OOhh Raaasssppberries, Dickie!!

A toast to our favorite, dashing correspondent in D.C., Dickie! It's his Birfday, y'all. Happy Birfday, Dickie!! Oh Raassspberries!

Dickie, I thought I'd do a special, commemorative post for your Birthday with the fantastic, unstoppable, dynamic, jaazzz baby, Carol Channing! I just have this feeling that you might appreciate it.

And who couldn't adore her tenacity? I mean, really... LOOK AT HER!! SHE. IS ONE. CRAZY-ASS BISH. Like I never did see...

And I love her. And I think that I may have channeled her once or twice...

In fact, I think I want to spank her bottom.

So, speaking of spanking bottoms! Today is your Birfday. And we should recollect...

Do you remember one of the many times when you and me and Ken were driving down Lake Avenue (if you can call it "driving") and we were talking and laughing and mowing down pedestrians and babies in strollers and never spilling our drinks as we did so? Yeah? Well, do you remember when we were talking about our childhoods, one of you guys sparked a memory and I yelled out in all seriousness, "HEY YOU GUYS, THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME WHEN MY FATHER CAUGHT OUR HOUSE OF FIRE!!" ???

Or... What about the time when you and Ken insisted (against my wishes, of course) I wear that skimpy Mariachi boy's outfit with the Lycra pants that were tighter than my skin with the red, orange and yellow ruffles, and the tight little bolero jacket with matching ruffles on the sleeves and no shirt underneath it?

It was Halloween, and we went to a crowded bar where you guys MADE me enter the costume contest (again, OBVIOUSLY totally against my wishes). When I went up on stage in front of 500+ people, the entire crowd became silent...

They were in awe of my hot, man-heaving Mariachi-ness, of course.

And WHOSE voice broke the stillness of the moment of the sexual tension in the air, for people had never witnessed such beauty??

Yours.

When you yelled from across the bar with a cigarette dripping from your lips and a slight slur, "GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU WHORE!!"

Following it with uncontrollable cackling.

THEN, as we walked to the car, my skulking away from the incredibly embarrassing scene that had just happened in the bar with the public announcement loud enough for the hearing-impaired that I was indeed a "whore", I was ranting and raving, "I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN ALL MY LIFE!!" While you and Ken just kept slurring, "You're a stupid whore... You're a stupid whore... And now the whole world knows about it." When, what do our wondering ears should hear, but a raspy voice behind us declare, "You think YOU'RE EMBARRASSED?? WHAT ABOUT US!!" And there, skulking away in the night themselves were two grown men

dressed as Teletubbies.

None of us could breathe from laughing so hard. And as they drove away in their little Yugo, leaving us holding one another up, it was all I could muster to scream, "LOOK!!" And their "antennas" were sticking out of the sunroof. If we weren't laid out before in uncontrollable fits of laughter, we were after that. And that scene will hopefully be one of the last ones I ever forget. It was like a gift from heaven.

Damn it, I miss those days.

Happy Birthday Dickie. I hope it's as grand as you are.