and the only thing you hear is the crunch of snow under your feet. I missed the smell of Lilacs and Lilies of the Valley. I missed skinny dipping in fresh water lakes and rivers. I missed Rhododendrons and Dogwoods. I missed the brilliance and melancholy of Autumn and the smell of fallen leaves. And I missed the incredible anticipation of Spring and the smell of the first cut grass.

And now, I miss California. I miss the mountains and the ocean. I miss the smell of the salt air and staring out at the Channel Islands. I miss giant bushes of Lavender and Rosemary. I miss dolphins and pelicans and California Oaks and Eucalyptus trees.

They're just too different to compare. And each place is beautiful in its own regard.

Well, besides Cleveland, I just don't know what tearing apart cities or where people live really serves. Are you telling me that there isn't joy in Chicago or Miami or ANY of these places??

People LIVE in these places. They're born there. They're raised there. And they raise their children and grandchildren. They build their homes there. They build their LIVES there. They go through good times and bad there. And they DIE there.

And you called their homes "miserable".

And besides, even if this bullshit article were even remotely accurate to what really matters, when people are down, why would you want to smash their faces in it?

Kurt, you're an idiot. Not talented enough to be an athlete yourself, but you have to write about it. THEN, with all the crap that's happening in this country socially and politically, THIS is what you write about?

How constructive you are. Uneducated is more like it.

Oh, and tell Forbes they can suck my balls.

I think critics like this should ask themselves, what purpose does my life have? My work... What am I doing for the betterment of this planet and the life that resides here? Or am I just going to sit here and criticize... spewing shit. You're like a SHIT geyser.

By the way, "Kurt", I've ALWAYS been for the underdog. So actually, you just made me love this place more. So, thank you for that, grease ball.

One more thing before we part, that "lake" that this "mistake" happens to sit on happens to be a "GREAT" Lake, but is really more of an inland Sea. And here it is:



Yeah. Real "miserable", fuckface.

* Philanthropist Toby Devan Lewis gives $625,000 to MetroHealth Medical Center to aid research and support arts program (What a "miserable" bitch.)
* 36 Hours In Cleveland by the New York Times (Because they're just so miserably stupid at the NY Times...)
* The Hopeful Laundry in the January 9th, 2010 issue of The Economist. (These people are trying... trying to rise up. And you so flippantly send your "miserable" message. How fucking dare you, Mr. Badenhausen and Forbes Magazine. How philanthropic... Shit geysers.)

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Au Bout de Son Latin (et Moi)


Au Bout de Son Latin, Written by Ryan Ramer, Directed by Kevin Stephanos Charnas (That's me, bishes.)

Sam (played by Natalie Green) is throwing a big get-together and everyone will be there: Chris (Me again, bishes.), Dallas, D.J., Austin, Pat, Casey. The audience won't actually see the party, however; the stage represents Sam's imagination, and we see only the goings-on inside Sam's head. From the subconscious to consciousness to action, watch as Sam's thoughts and feelings work their way through a broken telephone of the mind.

Written by new playwright Ryan Charles Ramer and directed by veteran Kevin Stephanos Charnas, (They called me a "veteran", dang... ), Au Bout de son Latin shows us what it is like be "at the end of our Latin" and to have no more words to express how we feel. When Sam begins to become obsessed with a love interest (me again) who arrives at the soiree, a process of mental unraveling begins as Sam tries desperately to maintain an outward composure. See how Sam discovers the foreign language of the soul in its wordless truth, and how our inner-selves can best be defined through music.

As part of CPT's commitment to local playwrights and producers, CPT presents the third year of Little Box, a series of staged readings of new work in development. Little Box is modeled after CPT's successful Big [BOX] Series but on a smaller scale, designed to foster works at an earlier stage of development.

Cleveland Public Theatre
6415 Detroit Avenue
Cleveland, OH
Sunday, November 15th
3:00pm
The Storefront Studio

So, that's where my stank ass will be performing tomorrow, all y'alls.

Playwright, Ryan Ramer has done a brilliant job of writing a play that I'm rather in love with... And working with Ryan and Natalie Green (who plays "Sam") has truly been my pleasure. They make it very easy. If you're so inclined and able, please come. I'm certain that you'll enjoy it. And if you don't? Well... I'll pull your hair or something like that. But, if I have to spank your bottom, that costs extra.

The "Little Box" series has been selling out, so they recommend that you get there 30 minutes early. For those of our friends and family in California who want to attend, you guys better leave yesterday... or right now at the latest.

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Celebrating Gauguin


Femmes de Tahiti [Sur la plage] (Tahitian Women [On the Beach])
1891 (150 Kb); Oil on canvas, 69 x 91 cm (27 1/8 x 35 7/8 in); Musee d'Orsay, Paris

- Gauguin, (Eugène-Henri-) Paul (b. June 7, 1848, Paris, Fr.--d. May 8, 1903, Atuona, Hiva Oa, Marquesas Islands, French Polynesia)

The Cleveland Museum of Art "is staging a major international exhibit -- an "exhibition about an exhibition" covering artist Paul Gauguin's early years. The exhibit opens Sunday and runs through Jan. 18, 2010. (The only stop in the States before it moves on to Amsterdam.)

Before his Tahiti paintings made him famous, Gauguin was snubbed by the 1889 Paris World's Fair.

Instead, he and other artists staged a rival exhibit in a Paris cafe.

Those Gauguin paintings that were in that exhibit will be featured at the CMA exhibit.

After Jan. 18, the exhibit goes to the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam.

The exhibit is entitled "Paul Gauguin: Paris, 1889" and includes more than 75 paintings, sculptures and works on paper by Gauguin and the artists of his time.

It also has the first reinstallation of works from Gauguin's 1889 exhibition in Paris.." (source)


Arearea (Joyousness) 1892; Musée d'Orsay, Paris


Tehamana Has Many Ancestors (Merahi metua no
Tehamana) (oil on canvas, 30 x
21-3/8 inches) can be found at The Art Institute of Chicago.


Vision after the Sermon (oil on
canvas, 28-3/4x36-1/4 inches) hangs in the National
Gallery of Scotland in Edinburgh.

Paul Gauguin went against the grain of his time. And I rather like that. In fact, I encourage it. He died all alone in his hut savaged by a morphine addiction, but still.

Okay, now that I think about it, maybe skip that last part.

*** 36 Hours in Cleveland from The New York Times

*** Master works get room to breathe with Cleveland Museum of Art expansion from USA TODAY

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The Fish Special

So, the other day, Will and I took the pups for a walk around Wade Lagoon, which lies in front of The Cleveland Museum of Art and is only about 5 minutes from our home. Okay, maybe 7 minutes... Alright, maybe 8. But, NO MORE! Well... maybe sometimes 9, BUT THAT'S IT, DAMN IT!!


The Lagoon itself is gorgeous and surrounded by ornamental flowering trees, fountains


and sculptures.


This is "Night" passing the Earth to "Day", with the Museum of Art sitting proudly in the background.


Even the lamp-posts are fantastic and are art in and of themselves.

And then,


there's the Museum of Art itself.


A structure from another time...


From a period of grace in the pride of continuing classical architecture, which is indeed timeless, without the need to forge one's own design and masterbate one's own ego and piss all over something that we're going to consider atrocious in 30 years.

I guess you can probably tell how I feel about most modern architecture... I'm not a big fan.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand the psychology behind the attempt to be original. And I DO appreciate some contemporary architecture. And even the shitty stuff is a great contrast to the stunning works, providing perspective. I mean, how would we know what's good if we haven't seen what's bad, right?

Anyway, enough of my silly rant, here's the beauty settling in


at dusk.


And more dusk.


And slumbering peacefully at night.

Wade Lagoon is surrounded by other fantastic structures that make up what's called "University Circle".


Severance Hall, home of the Cleveland Orchestra.


And Severance Hall at night.

And then, the holy oil can church, as we like to call it.


With its stunning patina copper steeple.


And at night, shinning bright like a pale Aquamarine stone.

So, Will, the pups and myself continued our meandering around the serene lagoon. And we came across the Koi or, "Nishikigoi" (Living Jewels), as the Japanese also refer to them, but when speaking more formally. And when pronounced out loud, sounds more like a sneeze, I know.


Now, Will and I actually have a Koi pond with our new home. And it really is tranquil, SO meditative... I really never thought I actually WANTED a Koi pond, I guess I never thought one way or the other about it. But, now that we have one, I LOVE it. Will and I take our coffee out there in the mornings and it practically lulls me right back into bed. So, it's good for the soul, but maybe not so much for the productive end of life.

Well anyway, we were watching the rather large and in-charge Koi at Wade Lagoon when these kids of maybe 18 came bouncing and sauntering up. Their pants were barely hanging on and they had probably only been the proud owners of pubes for about 4 years now.


So, they walked up and were all, "DUDE! LOOK AT THAT BIG ASS GOLDFISH!"

And I should've just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't want them to be dumb, so I said, "Actually, it's a Koi."

And they all just turned their heads and stared at me as though I just asked, "Well, Hello there... What do you all say on the count of 3, we have a 20 minute session of sucking my balls? Who's first?"

So, convincing myself that they must have not heard me, I repeated myself, "They're not really 'Goldfish', they're called 'Koi.'"

Again, nothing. They all turned around ignoring me and kept looking at the big ass goldfish.

Had I only had a slide show presentation with me. I could've said, "This is a GOLDFISH, bishes."


A super fancy one at that.

Then, there's this one,


that makes my eyes hurt. Or my eyeLIDS hurt. Or my eyes, my eyelids AND my ears. Actually, it just makes my whole face hurt. And you KNOW that he's all, "Dude... Thanks a lot for breeding me to look like this. WTF? Real nice, bro. Reeaalll nice..."

Then, there's THIS one,


Black Goldfish (wouldn't it just be called "Blackfish"? Or... "Slightly Gray and Dull Blue Fish With Lots Of Fucked Up Shit on its head"?) from GuangZhou Zoo. It's also called "Black Lion". His roar tends to be a little muffled though... with a few bloops. And you KNOW that he's all, "HEY! WHERE YOU BE AT? DANG, I CAN'T SEES A THANG! THIS SHIT BE CCRRAAZZYY, YO!" (source)

We've named our Koi... Or rather, I'VE named our Koi. Which can be unfortunate when there's an f-ing Blue Heron that occasionally lands and STEALS our family membered fish from the pond for dinner. At a later date, I shall take some pics of them and post them with their names, if there are any left. But, in the meantime, we DO have a yellow/gold one like this kind


that I've named "Goldie Hawn". She's going to be a STAR, I just know it!

Now, this is some serious dedication to Koi, no?


And I haven't quite figured it out yet, whether or not his body art is suppose to be symbolizing that his ass BLEW that Koi and those water lillies out of there, or whether his hole is like a big drain and it's going to suck them up. I'm sure that it's one or the other.

So, Will and I are loving the Koi. Although, we know that they just love us for the food.


(source) But, at least we have an understanding.


It's crazy, you can hear the fish speaking Japanese! The translation, you ask? "I NEEDS ME SOME FOOD, BISH! AND KEEPS YOUR SLIMY SCALES OFF ME, SUCKA! DANG! ALL Y'ALL BE CRAMPIN' MY GAME!! shiiiitttt.."

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this post. Well, like a stroll, really no place in particular. And that's the point of it, I guess.

Will and I continued our walk with the pups around the park.


And I noticed that there weren't too many people on their cell phones talking, or texting, or facebooking. They were looking at the trees, the flowers and the bees. They were watching the "Big Ass Goldfish" and talking with one another...in person. And it was extraordinary in its simplicity.

And I thought it was worth writing about...

***The History of Koi***

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