HERCULANEUM

In the last few weeks, I've had more rejections than the Vatican at a Day Care Center.

I know. That's A LOT.

So the other day, I found myself just staring into the pond, mesmerized by the fish swimming about. It was like they had me in a trance and I was stupefied.

I stared to the point where I almost began drooling on myself.

I often wish I could make money staring and procrastinating. I'm SO FRICKING GOOD at both of them, DAMN IT! I know that it SEEMS these would go hand-in-hand, but that's not always the case.

I'm a double threat. (And if I could add drooling, I'd be a triple threat!)

I can just see it now. I overhear the assistant while I'm sitting out front waiting for my interview/audition, "Kevin Charnas is here to see you. HE'S the one that's really good at staring AND procrastinating... ... I KNOW, SIR! It's pretty unbelievable. I'll send him right in. And try not to be intimidated, sir... because he's also really hot too and appears to have a super, smokin' rock-star/porn-star ass. But, he also seems really nice and approachable. Good luck, sir!"

He comes out and starts to slightly tremble before he talks to me, "Hi... Kevin? You can go on in... It's really a pleasure to meet you."

I smile and shake his hand, thanking him. I go ahead, slightly dazed with power, and wink at him. His panties pop off under his trousers unbeknownst to me or the room full of people. As I walk into the room for my interview, I turn to close the door and see the assistant (now pantie-less) slack-jawed mesmerized by my super, smokin' rock-star/porn-star ass. I wink again and his bra pops off and his knees start to give way.

As I walk into the interview/audition with "Sir". It appears as though he's searching for ground momentarily. He regains his composure rather quickly, to his credit, and says, "So... Mr. Charnas. It says here that you're proficient in staring AND procrastinating. Wow. That's quite a claim."

And I just look at him with a rather prolonged gaze and wait to reply, demonstrating my brilliant traits. Because really, there's no influence like an example, right? Am I right? So, after he starts to break a sweat and tug at his collar, I nonchalantly reply, "Well, that's what they say."

God. No wonder I keep getting rejections.

So, the other day, after repeatedly being smacked down, I was staring into the pond feeling dejected and looking baked.

I thought, we should make this legitimate and I should actually GET baked.

So, I did.

I got high for the first time in I don't know how long. It had been AT LEAST 3 days.

NO! I'm kidding.

Maybe more like 4 days.

NO! I'm kidding again.

Okay, 5.

HA! Okay, okay... Seriously. I hadn't smoked in probably 2 years.

So, I puffed and I puffed and I blew my brains gone.

And then, I had a reason to just stare. But now, I was giggling too, so that part was cool.

The gold finches were flying and landing on the cone flowers and I'd giggle.

Then, the butterflies were landing on the butterfly bushes and getting drunk on its nectar and I'd giggle.

And then, the dogs were rambunctious and frolicking and I'd giggle... Actually, I was guffawing at this point.

I'm certain that I looked retarded. But, I didn't care. I never care that I look retarded.

Then, I forgot I was outside and it was dark. And I actually was retarded.

So, I went INside, which felt as though it took me 10 minutes to walk 20 feet into the house. So, I walked into the Kitchen where Will was slaving away on dinner. And I forgot that I was staring at him when he stopped what he was doing and inquired, "Are you high?"

And I just looked at him with a rather prolonged gaze and waited to reply, demonstrating my brilliant traits of staring and procrastination. Because really, there's no influence like an example, right? Actually, I was just trying to get the words from my brain to my mouth, which felt like it took another 10 minutes and replied, "I think so. I forgot I was outside."

He just went back to cooking and I went back to staring at him eventually forgetting that I was staring at him again until he broke my reverie by getting all exasperated and handing me a big box of graham crackers. Which was like fucking gold.

I ran off into the other room like I was a hound-dog that just received a T-bone steak and proceeded to devour the graham crackers to the point of choking. So, what did I use to wash down the graham crackers that I was choking on you ask? More graham crackers of course!

All I cared about at that moment were those graham crackers. And at that moment, that's all I should've cared about. The rejections were over with. Done. Finished. Sayonara, motherfuckers!

And even though I was "baked", it burned away the crap, it reminded me that if I get too bogged down by what happened yesterday, or last week, or 10 years ago, I'm missing right now. I missing what's right in front of me.

And really, that's all we've got.

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