Shit Geysers
That's right, kick people when they're down. Good form, sport. What class you have...
Cleveland tops this very subjective (what isn't?) list of;
America's Most Miserable Cities 2010 written by a SPORTS writer who's in the Top Ten List of Greasiest Heads in America.
Bish...? NEWS FLASH! It's 2010. Dudes don't really put gel in their hair anymore. Time for an oil change, slick.
That's right, Kurt Badenhausen. So, Mister Bad-in-hosen, should we be judging you on your greasy locks and receding hairline? Huh? Or should we be judging you for looking PINK in the first pic and like stale lunchmeat in the second one? I bet there's more to you than that though, isn't there? We really shouldn't pass judgment on the origins of your family name and the curse it's left on the men in your family line of not really knowing how to handle your penis though, right? You stupid, unimaginative, uncreative, unoriginal piece of shit.
I shouldn't really be angry, because you're really only demonstrating your own ignorance. Actually, you're broadcasting it. So, I'm a little embarrassed for you. But, not too much.
I shouldn't be focusing all of this onto just you, though. It's just that you're at the end of a long list of a whole line of self-inflated, pompous, egotistical douche bags. So, I suggest you cover your oil slicked head 'cause here comes the shit, bish...
When Will and I talked about moving to Cleveland a couple of years ago, we started hearing all kinds of crap from people who knew NOTHING of the city, its history, its art and culture, or its people.
When we were contemplating leaving California because of the extraordinary high cost of living, we were considering a whole gamut of places to relocate to.
We thought of Santa Fe or Taos. We thought of Portland, Oregon. We talked about Asheville, North Carolina. We thought of the Hudson River Valley of New York. We talked about Spain, Buenos Aires and Paris. We really could've moved anywhere. We visited quite a few of the places to see how they felt and we were still not sure. Then one day, I said, "Will? Are we silly for not considering Cleveland?" Being that I grew up in nearby Warren, Ohio, we still had family here and old friends that I had grown up with. And we had visited many times and always enjoyed ourselves when we did.
I thought Will, mainly being a California boy, would not really be too keen on moving to Ohio.
But he rather surprised me when he replied, "Well, why wouldn't you want to?"
And I didn't have a good reason. Oh sure, my first thought was FEBRUARY. But, we didn't really think that should be in the "logical reason" category. Then Will said, "We could give it a try and if we don't care for it, we don't HAVE to stay. We could go someplace else."
And a little light bulb went off in my dim head and I said, "Oh... Yeah. That's true."
And so we decided on Cleveland. And ever since then, there's been such a barrage of people's mis-informed opinions and apparently they're more necessary than our feelings. Such a vanity of candor... which is rather over-rated.
So anyway... When I lived out in Santa Barbara for the past decade, I had to defend Cleveland much of the time. And Ohioans for that matter. And eventually, I had to defend Californians as well. People in California thought that everyone in Ohio ate potatoes and drank whole milk daily (I literally was asked this question from a friend in Los Angeles). And people in Ohio thought that everyone in California lived off astrology and tofu (I heard from a friend here in Ohio that no one in California is even named anything "ordinary").
(Terminal Tower and Tower City Center)
But, invariably, people would say, "CLEVELAND! YOU MEAN "THE MISTAKE ON THE LAKE"?! I bet YOU'RE glad you left!"
And I'd say, "Well, first of all, the whole "mistake on the lake" thing was funny the first 200 times I heard it. And second of all, have you ever been to Cleveland?"
And they hadn't. And if they had, they had a lay-over at the airport. And then, they'd go, "The Browns suck! But, they got the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame! That's cool! And Drew Carey and all. 'Cleveland Rocks! CLEVELAND ROCKS!"
And I'd reply, "Yes. Yes, that's true. There's a bit more to it than that though. But, okay."
Then, if they pushed me more and said something about the Cuyahoga River catching on fire, I'd have to let them have it. And I'd say, "So... Did you know that virtually ANY industrialized city during that time was mass polluting? And it's rather surprising that more cities' waterways didn't catch fire. Did you or your parents buy cars during the 40's, 50's, 60's, or 70's? Or did you guys just walk everywhere? Did you or your parents buy anything that was constructed of steel during that time? Because if so, then you or your parents were accomplices to the immense pollution which led to the river catching on fire. The consumer is as much to blame as the producer. A symbiotic relationship.
"And, at least it spurred on the EPA and the environmental movement. Unfortunately, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better...
"Or I guess you don't know too much about art, classical music or theater, huh? Because Cleveland already had a world class art museum to begin with due to all of the old money in Cleveland (including the Rockefellers) that established it. But then in the 50's when the Hanna Estate left the equivalent of today's one BILLION dollars to the museum, that sent it up into the sky. The collection is astounding and it's free. FREE. Every day. AND it's accessible. You don't have to fight off hundreds of people to see a work of art.
"And The Cleveland Orchestra is in the top five in the world. THE TOP FIVE IN THE WORLD.
"Or... How about The Playhouse Square Center, in downtown Cleveland? It's the second-largest theater complex in the United States (second only to New York City's Lincoln Center).
"Or, how Cuyahoga County Public Library received the highest score among the nation's biggest libraries. That's just chicken shit, right? (And it's both buildings, bishes.)
(This is in the entrance hall of the library.)
"Or do you know about The West Side Market?
"The 1912 structure - a massive yellow-brick building with an interior concourse providing room for 100 stalls of ethic food, fresh meats, fish, seafood and cheeses, as well as fresh baked goods and staples of any American kitchen, an outdoor arcade with 85 stands of fresh fruits and vegetables, and a large clock tower, it's where grocery shopping actually becomes an "event", which is all just a miserable hunk of steaming shit, right?
"Or how The Cuyahoga Valley National Park is the largest urban forest in the lower 48 States.
"And that doesn't even include The Cleveland's Metorparks, which is a system of nature preserves in Greater Cleveland. The preserves, which encircle the city generally follow the rivers that flow through the region to Lake Erie. Referred to affectionately as the "Emerald Necklace", the network of 16 reservations across 22,000 acres includes hundreds of miles of walking, bicycle, and horse trails, parks, picnic areas, five nature education centers, seven golf courses, and abundant fishing holes. In addition, the park district manages the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo and Rainforest."
And then, whoever my victim was would just stand there speechless and blinking thinking I had been possessed by Julie McCoy, the Cruise Director from the fucking Love Boat.
This of course doesn't even touch on Little Italy, or the other ethnic neighborhoods and abundant festivals that happen in the area from late Spring well into Autumn. Or that we're a six hour drive from Chicago (apparently another "miserable" city). A six hour drive from D.C. A little over seven hours to NYC, and just under five to Toronto. What a horrible location we're in...
Little dinky Cleveland. Little dinky, "miserable" Cleveland...
And they're still talking about the river catching on fire. How refined.
Kurt went on to talk about Cleveland's sports teams. What I ADORE, love and admire about Cleveland fans is their immense tenacity. They LOVE their sports teams. Not because they win, obviously. But, just because. They're not fickle, fair weather fans. And that's very cool. Actually, it's quite deep. They don't really care whether they win or lose, they just enjoy the game and the camaraderie of their fellow fans.
And funny, "Kurt", in studies conducted by The Economist in 2005, Cleveland and Pittsburgh were ranked as the most livable cities in the United States and the city was ranked as the best city for business meetings in the continental U.S.
I could go on to tell you how just on our side of town in Cleveland Heights, we're at the crossroads of three major Universities, five Colleges, seven museums, botanical gardens, and two literally world reknowned hospitals - The Cleveland Clinic Foundation and University Hospitals. This is all within ten minutes of our home.
And I could go on and tell you what diversity and culture that this brings to our area. But hopefully, "Kurt", you can probably reach that conclusion on your own. Maybe not, though...
(These are some examples of the incredible, historic architecture just a few blocks from our house.)
OR, I could go on to tell you how you could own a four bedroom home with character AND a yard in our neighborhood for $150,000. You could then actually walk to restaurants, art galleries, theatre AND movies a block away. And I'm not fucking kidding, asshole.
OR, shall I go on to tell you that when we moved in, neighbors left candy, scones, sticky buns, coffee cake, cookies, cupcakes, a history book on the area, and INVITATIONS on our doorstep - WELCOMING us to the neighborhood? Yeah... And in weeks, we had a social network of friends of all ages - like-minded, educated people, that are kind and actually look out for one another. The people around here are among the best I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
AND everything in this city is accessible, besides being affordable.
Granted, the Winter is challenging. But, those neighbors and friends of ours? They're tough. They're not some fucking pansies that start crying because of snow and cold. As a matter of fact, they're OUT IN IT AND LOVE IT.
Our first Winter here, for the first two months, I stood in the Dining Room window shivering and practically crying. I watched neighbors literally cross-county ski right down the road and I wanted to throw firecrackers at them. They were snow-shoeing, running and BIKING in the snow. And I stood there on the verge of sobbing with dynamite in one hand and a lighter in the other.
But then, I was all Miss Fucking Unsinkable Molly Brown and shit, because I was like, "THAT'S IT, BISHES!! NO MORE WHINING!" And we bought a toboggan, sleds and snow shoes. And we've been running in it as well. And when we dressed for it and embraced it, it suddenly became fun.
All that it took to change my circumstances was to change my attitude.
When the hell did everyone become such whiners??? Myself included.
I remember one time I started to bad-mouth Detroit. And then I stopped myself. And I actually said, "You know what? I've been there once. When I was a teenager. And it was for a cousin's wedding. And it was actually really beautiful where we were. Otherwise, I have no idea..."
I think people want it easy. They want to say this place is better than that place. Or whatever. But, I've found that I can't really compare too many places. They're just too different and if you can't find something beautiful right where you're at, well then, that's your problem.
When I lived in California, I missed Ohio. I missed the rolling hills. I missed thunderstorms and lighting bugs. I missed warm Summer nights and the buzz of the cicadas. I missed the silent nights of Winter. When you're walking in the Winter woods and snow clings to every branch and twig and the only thing you hear is the crunch of snow under your feet. I missed the smell of Lilacs and Lilies of the Valley. I missed skinny dipping in fresh water lakes and rivers. I missed Rhododendrons and Dogwoods. I missed the brilliance and melancholy of Autumn and the smell of fallen leaves. And I missed the incredible anticipation of Spring and the smell of the first cut grass.
And now, I miss California. I miss the mountains and the ocean. I miss the smell of the salt air and staring out at the Channel Islands. I miss giant bushes of Lavender and Rosemary. I miss dolphins and pelicans and California Oaks and Eucalyptus trees.
They're just too different to compare. And each place is beautiful in its own regard.
Well, besides Cleveland, I just don't know what tearing apart cities or where people live really serves. Are you telling me that there isn't joy in Chicago or Miami or ANY of these places??
People LIVE in these places. They're born there. They're raised there. And they raise their children and grandchildren. They build their homes there. They build their LIVES there. They go through good times and bad there. And they DIE there.
And you called their homes "miserable".
And besides, even if this bullshit article were even remotely accurate to what really matters, when people are down, why would you want to smash their faces in it?
Kurt, you're an idiot. Not talented enough to be an athlete yourself, but you have to write about it. THEN, with all the crap that's happening in this country socially and politically, THIS is what you write about?
How constructive you are. Uneducated is more like it.
Oh, and tell Forbes they can suck my balls.
I think critics like this should ask themselves, what purpose does my life have? My work... What am I doing for the betterment of this planet and the life that resides here? Or am I just going to sit here and criticize... spewing shit. You're like a SHIT geyser.
By the way, "Kurt", I've ALWAYS been for the underdog. So actually, you just made me love this place more. So, thank you for that, grease ball.
One more thing before we part, that "lake" that this "mistake" happens to sit on happens to be a "GREAT" Lake, but is really more of an inland Sea. And here it is:
Yeah. Real "miserable", fuckface.
* Philanthropist Toby Devan Lewis gives $625,000 to MetroHealth Medical Center to aid research and support arts program (What a "miserable" bitch.)
* 36 Hours In Cleveland by the New York Times (Because they're just so miserably stupid at the NY Times...)
* The Hopeful Laundry in the January 9th, 2010 issue of The Economist. (These people are trying... trying to rise up. And you so flippantly send your "miserable" message. How fucking dare you, Mr. Badenhausen and Forbes Magazine. How philanthropic... Shit geysers.)
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