WILD JEN

Our excellent friend Jen came up from Long Beach this past weekend to stay with us. She took the train, because it’s certainly cheaper than driving. I picked her up at the train station, where one usually picks up people who are traveling by rail. We went to the market for some things for dinner and then headed on home. Our friend Kaelen, a.k.a. “Rave Dog” was coming over as well. I baked some chicken breasts with sun-dried tomatoes and kalamata olives on a bed of pasta then painted with Parmesan cheese, steamed zucchini and salad. We, of course had our fair share of wine as well. Dessert consisted of a nice bottle of orange Muscat and an angel food cake with a vast amount of sliced strawberries heaped upon it and then topped off with something that I’m sure my heart is still pissed about.

This all seems rather mundane, no? Rather uneventful, just good friends getting together and trying to stay awake past 10 pm? Au contraire my poodles! We’re talking about Jen, after all…

Jen – this is Jen who used to keep a vibrator in the glove compartment of her car for when she got stuck in traffic. She no longer does this because her father changes the oil for her every 3000 miles, on the car, not the vibrator.

Jen – this is Jen who 10 minutes into being introduced to me, told me about how her then boyfriend took her to a sex shop for her Birthday to have her pick out the strap-on of her choice to use on him. (And no, I am NOT kidding)

Jen – this is Jen who had choreographed and lip-sank the entire song Filthy Gorgeous by The Scissor Sisters, complete with wig and everything at a friend’s fondue party.

Jen – this is Jen who actually knew her biological mother (she was adopted) before she knew it was her biological mother. Scandal.

Jen – this is Jen who was previously romantically involved with a British punk rock star, who is a closeted transvestite and enjoys being a naughty boy, OH BEHAVE!! (Name must be withheld for obvious reason)

Jen – this is Jen who has walked in on her parents in the middle of a few different acts, more than a few different times and made eye contact. (As recently as this year)

Jen – this is Jen who when at our first Halloween party, threw up all over the neighbor’s bushes. And started drinking again, 12 hours later.

Jen – this is Jen who recently brought me up to date on her former crush on her formerly hot neighbor. They had gone out to a bar together where he then proceeded to make out with the bartender in front of Jen. He then began dating the bartender and because she does coke, he started doing loads of it. And because she cuts herself, he began cutting himself. And because she likes to give cigarette burns, he now enjoys receiving cigarette burns. And because she loves guns, he now owns a shotgun. I know…we could only hope that it actually goes off with both of them in range.

Jen – this is Jen who while at our dinner party this weekend informed us of her recent trip to a strip club in Vegas where she got tea-bagged with a guy’s banana hammock while lying upon the bar, then later having another male stripper run her “headlights” through his “car wash” in a dark corner for a half hour, then being spanked by the same stripper while bent over a chair for the remaining 15 minutes.

Through her narration of the event, the rest of us just kept saying and exclaiming, “AND THEN WHAT? UH-HUH… AND THEN? YEAH? UH-HUH… WHAT NEXT? NO!!!”

She continued with her story, I’ve told you most of the good parts, but as I was doing the dishes and thinking of Jen and how we adore her for many reasons, I couldn’t help but think about how earlier in my day I had to pull Kleenex out of Gomez’s (one of our dogs) ass, while waving to a neighbor. He and Wednesday (our other dog) have taken to knocking over the waste paper baskets and devouring my snot rags (accumulated from my terrible allergies). And I couldn’t help but think about how while Jen was in Vegas getting tea-bagged; I was cleaning up dog barf off the patio, dog bead, the chair and ottoman, the couch and the Persian rug in the living room. The dogs had previously eaten Hydrangea leaves (don’t let your dogs eat Hydrangea leaves) and then proceeded to barf all over the place – at first intermittently, which was convenient, then simultaneously, which was unfortunate. I then thought about the clothes that I forgot about in the dryer and how it’s Saturday night and I’m washing dishes.

I know that it sounds vastly boring in comparison to Jen. We live vicariously through her and some of our other friends. But, it’s okay…I’m cool with it.