HERCULANEUM

Actually, what really cracks me up isn't the possible, sobering reality of the cartoon, but that the cartoonist is a Mr. "Randy Bish". Randy Bish... RANDY BISH!! SHUT. UP. COULDN'T YOU DIE???

I. Could. Just. DIE.!

For the yanks that don't know this, "randy" is another term for "horny". "Do I make you randy, baby? Do I? Yeah! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!!"

And "bish"? Well, that's our signature term here at Herculaneum or kevincharnas.com or whatever the hell we call this place. It's our term of endearment for each other, RIGHT, BISHES??

So, yeah... There we have it. Ladies and Gentleman, it IS truly my pleasure to introduce Mr. "Randy Bish". YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!

Suddenly, I want to change my name.

"Kevin Charnas" is fine... It certainly describes my ethnicity. I'm half Irish and half Greek. But, the name itself isn't exactly... tantalizing. Kevin... Charnas... The name by itself isn't going to blow anyone's panties off. You've got to know me for that to happen. (And even after you know me, I will most likely have to roofie you, like I do all the others, and while you're passed out, rip your panties off and throw them outside, so the event is really null and void and not related to my name in the least, just my character.) Let's just say my name is CERTAINLY no "Randy Bish". And that one is obviously already taken anyway, damn it, so I can't change it to that. Okay. Let's see. Maybe... Maybe, "Harold Cooter". And of course, everyone would call me "Harry". And that'd be cool when I'm paged.

"Paging Mister Harry Cooter, Mister Harry Cooter... Your table is ready."

Or, "Mr. Harry Cooter, Mr. Harry Cooter, please pick up the white courtesy phone and dial 69, there's an important message for you..."

Or... Maybe... "Hortense Testaqles"?

No, that's just stupid. No one's going to call me, "Horn Balls". Now I'm just getting silly.

Or, maybe "HAROLD Testaqles"!

"Mr. Harry Testaqles, Mr. Harry Testaqles... Please meet your party in the lobby."

Or, "Mr. Harry Testaqles? Would you like a window seat?"

(What hairy testicles DON'T want a window seat? I know mine do...)

Or, how about "Fanny" something or other... And it would REALLY catch people off-guard 'cause I'm a dude! Like, "Fanny Likesaspankin"?

"Miss Fanny Likesaspankin, Miss Fanny Likesaspankin, your seat is now ready..."

And I would waltz up and say, "It certainly is..."

And she'd blush and would be all embarrassed, "Oh, my apologies, sir. You're a dude..."

And I'd raise one eyebrow and reply, "Why, I certainly am. Now, what are we going to do about that 'seat'? Meeoow..."

Maybe we'll just go back to "Harry Cooter". Or, "Harold Randolph Cooter"! And all the friends who love me that I don't have to roofie - and hell, even the ones I do - would call me "Harry RANDY Cooter"! That's still possible, yes? Okay, so that's not going to blow anyone's panties off either, but it's fun, right? And then it just makes "Randy Bish" seem boring. Although, his is for reals... And then I just look desperate.

"Excuse me, excuse me. May I have your attention please... Would Mr. Kevin Charnas, Mr. Kevin Charnas (*yawn*), please report to the nearest psychiatrist. Your straight-jacket is now ready. And I wish you'd stop making me make all these stupid announcements."

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