HERCULANEUM

So, Will and I actually slept at a truck stop Sunday night in Kentucky.

WE SLEPT AT A TRUCK STOP IN KENTUCKY, BISHES.

And lived to talk about it.

I know, I know... I'm usually just there to work the bathrooms.

So, I shall tell you about our last two weeks, but until then, I need to start somewhere.

Every year it seems, Will and I have tons of airline miles that are always on the verge of expiration and I don't even really know where they come from... It's not like we're jet-setters, 'cause we're not. But, they send a form saying they're going to expire and the only thing we can exchange them for are some BLASTED magazine subscriptions.

Some magazine choices are great. Like The Economist, for instance. A truly great publication that brings me up to date weekly on everything global and I only want to hang myself 75% of the time after I'm finished reading it.

Well, years ago we marked "Harper's Bazaar". Okay... I marked "Harper's Bazaar". No "we" about it. I used to think that Harper's Bazaar was a good magazine.

That must have been back in the 40's or something because it sucks and now they won't stop delivering it to us. It's just full of over photo-shopped ads where people's skin looks like a dull plastic and they're actually missing body parts.

The subscription was supposed to have ended at least 2 years ago and they won't stop. We just give it to our female friends, but they don't even want it. And the paper is too shiny and slick to use to wipe my ass, so we just throw it right in the recycling where hopefully it's destined to become a toothbrush or a park bench. You know, something useful.

Well, THIS month's came and it's Demi Moore looking oddly younger than she did 20 years ago, letting a giraffe smell her hand after it's been tucked in her crack for hours.

Curiously, they didn't show the photo of what happened next to the poor giraffe, which is exclusive here at www.kevincharnas.com

Yeah. Demi had apparently been out with Ashton the night before eating too many burritos.

Okay, but I didn't start this to just talk about Demi's dirty bottom. But rather what she's teetering on.

She's standing on those fricking GOD AWFUL clog/boot/shoe/mongo/hoppers.

They're ridiculous.

What the hell is with these shoes??

Yes. I know they're "McQueen's" and he's dead and everything, but I don't care. They're hideous. And what a humiliating end to an incredible creature like the python. They're made out of python. A mighty creature turned into junk.

And besides, do Demi's feet NEED covering up?

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