HERCULANEUM

I'm... going... to... speak... very... very... slowly... for... the... delusional... in... the... group.

Although, I'm not going to continue to write slowly. Just read slowly if you need to... It's okay, no one is checking. And take notes if you have to.

Okay, "Global Warming" was just too much, because they were all like, (please read all following italicised text with a hillbilly dialect - thank you) "'Global Warmin' MY ASS! There's still snow in Winter and sometimes it gets really, really cold! Like, you know, below zero! And only Hitler knows what that is in that commie Celsius degree mumbo-jumbo those red-belly Euros use! This is just a way for Al Gore to make tons of money because he owns stock in trees and he wants people to plant trees. AND IT'S SNOWING IN WINTER FOR GEE-WILLY'S SAKE! And then 'they' mentioned hot cow farts and well, I just told Marge I don't believe it. HOT COW FARTS ARE RUINING THE PLANET?? COME ON!! I told Marge, I said, 'Marge, the only one trying to ruin the planet around here is that Al Gore! He wants to plant a bunch of gosh darn trees! We can't have TREES everywhere! You wouldn't be able to walk in a straight line or drive a car very far without hitting somepin' for gosh darn's sake! All the roads would be curvy and topsy-turvy and goin' around trees and I'd get car-sick! And I bet I wouldn't be the only one! Everyone would be throwing up and there'd be barf all over the place! And really, when was the last time you saw a tree help with ANYTHING!? I mean, they always droppin' leaves and twigs and those helicopter things and acorns and cloggin' the gutters and LORD ALMIGHTY!"

And then we talked about our "Carbon Footprint".

"Carbon Footprint"? Well, what in the heck are all y'all talkin' about!? I got skin on my foots. And sometimes I gots shoes on 'em. I ain't got no carbon on my foots! Carbon's in a printer, silly! And I bet 'carbon' is a French word! DARN FRENCH! Trying to own fries and everathang. Well, guess what. THEY'RE FREEDOM FRIES NOW! TAKE THAT!! I'll put my 'carbon' footprint right up your derriere. Get it, Marge? I said 'derriere' instead of ass. Funny, huh, Marge? Those darn French. They just smell anyway. IT'S PROLLY THEIR B-O THAT'S RUINING THE PLANET! For chriminity's sake! And "car-bon" sounds an awful lot like "car-bomb". I bet it's French-moslem talk for blowing things up! The French and those moslems are RUINING EVERATHANG!"

So... THEN they tried "Climate Change".

Well... I don't think that's cutting it either. Because then they've been all, "CLIMATE CHANGE! WELL, DUH!! IT'S CALLED WEATHER! Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. I mean, really! I just told Marge about it the other day when we was standing outside the Piggly-Wiggly smoking our cigarettes. I told Marge, I did! I said, "Marge! Now, them commies are calling it "climate change"! Marge, it's called "weather". I mean, look. They point to some clouds up there and they start yellin'. And those people who suffered all those floods in Pack-It-Stan and the people who got wolloped in that big tidal wave over there in that Indamnesia place, well... I don't want to say nothin', but they ain't 'Christians'. And then, those people out there in that California with the fires and the earthquakes and the mudslides, well... I don't want to say nothin', but that whole state might as well just be Sodom and Gomorra. I mean, am I right, Marge? Spring springs, Summer's hot, Autumn leaves fall, and then it snows in Winter! It's called WEATHER. And sometimes it rains, and sometimes it doesn't. Baby Jesus is the only one who knows when it's going to rain! And Marge knew JUST what I was talkin' about..."

So, yeah. I think we just need to call it "Big, Scary, Mean Smoke Monster".

Oh, wait a minute...

I can just see it now.

"BIG, SCARY, MEAN SMOKE MONSTER!! COME ON!! You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! Marge? Did you hear that? Now, they're saying it's a "Big, Scary, Mean Smoke Monster"! Marge? Am I crazy? I mean how ridiculous is THAT! I mean, really... We ALL KNOW that that big, scary, mean smoke monster is on that island out there in the Pattsifi... Pattspecific... PatsyCline... IN THAT DARN OCEAN WHERE ALL THOSE DARK-SKINNED PEOPLE THAT AREN'T CHRISTIAN LIVE! But, those poor people crashed there on that island in that Documentary "Lost" that we used to watch... Member? And that big, scary, mean smoke monster would come out of the jungle and start throwing people up in the air and well... I think most of them was "Christian". I bet that smoke monster's a moslem. But you know what I just realized! They was from California! SEE, MARGE!! SINNERS!! But, Marge... I bet those lilly-livered commies watched that show and thought that smoke monster was some exhausted fumes or somepin' and ruinin' the planet by throwing people up in the air! They probably don't know that it can't leave that island! You know what? I can see where that could get confusin'."

So, maybe we should just go right for the money and call it... "Big, Bad, Commie Air - That Is Sometimes Invisible".

What do you think?

"Marge. MARGE! Did you hear what's goin' on? Marge... YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. BUT, YOU GOT TO! It's terrible, Marge. There's somepin' called a "Big, Bad, Commie Air" thing goin' on. It's comin' out of cars and factories and... ... and... cow's butts and... It's even comin' out of Cheverolettes! It's scary, Marge. I bet it's those Japs that are doin' this. But, I had no idea that cows were communists. Did you know that, Marge? Now that I think of it, them cows always seem real secretive, you know? Like they just keep their heads down and don't say NOTHIN'. They leave enough grass for each other and just walk real slow like they're UP TO SOMEPIN'! And I never did trust nothin' with a bunch of nipples. You know what? There's not a doubt in my mind that this is Barack Hussein Obamalama's fault! Oh Lord, I just thought about all that milk Junior's been drinkin'! OH, MARGE, JUNIOR'S BEEN DRINKIN' COMMIE MILK! That's it! We gotta do somepin'! I'm gonna get Fred. I'm gonna get Fred to build us a bunker. FRED! FRED!! PUT THAT MILLER LITE DOWN RIGHT NOW! Go get a shovel and start diggin' a bunker. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WHAT FER'? JUST DO IT! WE GOT TO HIDE FROM THAT COMMIE AIR!! Marge, I got to hang up. I'm going to Piggly Wiggly and stockin' up on canned goods and shot gun shells and cigarettes. Can never have enough Spaghetti O's or bullets or smokes."

M-A-S-S P-O-L-L-U-T-I-O-N is not up for debate.

We're treating the earth like garbage.

And just where else is it that we're suppose to live?

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