I Hate Spilling Valium All Over The Floor

in

Or, "Owning Excuses And Failure (Part Two)"

Just in case you guys missed (Part One).

So, as I write this, it's been 25 hours since I've pulled my back into a locked position.

I wish that I could tell you that I was doing something,


adventurous,

or,


naughty, yet wholesome. "Wholesome" in a kind of get a bunch of STD's in one encounter kind of way.

But, no.

I was doing something simple, like frantically trying to get our place looking stellar right before our condo was going to be open for a broker's open house. I just lifted the bird cage full of our four asshole birds (Evil Betty, Cher, Ingelbird Humpersnip, and Celine Dion - and they're all boy birds, but no less divas) to put onto the patio and my entire lower back seized up sending my knees to the floor and me propelling my face into a mashed position on the glass door.

(I know, it sounds like many of my previous dates.)

And as though things like this aren't humbling enough, add in that I was just in my underwear, and it somehow makes it more humiliating.

I couldn't move. I couldn't stand or even hobble.

I lied there on the floor for awhile and the dogs immediately thought it was time to give me a facial. And with their little tongues darting all over my face, over my eyelids, in my ears and my mouth, and literally up my nostrils, I actually began to whimper. Which made them lick me in more of a frenzy.

Now if I could just train them to do that on my balls, we'd be all set. Or...I'd be all set.

I crawled into the study to retrieve my phone to call our real estate agent who was scheduled to be there in 45 minutes and left a message. I then called Will and told him that I couldn't move and that the dogs were crossing their legs to go outside and were 4 minutes from whizzing on my newly dog-saliva covered face.

Yeah, they're kinky like that.

The whole experience was humbling.

We obviously cancelled the open house and I crawled into the bathroom where I found aspirin, then later Ibuprofen. Our doctor later prescribed Vicodin and Valium, but only after I already had a Xanax (thanks, Lotta!). So, in a period of 5 hours, I took 3 aspirin, 3 Ibuprofen, a Xanax, 2 Vicodin and 2 Valium. And NONE of it seemed to touch anything but my judgement.

And this is coming from someone who doesn't even like taking Benadryl. Or snorting Ajax, often.

So, this morning, I find myself wondering how counter-productive it is to be taking my Valium with my morning coffee.

As I was reaching for the Valium and the Vicodin, I spilled the pills all over the floor, then I almost started crying when I suddenly felt like an A-Lister in the Hollywood crowd. I thought, "I've finally made it! I'm spilling my drugs all over the floor and am contemplating going outside in my underwear to start physically abusing the Gardener for using that FUCKING LEAF-BLOWER AGAIN!" (Doesn't anyone know how to use a fucking broom anymore?)

I also have a desire to start drinking martinis, smashing the empty glasses against the walls and screaming, "WHERE'S MY AGENT?? THIS WASN'T IN MY CONTRACT!! THIS OLIVE TASTES LIKE SHIT! AND NO! I DON'T KNOW WHO BEAT THE GARDENER SENSELESS!!"

So, yeah...You're on the receiving end of a drugged-up post. Sorry about that. I was just icing my back in bed, when I realized that I was sitting in a puddle and thought for a moment that I might have just pissed myself. But no, the ice pack just leaked all over my ass and the bed and now I'm ready for another Valium.

Well, in my efforts to break free from my self-pity to motivate myself on a play that seems to be getting the better of me...Or rather, the fear of failure is getting the better of me, I thought that through my little personal journey, I'd share with you, the 2nd in the 3-part series of the "Fail" photo collection (complements of our goddess; Diana - appropriately, the goddess of the hunt. Thanks, Diana!):


Dude...Talk about alcohol abuse. That's just criminal. Have fun cleaning that up. Loser.


How embarrassed is this donkey? Even his ears are back. He's probably like, "What the fuck are YOU looking at, Achmed? I'm not the one wearing Culottes. Yeah...that's what I thought. Don't make me come down there off this cart."


I'll never understand why they use powder instead of spooge. If he had used spooge, this NEVER would've happened.


Dude...try jumping.