A Day To Nuzzle
My brother said that my niece wanted to speak with me. I said, "Yes, of course...", with trepidation lurking behind my tongue.
She got on the phone and when I asked her how she was doing, she started to cry...
We talked for a little bit and then she handed the phone back to my brother. He told me what floor they were on at the hospital. He told me which building it was. And he told me the room number.
He didn't ask me to come, but I don't think he told me those things for conversation's sake.
I wasn't sure if I should go or not. She was dying, after all. And I just didn't know if it was my place to be there. The last thing I wanted to do was intrude on such a moment.
My brother's mother-in-law. She was the one dying. Unconscious and dying. My nephews' and nieces' other grandmother. It had happened quite suddenly.
I had known her since I was ten years old. She was an amazing force to be reckoned with. A bright light that will continue to shine brightly for quite some time.
It was around 9:30 at night and I had already had a long day at the theatre. But, sometimes there are just things we ought to do. Things we must do.
So, I drove to the hospital. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know where to park or really where the building was... And at that hour, even a hospital seems to turn into a ghost town.
But, I found my way. I walked around this corner and that corner. I walked where there weren't sidewalks and went into doors locked on the outside, yet someone was conveniently leaving as I was entering. I walked through empty hallways and had an abundance of elevators to chose from. And taking deep breaths the entire time, wanting to just curl up in bed and pretend that life wasn't happening, I found my way.
When I walked into the visitor's lounge on the floor, my nieces, with tired eyes and tousled heads ran to me. They hugged my waist hard, as they just come to slightly above it. I held them and buried my face into their hair and I breathed them in. I nuzzled their heads and remembered how important nuzzling is... And reminded myself to do it more often.
I kissed their heads and pulled them tighter to me. I told them that I loved them. I told them that she loved them. And that she knew they loved her too. They cried and asked, "WHY?? WHY HER??"
Why anyone..., I thought.
I then hugged my brother, my nephews, another niece, my sister-in-law, her father... and then, her mother. When my sister--in-law saw me, we hugged and we cried. She whisked me into the room where her mother was lying, dying, and said, "Kev... she always loved you. She always meant it." And then, she pulled back the covers to reveal her mother's right hand. She said, "Look. Look how beautiful her hand is..."
And it was. It looked perfect, in fact. And my very young nephew, who happens to be very wise, kissed that hand with abandonment. I touched that perfect hand, that my sister-in-law was so desperate to show me. So desperate to know that in what seems to be horrific, there is still beauty. That her mother is still beautiful.
And she was.
The days that followed were heart breaking. My mother cried a lot, as did my brother's family... His mother-in-law lived a full life, yes. But, it just always seems too soon. I could barely bring myself to keep eye contact with her husband of 55 years. I did though. I moved beyond my own frightened self and hugged him hard, while collapsing inside.
In the wake of the event, my nieces asked me "Why?" many times. And my mother even asked me if I thought there was a heaven...
Such questions in those moments often leave me paralyzed. In other moments, at casual times, my answers would be free-flowing and forth-coming. Not really answers, but opinions. I believe that our views and beliefs are very personal, each individual having a unique relationship with whatever they deem to be next. Even if that's nothing at all. But, in a moment like this... Well, ... ... I felt frozen.
I tried to express myself with as much love and tenderness as I could muster. Hoping that the words didn't confuse, but that they would warm and embrace their aches.
I said that I think of death as continuation... life in another form. That like water, when water evaporates from a lake, it becomes vapor and then clouds. Only to become rain again, which then becomes another lake, or pond, flowing creek or river, or nourishment for flowers and trees, which in-turn, becomes sustenance for birds and for bees and... continuation in actuality. The water never ceases to exist, it just changes form.
And not unlike a wave of an ocean, it's clear to see as it's rolling to shore. It's distinctive in its shape and form. And after it breaks upon the shore, it's not that the wave ceases to exist. But rather, it becomes part of the ocean again...
I said that there is no such thing as "nothing". "Nothing", even on a scientific scale, is impossible. There's always something.
I don't know if this helped any of those that I love so much... I hope it did...
One thing that always arises for me out of the tragedy of death, is the reminder of what's truly important. It reminds me that for the moment, in this form, I'm still breathing.
So today, in the States, we're celebrating "Thanksgiving". And I feel very grateful for many things.
I feel unbelievably grateful for Will, for our pups, our loud messy birds and our home. I feel unbelievably grateful for our families, our dear friends, our neighbors. For never really knowing what hunger is. For the brisk November air outside that reminds me that I'm alive. For that blue sky and dark clouds, so that I may know the difference. For poetry and art and music and the ability to LAUGH and cry... So, that I may know the difference. I'm grateful for my life and all who are in it, far from perfect, but yet perfect.
And I'm grateful for you. For coming here and spending a little time with me. I hope, in-between my ranting and raving, I hope that I ease a few minutes of your day... But, I'm grateful for you coming here nonetheless. You help give me reason. To be. To be, before I break upon that shore and go and play with the ocean once more...
So, thank you. And Happy Thanksgiving, no matter where or who you are.
Oh, and don't forget, to maybe nuzzle those you love. And hell, maybe even those you don't...
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