Therapy And Mexican Food

So, Will and I have been going to a counselor for almost 5 weeks now.

It's not that we're in dire straits or anything like that. But, over the years, we've gotten into some bad habits and we could use some help in the way we communicate...or in the way, we don't communicate.

Being a former social worker, I'm aware that as is often the case, by the time a couple goes to counseling, it's too late. They're seeing the counselor at the same time that they're seeing an attorney. There's too much tension that's been built up by then and it often is beyond salvage.

And we care way too much about our relationship to let it get to that point.

We also have some friends that see a counselor about once a month for maintenance. And for them, it's like an oil change, or a tune-up. Which brings me to a statement that a good friend, who is also a former counselor, said to me recently when she heard we were in therapy.

I told her that it wasn't that we were fighting more than usual, or that I was staring at that area of the garden again out back that seemed like a great place to bury a body, but that we wished to transform our relationship and bring it to a new level...(to stop screaming at one another).

And she replied, "Most people take better care of their cars then they do their relationships."

And she's right.

So, there we have it. We're in counseling. And so far, it's a little messy, but over-all, easier then we thought. Will and I don't have big problems, unless you count our oversized genitalia. So, we have noticed that our arguments are taking the form of talks. And it really does seem like we're meeting in a place outside ourselves, rather than in the heat of a self-centered opinion.

Well, anyway, the other day after one of our appointments, we were driving away, down this beautiful hill with the sun glistening off the ocean and the bright bougainvillea cascading over fences and the trees swaying in the breeze and I felt encouraged about our session and our future together. So, I asked Will, "Well, what do you think? How do you feel about today?"

And he replied, "All I could think about were Enchiladas."

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I recently read through "Fair Fight Guidelines". And I hope that you don't mind, but I've taken the liberty below to highlight and comment on some of my favorites from the article.

If you're interested in seeing the article in its entirety you may do that here: Fair Fight Guidelines

* "Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong."

Bish, WHAT? And what the hell is wrong with reaching a solution, winning, being right AND making your partner wrong??? I want it all, bish.

* "Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking."

Bish, WHAT? So, you just basically want me to ignore how clairvoyant I am?? Speaking of which, I just read your mind and it was blank.

* "Don't bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together."

Bish, WHAT? Like I said, BLANK.

* "Don't talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that."

Bish, ARE YOU CALLING MY BISH RETARDED?? 'CAUSE IF SO, NO ONE CALLS HIM RETARDED EXCEPT ME, HO!! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!

* "Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options."

That's cute.

* "Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner's need to solve a problem."

Yawn.

* "Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her."

As in, "I FUCKING HEAR YOU! I STILL SAY, NO!!" See? Simple.

* "State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use "I messages" and "please"."

As in, "PLEASE, stop being a fucker." See? A very kind request.

* "Don't use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits."

Well, that's just perfect, lady...Why don't you just harvest my organs too.

* "Know your facts: If you're going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you."

"Research"??? Bish, shut up.

* "Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?""

Again, you just want me to waste this clairvoyance thing, don't you?

* "Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you're partners."

We ALREADY hold hands. To keep from hitting each other.

* "If you're angry, express it calmly. "I'm angry about ..." There's no need for drama, and it won't get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion -- rage is phony, it's drama created by not taking care of yourself."

Bish, "rage" IS the new black. Do you know NOTHING?? B-L-A-N-K.

* "Acknowledge and honor your partner's feelings -- don't deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They're only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored."

Only feelings. ONLY feelings?? Bish, I hope you like the taste of dirt.

* "Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. "So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?""

Yep. That's pretty much it, fucker.

* "No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem."

You just take the fun out of everything, don't you? You just take the spike right out of the punch, huh? B-O-R-I-N-G.

* "If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don't direct it personally at anyone. You can't vent and solve problems at the same time."

I find that setting random fires helps. The neighbors don't appreciate it. But, really...I mean, when it comes down to it, what's more important? Your relationship or your neighbor's home? See? The neighbor's home can be replaced.

* "Don't try to solve a problem if you're impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable."

So, basically, don't try to solve a problem when I'm AWAKE?

* "Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow."

Taking "responsibility"? NOW we're getting somewhere...