A Collection of WTFs for Wednesday #3

in

It's been too long, hasn't it? Whaddya say? Let's have some fun, bishes...

Have my dreams come true?

Because seeing a statue of a dude 69ing a cow is totally on my bucket list.

Actually 69ing a cow would just be too much to ask for, wouldn't it... Because getting tea-bagged by crazy udders is just da bomb. Am I right? *******************

One of our bestest buds, Jen Sandypants, sent this pic to me and said, "Kev, honey, I took this picture because it reminded me of you!"

That is just so sweet, Jen. Thanks. How thoughtful. Like I'm a spooge dumpster or something. *******************

Umm... Yeah. I don't think that really helps anything... Faster? I doubt it. Higher? Most definitely. Maybe it helps you see over big hair or something. Then, that's cool. That would've been really useful in the 80's. And how the F did you get up there? Now that I think of it, it is kind of impressive. But more than anything, I want to be there when you jackknife. THEN, we'll see who's smiling... *************************

So, yeah... Dude sitting upon the equivalent of four bicycles is kind of impressive...

But,... NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS THIS, BISH!!!

Yeah... EXACTLY. You thought you were all badass on your four bikes. Whatever. Yawn. ***************************

run.

I SAID RUN... Swim... You might as well just start swimming. *************************

And what can make a hurricane instantly more dangerous?

Bears. ***********************

What total mo,

designed this ad? Wrap two hot menz in chains and have 'em pull on one another and pretendzz that they be all working it and shizz. So... The black guy is $34.99 and the white guy is $29.99. Is that per minute? Per hour? I suppose I should read the fine print. Oh hell, I'll take both. Because if I were to be honest again, I'm reluctantly a little turned on. I'm not proud of it, but there we have it. ***********************

I am no longer turned on. Curious and a little bit scared? Yes. Turned on? No. ********************

Dude...

SO not cool. ***********************

Nice balls, bish. Although, if I were you, I'd watch out for Michael Jackson, Edward Scissorhands, the Scot behind you in the kilt, and the troll/butler by the door. 'Cause I'm pretty sure they've all got eyes for your balls. I'd be careful with Edward though. He can be kind of... intense. And the troll. He can be kind of... trollish. And Michael... Well,... Just go for the Scot. Easy access. And they've got that whole brogue thing going on, which is just UBER-hot. Blows my panties off every time. ***********************

Speaking of panties...

Umm... Dude? I'm not really complaining,

But why are you in yours? *********************

Oh my god... I don't want to say anything, but I think that someone's been chasing parked cars. And it's not the lion. And why THAT shirt? How 'bout a blouse, or a poncho, or a harness, Miss Lopsidedpalooza? And bish? Washed hair can go a loonngg way. As can a hat, scarf, or wig. Pick one. Hell, at this point, pick all three. *********************

It's like he just launched off girlfriend's boobs from the above pic. Dude... I wonder if he still had teeth after he landed... Or a head for that matter... *****************

Good god, man...

GET A ROOM. **********************

And...

Jesus Christ... TANNING YOUR HOLE??? What? It's not brown enough? And what about the circles from the spool? It's going to look like you have three holes. And nice hair, by the way. Like you couldn't have asked a friend or a neighbor to clip all that shit before the photo shoot? **********************

*** A Collection of WTFs for Monday (With a Strong Sprinkling of A-Holes) *** A Collection of WTFs For Thursday… #3 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Friday (And The "Lots of Skin Edition") *** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday... #2 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday... *** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday... #2 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday...

*********************************

America's Got Talent

in

I don't want to mention any names, but SOMEBODY wearing a little red get-up with an extreme wedgie is going to TAKE-OFF.

ALTERNATE TITLES

1. Jet Propelled Giant Tampon WINS THE GOLD!

2. Vagina And Vulva ACTIVATE - Form of - CRAZY-ASS VELOCITY x A MILLION!

3. Hot Poker

4. SSHHAAA-ZZAAMMMM!

5. BBBBBBBBBBBB-BBBBBBBBBBBBB-BBBBBBBBBBBBB...

6. TO THE LEFT! TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! TO THE RIGHT!

7. Now, It Would Be REALLY Impressive If That Thing Were On Fire (The baton, not the puss. Actually, I'm rather surprised that both of them aren't.)

8. Beat Box

9. (Speaking of fire) SMOKIN'

9 1/2. Baton Rouge

10. You'll poke your eye out, kid.

11. Twirla Monster

(This one goes to eleven.)

************************************

A Collection of WTFs for Monday (With a Strong Sprinkling of A-Holes)

in

SSHAA-ZAAMM! Every party needs one of these a-holes. Just hide the crystal. Actually, just hide everything you don't want broken except the liquor. Keep that out. *******************

Papasan must not be here... Lap pillows? With skirts?? I don't even want to know what's up those skirts. I take that back. Yes, I do.

And just in case those aren't pervy enough,

If you like your lovers dressed in something frilly and without a torso... ********************

Well, well, well... I know ONE pillow that's a little bit excited about something... Guess what naughty pillow's sleeping with Mommy tonight...? *********************

Okay, NOW that poor pillow is just embarrassed and feels inadequate. What's up with the ropes? To hold it back from doing serious damage? 'Cause it could. I think that thing could take on Godzilla. And what's up with those... boomerangs tied up near the... top? When that thing starts whirling around, do those turn into like... Chinese throwing stars or something? **********************

No, no, NO! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG! And stop pointing out the obvious. It's step-ball-change, then barrel roll! How many times do I have to tell you?

See?

Even this loud-mouthed bunny knows. Giraffes and ducks no NOTHING of choreography! Oh sure, they SAY they do. But, they don't. YOU'RE ALL LIARS!!! I can't work like this... ***********************

Yuk.

That's exactly what I thought too. ***********************

Dude. A Lightening bolt out of your thumb or elbow? Really? It would've been FAR more interesting if it were coming out your a-hole, albeit combined with the gas, more dangerous.

Speaking of a-holes...

Please let me introduce a couple of them. That unfortunate baby... Note to baby: Just because you come from a-holes, doesn't mean you have to BE one.

And maybe one more a-hole for the road...

Jesus Christ... Nice going, Dad. Let me guess, you secretly thought JonBenet Ramsey was hot. And are mermaid's nipples green? WHO thought this was okay??? ***********************

What the F kind of statue is THIS? Does this commemorate all the people who like to hide stuff in their holes? Or does it commemorate all the people who like to hide stuff in other people's holes...? Or is this just the international statue for fisting? **************************

What EVERYONE should do on a Monday:

TAKE 'EM COWBOY!! You CAN DO IT!! I hope this is me one day. I realize that I'm the only one holding myself back from this kind of achievement. So, the tall white guy in the white shirt, back center thinks this is great. It's too much to ask for that those policemen are using cattle prods, isn't it? And then look at the guy with the shield on the left. He's all looking down at the guy's peeper. He's all like, "Hheerrrooo, Sailor. I just found my next husband." Or something along those lines. "Sailor" would probably be more like "SaiRor". I was afraid that if I put the "r" in it to begin with, you wouldn't know what the herr I was tarking about. You stirr probabry don't. **********************

Holy crap. Nice tongue. I don't care what the hell your name is, that you're missing half your teeth and don't say a god damn word, you'll just ruin everything, just come over and get busy. *********************

I... Umm... I just... Oh, dear... WHO dressed her? And is THAT a giant lump of pubes? Clip it, bish. I mean, Crip it, bish. *********************

Okay, R2-D2, your hole is totally off-center. I bet that catches A LOT of people off-guard. Slut. And if you tell me that you shoot something out of there, I'm going to slap that control panel clean off you. *********************

Why do we do this shit to animals? **********************

*** A Collection of WTFs For Thursday… #3 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Friday (And The "Lots of Skin Edition") *** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday... #2 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday... *** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday... #2 *** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday...

*********************************

Date Night

in

I'll make the sacrifice and take the one with the glasses on the left. You can have the one on the right.

It's okay, really. I insist. You don't have to thank me. That's what friends are for.

(Mary Kay? We have a 911 in progress over at the Diner... What's your ETA?)

***********************************