Tonka Mouths

I’m really lucky enough to have 11 wonderful nephews and nieces in my life. I don’t think that my brothers and sister would look at how wonderful they are and say that luck had anything to do with it. They’re products of my brothers, their wives, my sister and her husband’s extremely hard work. And I’m proud that my siblings and their spouses have turned out such terrific, honorable, engaging, funny and polite people. I can honestly say that I enjoy being around all of them

My brother Craig and his wife Nancy have six children. I know. Six seems like a lot. And for most people it is. When Nancy was pregnant with their 3rd child, we were like, “Cool, okay…” Then she became pregnant with their 4th and we were like, “Well, huh…” Then she became pregnant with their 5th and we were like, “Whoa, what’s going on?” Then she became pregnant with their 6th and we were like, “Dude!” And it really wasn’t anyone’s business but theirs. But it did dawn on me that if anyone should be having children, they should be. All of their kids are awesome. And there are a lot of them and none of them are brats. And it’s also because Craig and Nancy have worked their asses off being parents. And with Craig, I’m talking literally, his back just goes right into his legs, no ass… there’s a hole in there somewhere, I’m sure. It’s probably just through a thicket of hair. Actually, there’s no probably, okay? There is definitely a thicket of hair down there. It’s probably like shitting through a wig. He’s gonna kill me for writing this.

Craig and Nancy are really funny people, which I imagine is why their children have such great senses of humor as well. Recently, Nancy was in the car with their daughter Jamie. Jamie is about 7 years old. She didn’t talk until she was like 4 or 5. Some people were all freaked out about it. But most of us just thought, she’ll talk when she has something to say. And that’s exactly what happened. She started talking and she hasn’t stopped since. Well, she’s cute as a button and has a mouth like a truck driver.

Craig and Nancy live in Cortland, Ohio. It’s a nice little town in northeast Ohio, near where we grew up. So, the other day, Nancy and Jamie were in the car in Cortland and they had just pulled up to a stoplight. Well, in the lane beside them, a car pulls up with a few teenage girls and stops beside them at the stoplight. The girls are primping and fixing their hair, putting on lipstick and fussing like teenage girls do. Jamie turns and sees them and without skipping a beat, (remember, she’s 7) she says, “Welcome to Cortland, bitches….”

So then, a few days later, their youngest, Nate (4 years old) – a little curly tow-headed pistol is on the toilet. Nancy doesn’t realize that he has the flu. And she can hear him in the bathroom, so she says, “Nate? Are you peeing?” Where he seemed incredulous at her mistake and replied, “YEAH, OUT MY ASS!”

Okay, so more than one has a mouth like a truck driver. Maybe that’s why I like being around them so much.