The Results of The Contest: Letter 1 - Nellie's Story

Some of you may remember when I posted a contest last month? It was when I was singing into a disgusting vibrator with Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston? ("BAWBBEY!! BAWBBEY!!" I'm never going to let Whitney forget that.) Yeah... How could you forget, right? I know... I know... When I look back on those pictures, it kind of makes me want to barf in my mouth a little... It seemed funny at the time. As many things do...

Well anyway, we finally decided on the results of the "Free Wedding Rings" contest.

When I say, "WE", I mean me.

There were quite a few people who wrote in and basically said, "I'm broke, please let me have the rings."

And I truly wish that I could've given away more than just one set...

There were also some people who basically wrote in and said, "I want the rings, bitch."

I was looking for a little more than that.

Had you called me a "Potty-Trained Hussy" or a "Stupid Slut", you know, something endearing, things may have turned out differently... But, no.

No creative naughty words? No rings.

So, without further adieu, here's the first email I received, unedited... From "Nellie":

"Hi Kevin,

My husband and I have been married for 6 years this year, and had our problems of course split up a couple times and so on. Well this x-mas I decided I was going to FINALLY get him a wedding band. I did it was wonderful, craziest thing though I got the same thing!!! It was the most beautiful set a 2ct solitaire with a matching band with a total 3ct diamonds. He had put it in layaway a year and a half ago and kept it from me knowing how much I wanted a wedding set. Well one day I was in a rush and took off my wedding set to wash some baby bottles real quick and ran out the door to do something. When I can home the ring was no where to be found. I have tore this house apart looking from the rings and nothing!! The only person home was my mother who was very jealous of the set so God only knows what happened I just know there were taken and thrown away. Over 3,000 dollars down the drain I didnt even have the set for 3 months! I am devistated and certainly dont have the money to replace them and would love the opportunity to win this set! I hope to hear from you soon!

Nellie"

Well, Nellie Frittata, I'm truly sorry that happened, honestly. That's bullshit. As is your lack of punctuation and spelling. And I don't really care for run-on sentences. Thanks, though.

But, seriously, the "craziest thing" happens to be that your Mother is probably the one who tossed the rings, swallowed them, or stashed them in her hole for a rainy day. I'm pretty sure that I'd have to scratch her eyes.

Here's hoping that they surface one day, and that you don't have to sift through her poo or charred remains to find them. Yuk.