Another Year...Thankfully

Wow. Thank you so much for all of your Birthday wishes! I truly appreciate them and they certainly helped make my day.

It was a great day and I'm still basking in the glow of it. Although, I did have an angry exchange with an asswipe neighbor who tried to buttfuck my car with her car. That was a real nice treat right before dinner. Dumb whore...trying to treat my car all naughty and such.

I think that it's amazing that I'm the bad guy for calling her on her over-aggressive driving. I'm sorry, but when you're so close to my back bumper that I can no longer see your headlights, that's too close.

When I pulled over to let her drive around me and I actually said out the window; "Go ahead, you're in such a hurry, you just go right ahead." So, she screamed out her window; "YOU SHOULD ADJUST YOUR MEDS!!!" Which is rather funny, but then Will pointed out that someone who would yell that out their window is probably on meds themselves. Then it didn't seem so funny anymore, but rather kind of pathetic.

So, onward to better things to spend our time on, instead of cheap crack ho's. I would like to recount to you some dialogue from family and friends on my Birthday. These statements either occurred during a conversation, or in a voicemail, or an email.

**********

Our friend Helen, who called to wish me a Happy Birthday: "KEV! Knob (her husband) drank a whole glass of Grey Goose Vodka the other night while we were out with some friends. When we got home, he got in the bathtub and shaved his balls. He must have blacked out because when he woke up the next morning he had forgotten all about it. So, he was PISSED when he realized what he had done. This is all your fault, you know."

I had previously encouraged Knob to groom a little down there, not that I knew from personal knowledge of Knob's knob or the surrounding brush. It's just that when I hear that a guy has NEVER trimmed the bush, I think that it must be a little over-grown or quite possibly out-of-control and is in need of being bush-whacked. I told Helen that not only will the guy have more sensation down there, but the person going "down there" won't have their face mashed in a pile of hair as though they're licking or eating through a wig.

So, I asked her, "Well, did you guys get busy? Yeah? Well, wasn't it nice to not have so much hair in your mouth?"

She agreed. And he'll thank me later. And really, what the hell? Did I hold a gun to his head and declare, "Knob! SHAVE YOUR BALLS!" Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

**********

When my family or friends call me and get my voicemail, even when it's not my Birthday, they usually feel compelled to sing their message due to the fact that I'm singing a slightly perverted song that I made up for my greeting. I know, you're probably real surprised. You can ask Pendullum, she's heard it. Pend? Remember? You said that you were so turned on by my sexy voice that you had to touch yourself. Remember? The fact that it was your elbow that you touched is beside the point, but you still had to touch yourself. You don't remember, do you? You've probably repressed it. It'll come out in therapy.

So, both of my brothers, who happen to be quite macho sang "Happy Birthday" to me. My brother Craig after he finished singing said, "And how do you know I have a big wiener?" That's really nice, isn't it?

What's really cool about my brothers though, is that even though they are masculine men, they're not these guys who have to over compensate for any insecurities like some other "macho" men do in our society. They're demonstrative in their affection for their children and for their other family members as well. And to me, this makes them more "men" because they're secure enough in themselves.

And once a year, on my Birthday, as we're saying our goodbyes, they sneak in an "I love you" as quick as they can. It goes something like this: "Okay Kev, well Happy Birthday! And I'll be talking with you later, buddy...(they begin stalling). Tell Will I said, "Hi" and...(they're still stalling) I hope you have a good Birthday and...(still stalling, but I know it's coming) I just wanted to call you to wish you a Happy Birthday, so okay. Iloveyoubye." Click.

And even though I hang up the phone laughing, I do feel loved.

**********

Our friend Giselle called to:

1. Wish me a Happy Birthday.
2. Tell me that she loves me.
3. And to inform me that she's gone Brazilian and is happy to report that her bald pie doesn't feel like a little girl, but feels more like a "sexy sea nymph".

I wonder if the slutty "sexy sea nymphs" have a problem with crab traps?

**********

Our friend Rich called and left this really loving message: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCH! YOU IS A STUPID BITCH, bitch. That's all I wanted to say, IS YOU IS SOOO STUPID! And I love you, BUT YOU STUPID!!! Bye ho."

That is just so loving and caring. Isn't that really lovely?

**********

Our friend Ken emailed this really sweet wholesome little diddy:

Song 1
Happy birthday to you
your stuffs black and blue
cause you #### it
and you #### it
like 13 year olds do.

Song 2
For he's been with so many fellow's
his face rammed in so many pillows
the boys always leave with great sorrooooooooooooows ...
... like Tina's big fat behind ("Tina" is a male friend of our's)

Like Tina's big fat behind
Like Tina's big fat behind
They're always so glad when he ######### ...
... so much that he's now half blind.

You know that if I have to block some stuff out, it MUST be bad.

**********

My parents called and after they sang to me, my Dad told me how excited he was that their neighbors, who are also friends of theirs' moved and left them a shopping cart. I said, "Dad? What in the hell are you going to do with a shopping cart?" He didn't know, but he was excited about it. And I could tell my poor mother was thrilled.

**********

As the day was winding down to a close, I reminisced upon it. I had taken the dogs for a peaceful hike earlier and then later went to an exceptional dinner at Stella Mare's in Santa Barbara with Will and his folks. I stared a bit into the fire that was roaring in the fireplace at first thinking about how I'd like to throw dog shit in that bitch's hair who just about drove up my hole. But after a really smooth glass of Syrah took the edge off and I looked at Will and his folks smiling at me, eager for me to open my gifts and to enjoy my evening, happy to be with me celebrating my Birthday and I thought about the cards, emails, crazy phone calls and all of your wonderful well-wishes, I felt like the richest man alive. And I felt ready for another year.