Where Love Flies

So, Will read my last few posts and said, "I don't think that you should write anything more while you're still on Vicodin and Valium."

And I replied, "Oh yeah? Yeah? Well, what about Xanax? I'm not taking THAT anymore!" (Because I ran out) "So, why you don't you just suck it, Mr. Drug Counselor..."

I would say that being all drugged up for the last few days has been "sobering", but that would most certainly be an oxymoron. But, it has been humbling to my self-esteem. What little bit was left.

I'm running into walls, stumbling over lint, and saying really inappropriate things that don't make sense (more so than usual). For instance, I turned to Will yesterday and told him that I just cooked an entire platter of Greek spaghetti and so there's plenty for left-overs.

He looked over at me a bit wearily and replied, "Well, that's pretty amazing seeing how you've been sleeping for the last two hours and haven't stepped foot in the kitchen since yesterday."

What a know-it-all.

Anyway, I just spilled coffee all over myself, because you know, coffee and Valium go together like...like...I have no idea what they go together like. Like NOTHING, that's what they go together like.

I'm starting to feel like Liza Minnelli,

except my hair is lighter. And I can dance better. And I can sing without choking.

So, while I'm in this state, I feel like being very open with you. Maybe a little more honest than usual. Although, I'm usually pretty forthcoming with you...

But anyway...I'm feeling a little...vulnerable these days. A bit breakable. And occasionally, I feel like I'm holding on by the grit of my teeth.

I talked to my parents the other day. And our relationship has been a little bit strained recently because of this being the election year and we have VERY different views of the candidates and where our country is heading...or not heading.

Well, I've been trying to meditate more and breathe myself into a calmness that keeps me in the moment. Like I said, I've been TRYING. I've been reading and studying Thich Nhat Hanh's work voraciously lately so that I don't spontaneously combust. And it's honestly been helping. For like, 3 minutes...but still. It IS helping.

His writings are simple and accessible and honest. I truly feel that I breathe his wisdom in and my heart rate slows and my spirit calms just reading his words.

Anyway, I meditated before calling my parents recently to tell them that Will and I were planning on getting married in the next few weeks. I also told them that the day before was our 6th year Anniversary. (Thank you so much to those of you who commented or sent emails of congratulations. Truly. It meant so much to me and Will and we honestly appreciate your sincere good wishes and support.)

Well...They were quiet. Actually, their response was, "Ohh..."

They support the civil rights of gays and all people, but maybe more in theory, because they were quiet. They didn't say "Congratulations!" or "Happy Anniversary!" or any of it. They said, "Ohh..."

And not attempting to instigate matters, but sincerely trying to be honest and make them think what their responses might be if the tides were turned, I inquired, "If I were marrying a woman, would you guys fly out here for it?"

And there was a brief silence, where my mother then replied, "Probably not. Oh honey, it's just getting so difficult to travel these days."

Oh really? Huh...I'm thinking that the covered wagon days were probably a little trying. A little dusty and somewhat arduous having to dodge bows and arrows and trying to keep from getting scalped. That must have been bothersome.

Or maybe when you had to take a Steamer or a Clipper around Cape Horn at the tip of South America, through the precarious Straits of Magellan that would take around...Oh, I don't know, 120 days if you were fortunate enough to not end up in a full-on storm that would sink your ass to the bottom of the ocean. That would be bothersome as well.

But...I'm thinking not so much these days. Oh I know, I know, 5 hours on a flight with some of these asshole flight attendants can sure SEEM like you're getting shot at or are in danger of getting your weaves scalped, but is it really just the worst thing ever?

You know what? You don't have to say it, my opinions are probably a little harsh. Maybe a little unwarranted.

I know that my folks are supportive in the best way that they know how. But, the silence of their "support" was deafening. And it left me numb and feeling rather empty.

When I told my oldest brother that Will and I would be getting married, he said, "Oh. Did you see where Mr. Sulu

is getting married to his longtime partner and

Lieutenant Uhura is going to be his maid of honor??"

No. I missed that part. Headquarters didn't call to tell me.

And I'm sorry that my pending wedding to Will isn't as exciting to you as an actor who plays an imaginary character on a fucking spaceship is...

I guess his way of demonstrating his support for me was to inform me that when confronted with the news that Mr. Sulu was getting legally married to another man, the captain and crew of the starship U.S.S. Enterprise

didn't die in their own vomit.

However, on another note, a note that keeps me afloat, I later spoke with my sister-in-law, Nancy. And when I told her that Will and I were getting married, she practically leapt through the phone with excitement. She was elated for us. Truly beaming for us. And it just about sent me bawling. I surprised myself by my voice cracking and holding back tears. It was difficult for me to even respond back to her without sobbing in gratitude.

I guess that I wasn't fully aware of the enormity of what a family member's unconditional support meant to me.

Later that evening, her oldest daughter, my niece Meg called to congratulate us on our pending nuptials. She was just as thrilled for us as her mother. And the heart in my chest that previously felt on the verge of shattering, regenerated upon itself with the healing elixir of love. It beat grandly with the unconditional love that poured forth from these beautiful selfless spirits to mine...to ours.

And I felt as though I could soar

where only eagles dare to tread.