HERCULANEUM

So, my mug was in The Cleveland Plain Dealer on Sunday: 'Don't Call Me Fat': How costumer Alison Garrigan makes an actor fat at Cleveland Public TheatreBy Tony Brown, The Plain Dealer Photos by Peggy Turbett, The Plain Dealer

Here's me in my socks looking like a big a-hole.

"Most people try to look thinner.

"Actor Kevin Charnas, who has a runner's build" (I would classify it more as a SUPER-DUPER Rock-Star/Porn-Star/Swimmer's build, but that's just me), "wants to look like a man so obese he can't get out of bed. Which means:

"Fat suit!

"For the world premiere of Turkish playwright Ozen Yula's "Don't Call Me Fat," which opened Saturday night and runs through Saturday, Oct. 30, Cleveland Public Theatre called Alison Garrigan, one of Cleveland's busiest and best resident costumers.

"Charnas spends the 75-minute first act in the suit, lying in bed in a hospital gown (after he spends 15 minutes in the thing before the curtain goes up)." (It's TORTURE, bishes. I could fry an egg on my heaving man chest when intermission finally comes around. Care to join me for some hot breakfast ON MY MAN BODY? Oh, no I dint. Ho, yes I did. And just WHO am I callin' a HO, HO? Oh, no I dint...)

"Then, in Act 2, he is slimmed down to his normal size. (a.k.a. SUPER-DUPER Rock-Star/Porn-Star/Swimmer-With-Hot-Sexy-Fried-Eggs-On-Top. Sorry... I couldn't resist elaborating.) "That means the part couldn't be played by a large actor with a little padding here and there, a la Harvey Fierstein as Edna Turnblad in 'Hairspray.'"

(Which appears to have been more fun and more mobile.)

"The length of time in the suit means it had to be as light (about 20 pounds) and comfy as possible. And his hands and face, his only acting tools besides his voice, had to be free.

"Garrigan, a costume designer for 30 years and an actor-director, had to bring all of her skills to the project.

"Garrigan looked at photographs of morbidly obese people and did sketches before rehearsals started in mid-August.

"After consulting with Yula, who is directing, and taking Charnas' measurements, she made the suit out of high-density upholstery foam (for shape), toy-animal fiberfill (lighter than foam) and lentil beans (for sag).

"She covered it in breathable "peach-skin" fabric, used for dancers and figure skaters whose costumes need a "nude" look.

(You totally want to gnaw on my nips, don't you? Don't lie.)

"Once the suit was built, Garrigan worked with Charnas to fine-tune the fit.

"Garrigan carved out spaces where frozen cold packs could be inserted on the actor's tummy and under his armpits to help him keep cool."

(No "tummy", bishes, we place that ice pack RIGHT ON MY GIANT GREEK PEEP.)

"The last piece of the suit scheduled to go on every night will be the jowls.

"Garrigan will apply pale makeup to Charnas' face and dark circles around his eyes after he is in the suit. "He has to look really unhealthy."

"The actor's supine position and the elevation of the stage meant that Garrigan had to use what artists call "forced perspective," deliberately accentuating some body parts to make up for the audience's viewing angle.

(And you KNOW your stank ass wants to be tappin' that shit!! Dang. Me too. No wonder I spend all of Act 1 in bed. I be touchin' on myself being all like, "Aahhh, yeah... You like that, Kevie-Wevie? Huh? Do you?? You FINE, bish! Sheeiiitttt..." *SLAP! And SSQQUUEEEZZE...* Or something along those lines.)

"The finished product is never, it seems, really finished.

"In the technical-rehearsal photo, Charnas wears a bathrobe. But the next night, Yula decided to go with the hospital gown, which meant more adjustments.

"Which is OK with Garrigan. "It's been really interesting to take that kind of athletic body and turn it into the absolute opposite. And the hands-on work was not unpleasant at all, if you know what I mean."

I think that means she was feeling me up the whole time. I'm going to have to send her a bill. That shit's not free. At least not yet.

Okay, so I KNEW "Edna Turnblad". "Edna Turnblad" was a friend of mine. And I, sir and madame, am no Edna Turnblad. But, let me tell you how much fun it is to dance in that thing while Ozen SINGS "I Will Survive" to me in Turkish.

Because even though I don't know Turkish, I know that song (it's a pre-requisite to be gay - Headquarters says so - I think it's programmed in at birth). So, I get to mime and do some seriously fancy moves all while wearing a fat suit. It's some fricking money right there, BISHES!! That's what happens when bodies start slappin'.

Move over, Gloria Gaynor, Ajda Pekkan's in town!

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