The Vagina Dialogues

So, you guys probably know that really bizarre, rather inappropriate things run through my mind on a regular basis, huh? Mainly during ALL my waking hours. I don't really need to tell you this, right?

And sometimes, it's not even that I just have bizarre thoughts without dialogue... I mean, I do that too, but often I think that the bizarre thoughts occur BECAUSE of the dialogue. As though, the twisted banter that ensues is the obvious result of the dialogue.

So, see? The F-ed up things I say would NEVER happen if it weren't for the pending dialogue that brings them about.

Basically, I'm trying to make myself feel better for saying CRAZY SHIT out loud.

Well anyway, the other night... some crazy shit was said out loud. And now, I'm going to share it with you...

Most of you know our kids; Wednesday and Gomez.

Wednesday's the crazy biattcch (appropriately, because she actually IS a female dog) on the left in the disarming Sundress. And Gomez is the handsome devil in the jean jacket on the right.

Well, Wednesday had hurt herself earlier in the evening when she jumped down off the bed and pulled a muscle in her left leg. So, she was limping all over the place while I watched in horror, feeling so awful for her, that I was doing the gay gasp everytime she limped around a corner, practically throwing myself down at her feet in tears.

THEN, that same night, we were giving our new great friend and neighbor, Samantha, a tour of our new home before having dinner and Gomez accidentally got shut in the fruit cellar down in the basement and was in there for 3 hours. When we finally found him after searching high and low, out of desperation, he had demolished a cardboard box by chewing the living shit out of it. ("RARARARARARA... I'll show them fuckers... Shut me up in this piece of shit fruit cellar... RARARARARARARARAA... Stupid fuckin' box ain't so bad! YOU STUPID BOX! YOU AIN'T SO BAD!!") He shredded it.

SO AGAIN, I was doing the gay gasp left and right and practically falling at his feet in tears because I felt so badly about him being locked in there. I felt SO unworthy of their love and devotion... WHAT A FAILURE I am as their human companion. We don't deserve their love. I DON'T, damn it!!

The whole scene was very dramatic.

So, as we were going to bed that night, I kept hugging and kissing on the dogs, smothering them with my love and affection. I was practically nursing them with my nipples.

And this is how the conversation between Will and myself ensued.

Me to Will, "They're my babies, Will! They're my babies!"

And Will obligatorily replied, "Yeah... They're your babies..."

And I continued, "They're my BABIES! And they came out of my vagina!"

(I know... You don't have to say it.)

And Will replied, "Yeah... They fell out of your vagina."

Well, I don't have to tell you that this was just crossing the line. So, I corrected him, "They didn't FALL out of my vagina, Will."

And Will continued, "They FELL out of your stretched out vagina."

And then, I started yelling... as though any of this were an actual possibility, "MY VAGINA IS NOT STRETCHED OUT, WILL! THEY DIDN'T FALL OUT OF MY VAGINA!! THEY CAME OUT. THEY DIDN'T FALL OUT. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!!"

And Will replied all exasperated, "OKAY! OKAY! JESUS CHRIST!! They didn't FALL OUT!"

-- And appropriately, there was a pregnant pause --

And he continued, "They dropped out."

And I screamed my reply, which mainly only dogs and mice could hear, "THEY DIDN'T DROP OUT EITHER, WILL!! GOD, DAMN IT!!"