Phelps Phan And Chipped Chopped Ham

Okay, so I'm back. And much to your dismay, YOU GUYS ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!! Because I have a lot to catch up on and you're just in trouble, that's all. That's all there is to it.

So, I have ranting and raving to do. And important posts about ping pong balls and off-shore drilling and pee-pee on our couch and John McCain's disgusting thatch of ancient pubic hair.

And I PROMISE that I'll be posting pics of our wedding. So, some of you can quit with the death threats in the emails, okay? Mom...

The truth is, I actually just started looking at the pics the other day. And call me silly and vain, but I'm just not that excited to post pics of myself when my coloring looks like stale lunch meat.

My gray pin-stripped suit with striking blue shirt and tie and black wing-tips? Stunning. Without my face present, you would've been blinded by my beauty.

However, the hue emanating from my tear-streaked face? 15 day old chipped chopped ham. And you're going to wish that you were blinded.

So, while I'm trying to get my shizz together and get over myself, let us bask in the glow of

Michael Phelps, one of my next husbands.

And I'm not sure if I can adequately express to you HOW MUCH I love this commercial.