Big, Scary, Mean Smoke Monster

in

I'm... going... to... speak... very... very... slowly... for... the... delusional... in... the... group.

Although, I'm not going to continue to write slowly. Just read slowly if you need to... It's okay, no one is checking. And take notes if you have to.

Okay, "Global Warming" was just too much, because they were all like, (please read all following italicised text with a hillbilly dialect - thank you) "'Global Warmin' MY ASS! There's still snow in Winter and sometimes it gets really, really cold! Like, you know, below zero! And only Hitler knows what that is in that commie Celsius degree mumbo-jumbo those red-belly Euros use! This is just a way for Al Gore to make tons of money because he owns stock in trees and he wants people to plant trees. AND IT'S SNOWING IN WINTER FOR GEE-WILLY'S SAKE! And then 'they' mentioned hot cow farts and well, I just told Marge I don't believe it. HOT COW FARTS ARE RUINING THE PLANET?? COME ON!! I told Marge, I said, 'Marge, the only one trying to ruin the planet around here is that Al Gore! He wants to plant a bunch of gosh darn trees! We can't have TREES everywhere! You wouldn't be able to walk in a straight line or drive a car very far without hitting somepin' for gosh darn's sake! All the roads would be curvy and topsy-turvy and goin' around trees and I'd get car-sick! And I bet I wouldn't be the only one! Everyone would be throwing up and there'd be barf all over the place! And really, when was the last time you saw a tree help with ANYTHING!? I mean, they always droppin' leaves and twigs and those helicopter things and acorns and cloggin' the gutters and LORD ALMIGHTY!"

And then we talked about our "Carbon Footprint".

"Carbon Footprint"? Well, what in the heck are all y'all talkin' about!? I got skin on my foots. And sometimes I gots shoes on 'em. I ain't got no carbon on my foots! Carbon's in a printer, silly! And I bet 'carbon' is a French word! DARN FRENCH! Trying to own fries and everathang. Well, guess what. THEY'RE FREEDOM FRIES NOW! TAKE THAT!! I'll put my 'carbon' footprint right up your derriere. Get it, Marge? I said 'derriere' instead of ass. Funny, huh, Marge? Those darn French. They just smell anyway. IT'S PROLLY THEIR B-O THAT'S RUINING THE PLANET! For chriminity's sake! And "car-bon" sounds an awful lot like "car-bomb". I bet it's French-moslem talk for blowing things up! The French and those moslems are RUINING EVERATHANG!"

So... THEN they tried "Climate Change".

Well... I don't think that's cutting it either. Because then they've been all, "CLIMATE CHANGE! WELL, DUH!! IT'S CALLED WEATHER! Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. I mean, really! I just told Marge about it the other day when we was standing outside the Piggly-Wiggly smoking our cigarettes. I told Marge, I did! I said, "Marge! Now, them commies are calling it "climate change"! Marge, it's called "weather". I mean, look. They point to some clouds up there and they start yellin'. And those people who suffered all those floods in Pack-It-Stan and the people who got wolloped in that big tidal wave over there in that Indamnesia place, well... I don't want to say nothin', but they ain't 'Christians'. And then, those people out there in that California with the fires and the earthquakes and the mudslides, well... I don't want to say nothin', but that whole state might as well just be Sodom and Gomorra. I mean, am I right, Marge? Spring springs, Summer's hot, Autumn leaves fall, and then it snows in Winter! It's called WEATHER. And sometimes it rains, and sometimes it doesn't. Baby Jesus is the only one who knows when it's going to rain! And Marge knew JUST what I was talkin' about..."

So, yeah. I think we just need to call it "Big, Scary, Mean Smoke Monster".

Oh, wait a minute...

I can just see it now.

"BIG, SCARY, MEAN SMOKE MONSTER!! COME ON!! You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! Marge? Did you hear that? Now, they're saying it's a "Big, Scary, Mean Smoke Monster"! Marge? Am I crazy? I mean how ridiculous is THAT! I mean, really... We ALL KNOW that that big, scary, mean smoke monster is on that island out there in the Pattsifi... Pattspecific... PatsyCline... IN THAT DARN OCEAN WHERE ALL THOSE DARK-SKINNED PEOPLE THAT AREN'T CHRISTIAN LIVE! But, those poor people crashed there on that island in that Documentary "Lost" that we used to watch... Member? And that big, scary, mean smoke monster would come out of the jungle and start throwing people up in the air and well... I think most of them was "Christian". I bet that smoke monster's a moslem. But you know what I just realized! They was from California! SEE, MARGE!! SINNERS!! But, Marge... I bet those lilly-livered commies watched that show and thought that smoke monster was some exhausted fumes or somepin' and ruinin' the planet by throwing people up in the air! They probably don't know that it can't leave that island! You know what? I can see where that could get confusin'."

So, maybe we should just go right for the money and call it... "Big, Bad, Commie Air - That Is Sometimes Invisible".

What do you think?

"Marge. MARGE! Did you hear what's goin' on? Marge... YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. BUT, YOU GOT TO! It's terrible, Marge. There's somepin' called a "Big, Bad, Commie Air" thing goin' on. It's comin' out of cars and factories and... ... and... cow's butts and... It's even comin' out of Cheverolettes! It's scary, Marge. I bet it's those Japs that are doin' this. But, I had no idea that cows were communists. Did you know that, Marge? Now that I think of it, them cows always seem real secretive, you know? Like they just keep their heads down and don't say NOTHIN'. They leave enough grass for each other and just walk real slow like they're UP TO SOMEPIN'! And I never did trust nothin' with a bunch of nipples. You know what? There's not a doubt in my mind that this is Barack Hussein Obamalama's fault! Oh Lord, I just thought about all that milk Junior's been drinkin'! OH, MARGE, JUNIOR'S BEEN DRINKIN' COMMIE MILK! That's it! We gotta do somepin'! I'm gonna get Fred. I'm gonna get Fred to build us a bunker. FRED! FRED!! PUT THAT MILLER LITE DOWN RIGHT NOW! Go get a shovel and start diggin' a bunker. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WHAT FER'? JUST DO IT! WE GOT TO HIDE FROM THAT COMMIE AIR!! Marge, I got to hang up. I'm going to Piggly Wiggly and stockin' up on canned goods and shot gun shells and cigarettes. Can never have enough Spaghetti O's or bullets or smokes."

M-A-S-S P-O-L-L-U-T-I-O-N is not up for debate.

We're treating the earth like garbage.

And just where else is it that we're suppose to live?

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Blades of Ass

in

"As if the birds and the squirrels and the chipmunks or the deer can read signs..." ~ Maureen Charnas (my Mom, bishes)

Because it just goes away after it dries?

Besides the fact that we're clueless that we actually SHARE this world with other life, we're poisoning ourselves. And for what? A lawn WITHOUT "WEEDS"??

SERIOUSLY???

IS EVERYONE FUCKING RETARDED???

No need to answer that.

*** Fritz Haeg's Edible Estates: Attack on the Front Lawn

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Who Cares "Why?" or "How?"

in

How 'bout we just enjoy it.

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time."

~ Sir J. Lubbock (April 30, 1834 – May 28, 1913)

(Nice hair, bish.)

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Our Place

in

(source)

Thank you for this contribution, Yani!

* Oil sludge washes in Florida, dolphin stranded

Please tell the attorneys general of Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, and Mississippi to file charges of cruelty to animals against the BP executives who allowed this to happen and, because of their negligence, continue to let it go on. (You don't have to be a member of PETA to sign this petition.)

Silence is compliance.

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The Attempt

in

So the other day, Will and I celebrated 8 years together, which is roughly the equivalent of 56 years in gay years. We didn't actually know that it was the anniversary of our first date until our ever faithful Dor kindly reminded us. She always does... Thank you, Doe! So, without meaning to celebrate it, we celebrated it, by attending a showing at Cleveland's MOCA with some friends. We ate some fine hors d'oeuvres and sipped (gulped) some wine. We chatted with some of the artists who were there featuring their work and stared at all of the women's fantastic shoes and their gussied up toe nails. After all, it IS Summer... and we ARE gay. We pondered some video installations - some funny, some disturbing and most I just didn't "get". I felt like yelling at one of them, "NO MORE BLOOD!! NO MORE SIMULATED SEX WITH DEAD GRANDPA!! NO MORE UNBLINKING EYES!! DON'T MAKE ME HURT A STRANGER!!" But, I didn't... Damn it. Maybe one day I'll yell my honesty from the top of my lungs and hurt a stranger. I hope that they deserve it.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore... See? This is what contemporary art does to me.

So afterwards, we headed on over to NightTown for some spirits and dinner. We had a great time, although the waiter could've toned it down a bit. We were there for dinner and he was our server, not our coach. And we weren't looking for a battle plan really. He wasn't horrible, just a little too aggressive for my liking. I felt like relaxing, not getting in a huddle to shout out my entree order, "31! 24! 15!! I'LL HAVE THE HALLOUMI KABOBS AND A FUCKING HOUSE SALAD WITH CRUMBLES OF BLEU CHEESE!! NOW, GO!!"

Anyway, during dinner, the six of us got to talking, as we do, and we quickly began lamenting the oil spill and the developed world's dependence on fossil fuels.

Our very good friend, ... ... let's call her "Yani", and no, not THIS

"Yani" (apparently, this woman's name is "Yani"). So, not THIS one. I have NO IDEA what her bubbies are listening to, but if they'd stop clowning around, they could feed Uganda.

And no, not after the

dramatic Greek guy with all the hair (I know that's redundant).

And NO, not after the

Wamena-YANI-tribesmen (I know that's exactly what you were thinking... HHEEYY, BOYS!! Nice... um... jock straps? What the fuck ARE those things? Cock launchers? Good god, man... those look dangerous. Oh sure, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. What are you guys going to do with those? Play the xylophone?)

But, just plain "Yani", because I feel like it. And I have my reasons.

So, we were lamenting the oil spill... And besides conservation of resources, besides using alternative products to petroleum, besides signing petitions and writing to our people in congress, WHAT could we do that is more aggressive?

"Yani", feeling the severity of the situation, really, the immediacy of the disaster, was almost overcome with anguish. Our friend is used to action. And she lives by strict standards of being a vegan because of health AND ethical reasons. She's DEVOTED to progress, to the environment and animals' rights. And over the years, she has marched against war, for women's rights, for gay rights... She has stood up for what she believes in and speaks her mind freely and courageously.

My heart swells with pride for her and her unwavering devotion to her passions, to what she believes and knows is right. If only we could all be more like her...

We talked of making a plan to conserve even more, to go in on a co-op together of purchasing organic food direct from the farmer. So, one person from each of the three households present was to take part in that - and the immense job of canning to follow. That left me and the other two husbands of the group - jobless.

I offered that maybe we could start up and manage a group of exotic male dancers who weigh over 300 lbs to raise awareness of our cause.

Everyone just stared at me.

Sheesh... It wasn't like I said manage a group of,

"Fat midget strippers". What kind of guy do you peeps think I am??

Someone inquired, "A bunch of fat male dancers?"

And I replied, "They don't HAVE to be fat, just over 300 lbs. They could be like... big football players. You know, just big. But, they have to exotic dance. Like... swinging round a pole and stuff."

Yeah. So, no one really took my idea seriously. And so we started talking about forming a church. And maybe a religion. One where we would vehemently denounce corporate greed. One where, our leader and elders would be sharks going after the ones hiding behind their false cloaks of god, who all the while rape humanity and the planet of its beauty... its truth and innocence. The very antithesis of who they say they are... THOSE with greed clouding their judgment would be our focus.

I know, it always starts out with good intentions, but that's a slippery slope.

I mentioned the overweight, male dancers again. And someone said, "And what in the hell is THAT going to do?"

And I replied, "Who cares? I dunno... raise money."

Again, no one was buying it.

By the end of the evening, things were pretty much still left up in the polluted air. But, I'm pretty sure I can tell you one thing. That everyone at the table was deeply concerned, to the point of emotion. And they're deeply devoted to progress... in the most conscientious manner. And we ARE trying.

We're all willing to do our best. And even though that may differ from day-to-day, we're still going to do it. 'Cause that's how we roll. So, I'm hoping you'll join us. 'Cause we could use the company.

And here are some others who are determined... to try and do their best.

Oohh yeah... You like that? Huh? Do you? AND WHAT ABOUT THIS MOVE, HUH, COWBOY?? HHIII-YYAAA!! (That's what happens when Sumos start slappin'.)

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Girlfriend threw girlfriend up in the air. And now she's going to eat one of the judges.

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Boyfriend carried boyfriend out of the fire. While shitting his pants. Or getting ready to sneeze. Whatever the case may be, he was definitely multi-tasking.

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DUDE! You might as well smile while you still can...

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I don't believe you, Homer. I like you, but I don't believe you. At least if we try, it's going to put us a little farther ahead than if we hadn't tried at all.

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A Standing Civilization (Fit Together)

in

So yesterday, Will, Matthew and myself were at that fantastic Cleveland Museum of Art. And I saw this Matisse sculpture with the accompanying text.

Fit the parts together, one into the other, and build your figure like a carpenter builds a house. Everything must be constructed, composed of parts that make a whole...

~ Henri Matisse (1869-1954)

And I thought to myself, Humm... If only we all thought we were truly necessary, and that we couldn't survive without the other... That we were all beautiful parts of the whole.

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No Skillet Necessary

in , , ,

Frustration mounts as oil seeps into Gulf wetlands

Louisiana fishermen losing patience over spill

UN fears 'irreversible' damage to natural environment

One way you can help?

Use less and do some manual shit for a change. Your heart and mind will thank you...

And for Christ's sake,

STOP USING A GASOLINE POWERED VIBRATOR.

I will if you will.

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