Nerve — HERCULANEUM

Gay marriage and the pending, total annihilation of a civilization as we are aware of it.

Run for the hills!!! We’re GAY! Grab your cheap moisturizer ‘cause we’re going to throw it out! Grab your children ‘cause we’ll probably dress them appropriately (in tube tops, mini-skirts and roller skates, obviously)! Don’t forget the kitchen sink, ‘cause we’ll just end up installing something cool. And not only all of this? But we want to commit to each other, and want to be entitled to every other right that every other United States American is entitled to.

Ohmigoshee…I said it…didn’t I? Well, you know what that means don’t you? Complete and utter chaos (or is it udder chaos? A clashing of cows teats? Milk flying everywhere! Calcium catastrophe!). That’s right folks, the desecration of society as we know it! To proclaim our love and commitment to one another in front of our peers no less?! Heathens we are!!! Hell bound we are!!! We’re all devils incarnate!

Maybe…but actually, I find that the more people that I meet, the less I want to go to Heaven…I won’t know ANYONE! And we already know that a good amount of catholic priests (good as in ‘quantity’, not ‘quality’) are going to be working the gate down south. So, conveniently we’ll be able to confess our sins to child molesters as we’re entering the gates of Lucifer and give a small ten to twenty percent donation. And in the event that you are entering hell with your child, make sure to keep him/her close and apply your oxygen mask first, and bring snacks because they only provide some burnt crackers (from what I hear, Satan doesn’t even provide bottled water! Can you imagine? No bottled water? That’s hell itself!). But really, back to how we’re sending our extremely civilized United States of American Society to Hell in a handbasket (and what kind of handbasket are we talking about? Luis Vuitton? Prada? Kate Spade? And are there shoulder straps or is it a clutch? Is it appropriate for eveningwear?); and how across the country, buses full of innocent civilians will spontaneously explode, as will hospitals, nursing homes and yoga studios. Bill O’Reilly will implode for those interested (date and time to be announced). Refrigerators everywhere will cease to function properly. Instead they will bake their own contents, wheelchairs will concurrently jackknife, gravity will fail to work on people who are on low-carb diets as well as urine, thus causing pee-pee to spray upwards no matter what - this should make for interesting sunsets. All prosthetics will synchronously melt and somehow reattach themselves to people’s foreheads (I know, I know it sounds bizarre, don’t kill the messenger) from Joan Rivers’ face to Britney Spears’ boobs to Donald Rumsfeld’s penile implant (or was it John Ashcroft’s gallbladder or something with his pancreas? Pancreas, penis, I always get those two mixed up). Condoleezza Rice will find out she’s part black (the woman, not the oil tanker), drunks will become more drunk, crack addicts will want more crack, and yes
crack is whack. Once you’ve had crack you never go back. Virgins will all simultaneously (depending on the position of Mars, Jupiter and Tom Jones) become non-virgins, thus qualifying as sluts, I suppose. Incidentally, there will be no age discrimination in this phenomenon. As soon as babies are born they will cease to be virgins. Don’t ask me, I just work here.

Of course, this is to say nothing of the destruction of heterosexual marriages from sea to oil-slicked sea. Fifty years or fifty hours…doesn’t matter…they’re all gonna blow! That’s right folks! Step right up and catch a glimpse of the real gay agenda. When I last spoke with headquarters, the word was we wanted the world to lay in ruin, RUIN! RUIN! RUIN! I SAY! Conventional marriages practically fall apart at the mere mention of gay marriage. I mean, you know what’s going through everyone’s minds; “You mean I could’ve married someone of the same sex? Damn! Now ya tell me! Well, that settles it, we’re getting a divorce. I mean had I known that being a dude, I could have married a dude? Dude! We’d be having sex all the time! There would be no one there to say ‘no’. Sex, Beer and Pizza! Sex, Beer and Pizza! Party!” And you know what women are thinking; “You mean that two of us in the same household could share a wardrobe? Why we'd double our shoes! We could share make-up, hair products and batteries AND scratch eachother's eyes out when we felt like it! Well, I would have never married that jackass! He doesn’t even know what wings are!”

And while we’re at it, there are a few other things that we want, the first being the human race to completely die off, because if we can’t breed we don’t want ANYONE to breed. Okay, what else? Let’s see…no heels over 5 inches, no flats unless you’re a lesbian (this helps with identification), black is always in, and mullets are always out…yes, even if you’re a lesbian, mullets are OUT! OUT! OUT! And as for George Clooney? Hand him over, we want him! And while we’re on the subject, remember the whole ‘no white after Labor Day’ thing? Yeah? Well, that still applies, although people violate that rule left and right, or more appropriately right and right. Only Republicans would do such a thing. Talk about the degradation of society. And if you don’t believe me, talk to my brother. I just recently had to get him to stop wearing velour, and now it’s almost back in. I said almost, so don’t get excited.

I mean don’t we learn from our mistakes? We give women validity in our society and let them vote and you see what happens? They VOTE! Damn them! THEN all of our menz goes off to war and all of our women folk had to go to work and you see what happens? They WORK! Damn them! They become recognized, valuable citizens in this society…despicable.

And let’s not even go near blacks marrying whites. Just over 30 years ago the majority of the U.S. population was against this…and for good reason. You see what happened? All hell broke loose! Every black man ravished all of our white women, and once you go black you never go back, and once you’re on your back with a black you give a knick knack Robert Stack give George Bush a whack. Let us not forget what happened with the other gender…black women from all over became jezebels and no one was safe! There were bootie calls all over the place! There was bootie over there. There was bootie over here. There was bootie everywhere! And god forbid that they did marry? Their children were beautiful! UGH!!! How dare they make beautiful people! I mean combining two different ethnic groups because they LOVE each other? Actually fusing traits from two separate cultures over love and devotion against extreme odds and society’s wrath? Yucky Pooie! The nerve! The nerve of them!

Okay, wait a minute. Now just hold on a second. I have a thought…or two, bare with me. Could that be it? Nerve? Nerve. Webster’s Dictionary definition of the word ‘nerve’ 5.a. Patience: endurance. b. Forcefulness: fortitude. c. Courage. Could that be it? What kind of odd spectacle happens to a privileged bunch? Some weird sensation that has bestowed their birthright with entitlement to decide who is deserving of equality and who is not? To decide that they know what GOD wants (God obviously being a white, straight, conservative male who wears chinos) as though they received a divine fax? A power struggle that erupts between the privileged and any segment of oppressed population to stand up and have ‘courage’, ‘fortitude’ and obviously ‘endurance’?

Audacity is another definition of ‘nerve’, and there is this same portion of the population that wonders from where on earth anyone oppressed finds the audacity to question anyone or anything. Could it be that ‘normal’ folk are just plain scared of love so great? Because that’s what it boils down to. That is what this is about. Love…nothing less. A few of the players here should be called off the field for thinking that it’s based on anything tawdry, anything less than love. In fact, how dare you Reverend Pat, Reverend Jerry-Berry-Fal-on-your-ass-Well and Mr. Pres…Mr. Presid…Mr…Bush, sorry I can’t do it…(also, if I may use the aforementioned titles loosely) you should all be ashamed of yourselves for having your minds immediately go to a physical action to define a population rather than the true SANCTITY of the only word that it should ever apply to and that is LOVE. There is no ‘sanctity’ in the legal action of marriage; there is however, in love - always great, never small. ‘Our’ society has demonstrated with much proficiency just how precarious marriage is, which should remove any doubt that ‘sanctity’ is not synonymous with marriage. This ‘civilized’ society that we are living in has not built itself upon the foundation of marriage - it is delusional to think otherwise - but rather on the principles of freedom, liberty and justice for all…for ALL. Yes, even for you Pat, Jer-Bear, Rush and Mr. Bush. For everyone, no matter how smart, or…or…unsmart. I didn’t want to say it. Honestly, you forced me to. Hey, I just call it like I see it.

P.S. I just wanted to let you know, I didn’t receive a fax or anything like that. However, I have paid attention to history and I thought that I’d remind you that history has not been kind to at least two things: here we see the mullet again (history has not been pleased with that particular hairdo) and the other being bigots…yeah, bigotry is pretty bad.