Puckered Sphincter

in

Anonymous said...

"I think you all need to find some better ways to entertian yourselves!"

(Their spelling, not mine. And even an exclamation point!)

It was in reference to this post. And unless "Anonymous" knows that Kevin Charnas actually consists of no less than 16 highly deranged individuals, then I think "you all" is in reference not just to myself, but also to my wonderful fellow bloggers and contributors.

If not? My bad.

I'm feeling philanthropic today and have taken the time to assemble a shopping list for the bravest of the brave, "Anonymous". Which, with the familiarity of such individuals, I'm going to nickname you - "Mous", you don't have to thank me. It's okay, really.

Okay, so I think the shopping list should begin with this:

Notice that it's "Maximum Strength". And if you're really constipated? And I have a feeling that you just might be, then let me suggest this:

That should do the trick. Well, it will be a good start anyway. Just warn your neighbors that they're going to need helmets.

Second on the list is a vibrator. And not the kind that you have to plug in, 'cause sweetheart? You'd no doubt cause a blackout in the city in which you dwell (at least if you used it correctly). And we don't want that.

I was going to post a picture of a vibrator, but they were all kind of severe. Aren't there any nice, simple puritan models out there? Anyway, I'm going to suggest the environmentally/economically friendly kind. This:

And it keeps cool liquids cool, and hot liquids hot! Nifty, huh? Who knew? So many uses.

I may be mistaken, but I have a feeling that you might need something a little bit stronger. So, let's go with the Briggs and Stratton model.

See if you can find a hybrid model, that way you'll be cutting CO2 emissions. Sears usually has a good warranty policy. (Just for the record, by suggesting a vibrator, I am not in anyway implying that "Mous" is a female. I know plenty of men that could use a good vibrator.)

And third on the list is this:

And if you don't want to purchase a lovely dictionary? Try dictionary.com, it's really rather something it is...And if you'd like to get fancy, try thesaurus.com, AND THEY'RE FREE!! Pardon my exuberance.

If all else fails, try something called "Spell Check".

It's "entertAIn", dipshit, not "entertian". May I also suggest graduating from 6th grade.

Another thing to add to the shopping list is this:

Your comment was on a post that is almost 3 months old. If you're going to get all brave on us, Anonymous, get with the program and do it in real time.

So, I've taken your advice and found something other than smashed balls and labia to enterTAIN myself with; you. Although, I have to admit, you're not nearly as stimulating.

Now, hopefully, you'll take my advice and get busy on that shopping list. Trust me, you'll be doing everyone a favor.