To Gong Or Not To Gong...

So, a couple of weeks back, I received a phone call from Chris Bearde. Or more specifically, Chris's wife, Carolyn.

Just in case you don't know who Chris Bearde is (because I didn't either). Let me give you the shizz.

He's worked as a writer on such shows from

(that's Ruth Buzzi, Goldie Hawn and Henry Gibson, in case you're wondering...)

(and the brilliant Jo Anne Worley)

"Laugh-In"!!! to "Li'l Abner" to

"The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour". (Cher when she was still...human.)

And has been a producer to Jonathon Winters, Sonny and Cher, Andy Williams and...

Elvis...ELVIS!!!

"ONE FOR THE MONEY! TWO FOR THE SHOW! THREE TO GET READY NOW...BBRRRRRRRRPHHTT!!! Oh...sorry 'bout that, baby...Excuse me, little mama. BBRRRRRPPHHHTTTTT...Oh baby! Sorry, 'bout that..."

He produced three years of the first syndicated variety series The BOBBY VINTON SHOW" with his partner Chuck Barris.

He created, produced and sold the format for

"THE GONG SHOW" with Chuck Barris as well.

He produced network specials with MICHAEL JACKSON, DINAH SHORE, DIANA ROSS, THE OSMONDS, LUCILLE BALL, DICK CLARK and produced several BOB HOPE SPECIALS.

Okay...So what if he's almost dead. I mean, who isn't? But, couldn't you just DIE???

I could die.

No, really...COULDN'T YOU JUST DIE????

I! COULD! DIE!

I had no idea who he was. None. And I performed for him...ohhhh...did I.

I still have marks.

Quite a few months ago, I performed in front of him and two other judges for a local telethon to raise money for a local charity. It was fun and always good experience.

Afterwards, when I arrived home, I did a search on his name, which I was spelling wrong. I kept finding some blues guitarist, which clearly wasn't him. So, I just thought, WHO is this guy?? He's probably some local theater director dude I haven't heard of and all these neurotic actors are all worked up about him, like a bunch of coked-up trannies at a wig festival.

Well, his wife called the next mega-star that they wished to work with,

to see if the jackass would perform the same bit on a pilot for a radio show that they're going to be doing. I said, of course I would and was looking forward to it.

When she emailed me the information, I realized that I was spelling his name wrong. So, when I spelled it correctly, I found something very different. All the shizz that you read above and then some.

And they called little ole me...

COULDN'T YOU JUST DIE??

I could die.

And at this moment, you're probably wishing I would.

So anyway, I performed a character for him that I actually received an award for in New York about 5 years ago. I have since written a one-person play based on this character that you may remember me talking about.

I've finished with the last of the major edits to the play and am trying to motivate myself to get it up on its feet. You may remember that I've been offered a theater in North Hollywood to perform it in, which is very cool. However, just between me, you and the woodwork, I'm so tired of the fucker I could spit. I often want to burn it.

Well, before I get too far off, I wanted to share with you the one minute monologue that I performed for Mr. Bearde. The piece is taken from a larger text that was written by Danny Hoch, who's a brilliant poet, writer and actor in New York. We had to add to it a slight introduction and conclusion (like book-ends) in order to make it a one minute bit and something that made a little sense without the whole piece. I hope that you enjoy it.

And here it is:

Kevin, "I have this friend "Blanca"...And she's rather difficult to describe...She's..."

Blanca, "You know my roommate Lemington??

I know, his name is 'Lemington', that's weird, right?

So, you know he gay, right? And if you saw Lemington, you'd be like, "Oh my god...that guy is SO gay." But, if you saw his boyfriend, you'd be like, "Oh my god, that guy is NOT gay." 'Cause he's like 6 foot 4 and all muscular and everythang.

So, anyway, we be gettin' along, 'cept fo this one time, it was like 7 in the mornin', I'm gettin' ready to go to work, I'm sittin' there eatin' my breakfast and I look up and HE IS WEARING MY SKIRT!!

I was like, 'LEMINGTON!! WHAT YOU DOIN' WITH MY SKIRT??'

And he was all like, 'Oh...that's YOUR skirt?'

And I was like, 'Yeesss...that's my skirt, Lemington...Where you got it??'

And he goes, 'In the closet.'

And I was all, 'Well...huh...

That would happen-to-be MY closet,
which would happen-to-be in MY room,
so that would happen-to-be, DING!! MY SKIRT!!!' RIGHT???

I was like, 'LEMINGTON!! YOU CAN'T BE WEARIN' MY SKIRT!!'

So he starts CRYIN', RIGHT?? AND HE'S ALL, 'FINE!! I WON'T WEAR IT!!'

But, he's sweet though...He got me this cute shirt with all these pictures of famous womenz on it like, Clara Barton and Nefertiti and Mother Teresa is on the shirt. And he gives it to me and he goes to me, 'REJOICE IN YOUR WOMANHOOD, BLANCA!! BE GOOD TO YO-SELF, 'CAUSE YOU A WARRIOR, GIRL!!'

I was like...'He just called me a "warrior"...What is this? Like some black gay thing or somethin'? What? I picture myself running through the jungle with a machine gun goin', 'LOOK OUT!! IT'S BLANCA COMIN'!!"

Kevin, "And that's my friend, "Blanca"."

*********

The piece is always a blast to perform. Chris laughed a lot. And I'm flattered that he remembered me. He told me that I was rather, "Unforgettable". I told him that my mother says the exact same thing on a regular basis, but with less affection.

He laughed some more, which was flattering as well...

And I'm just glad that I didn't get...You know,

gonged.