Ticking Letter Balm — HERCULANEUM

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to inquire about the position of Life Coach that was recently advertised in the classifieds. I am a former counselor/social worker and hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from Kent State University.

I have had the opportunity to work in very diverse settings over the last 18 years, which in combination with my life experience has greatly enhanced my communication skills. I am an extremely conscientious and diligent being. And my level for empathy vastly increased when I faced my own mortality 6 years ago. I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that proves fatal if not caught and treated in time. Although suffering extensive liver damage, I was one of the lucky ones. The medical condition was a gift to me. I cannot imagine who I would be without it. I am better and stronger because of it. I have fully recovered and the light that I had before pales in comparison to what shines now. This experience has burrowed a deep well full of respect and understanding for others and I seize every opportunity I can to truly, truly acknowledge others.

I feel that I would be an asset of peace to your organization and look forward to your reply at your earliest convenience. Thank you for your time and consideration…wait…you know what? Fuck all that shit. Hold on while I barf a minute…okay, all done. That’s all crap…well, mostly crap. Yeah, yeah, disease-learn-learn-gasp for air, blah, blah, blah. It’s all true, but not all the time.

Let me get real. There are many times when I laugh my ass off. And there are many times when I would like to kick other people’s asses off. I get sad and depressed and angry and hurt. I wish that I could laugh a lot more. And I wish that I could cry a lot more too. I bet it’d feel good. There are many times when I love being alive and sometimes, more than I’d like, I wouldn’t care if I were dead – or so I think in the moment. I make a lot of fun of myself, and I make a lot of fun of everyone else too. No one is that important to be above making fun of. I don’t care if it’s the way they talk, or the way they walk, people are funny and deserve to be made fun of. If you’re going to have the courage to walk out of the house, you’re fair game. And you know what? If you stay in the house, you’re fair game. I’m not above any thing; I’ve made fun of dead people for Christ’s sake. Some of the hardest times I’ve laughed have been at funerals. And if you think I’m sick? Fuck off. I don’t give a shit what you think.

Most of the time I’m nice, sometimes I’m not. If I smile at you and you don’t smile back, I’m liable to tell you you’re a piece of shit. But, that’s probably why you’re not smiling in the first place. I just may decide to let you know, in case you don't. Smile for god’s sake. If I say “Hi” and you don’t reply? Just know that mentally I’m sticking my fist in your mouth and pulling your hair. Let’s hope that it’s just mentally. Do I sound angry? Just honest, that’s all and I’m not apologizing for it. And if you start doing something stupid on the freeway to me? Like getting pissed because you’re late and I’m driving too slow? Go to hell, it’s your fault that you’re late. Leave earlier next time you stupid piece of crap. And if I hold the door open for you to walk through? Say “Thank you”, I’m not your servant – I didn’t have to hold that goddamn door open. And if I am your servant? You still should say “Thank you”, you ungrateful, arrogant ass-wipe. Who do you think you are? I don’t give a rat’s ass WHAT’S going on in your life, be nice. I don’t care how much money you have or don’t have, be nice. It’s not that hard. And if you’re not? Just know that I’m a time bomb and one of these days I’m probably going to kill someone…it might just be you. I wouldn’t kill a nice person. So, if you have too, be nice out of fear, I don’t care what it takes, fuck-face. Just do it.

So, in conclusion, I think that I’d make a great Life Coach. And if you're a jackass? Let's hope that I won't make a great Death Squad. If you’d prefer a load of bullshit, which I'm guessing that if this letter applies to you, then you do, please by-pass the attached resume, bite me and go find someone else.

Sincerely,

Josephine Had-It