Kevin Charnas dies at 150 years old. Poet, writer, philosopher, kick-ass peace activist and former President of the United States of North and South America and West Asia (2038 to 2046 A.D.) died today when Lucy, the beloved elephant that he had befriended during the White House years and was riding at the time, jack-knifed while tripping over President Charnas's penis. The elephant (Lucy) sustained only minor injuries, but died just a few hours later of a broken heart while in intensive care at Babar Memorial in Nairobi. Doctors said that she was never going to forgive herself for crushing her friend of 80+ years, even though it was the President's fault for not wanting to stop for a wee while on their way to the peace talks in the Sudan.
The President's body was virtually unrecognizable, but rather took on the form of a whale booger. Although, with his insistence on forgoing any cosmetic surgery as he aged, he actually began to resemble a whale booger about 30 years prior to his death.
Kevin, or "Kev" (as his friends preferred to call him) was probably best known for the ability to make an ass of himself with unprecedented proficiency, linking him with most past Presidents. However, this is where the path diverges. Kevin is also well known for being the first known gay President, bringing white gloves and pillbox hats back into the Oval Office, as well as being the catalyst for a complete global disarmament. He was even able to convince The Soprano's into giving up their guns and the Vatican into cancelling the guilt trip. Thus the responsibility of the entire world's supply of weapons has been given to Ms. Oprah Winfrey (165 of Chicago, Illinois) for safe-keeping. While Ms. Martha Stewart (173 of Turkey Hill, Connecticut) has taken it upon herself to transform the remainder of the global community's guilt into some remarkable holiday ornaments. Both women, dear friends of President Charnas, were too consumed by grief for comment.
Kevin is known for many things, but knowing himself to be an extraordinary idiot, he always wished for people to know that he tried.
He is survived by his adored husband of 117 years, world renowned master artist, William Bezek (a.k.a. the 2nd Michelangelo), 18 of their 20 adopted children, 83 adopted grandchildren, 336 adopted great grandchildren, 1344 adopted great great grandchildren and 10 dogs.
He will be missed, but at least he tried.
**I wrote this a little while ago, where it was previously posted over at YOU DIED and I have to say, that it was a LOT of fun and oddly liberating to write. Almost as much fun and liberating as watching a grown man naked flee his BURNING apartment building on a ladder precariously HIGH up in the air only to find his ass, literally, posted over at MollyMcMommy's. So, what are you waiting for??? Keep your underwear on, grab a beer, scratch your ass, go and snort some sassafras and submit your own obituary for Christ's sake! Do it while you still have the chance! And if not? Well, then...okay, be that way...leave it up to us to say! Bleh!**
***Image: compliments of William Bezek***