Things That Were Said To Us Saturday Night

So, Will and I went to a friend's Birthday party on Saturday night. We had a grand time - lots to drink and tasty fondue treats. But, I'd like to share with you some of the things that were said to us throughout the evening.

1. "I KNOW that I'm not an idiot. But, I think I might be a little retarded... NO! I'M SERIOUS!"

2. "Our dog was trying to tell us something, and we were trying to sleep, we were all 'Go away! We're trying to sleep!'. And then, the dog kept trying to tell us something and we kept going, 'Go away! We're trying to sleep!'. Then, when we came down in the morning, we saw...and smelled...that what she was trying to tell us was that she was GOING TO HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA ALL OVER THE DINING ROOM RUG!! UGH!

I tried to clean it up. I SCRUBBED IT LIKE CRAZY! I tried bleach and everything. Then, I tried to sell it in a garage sale."

3. "He doesn't like pussy. And he was sleeping, so he had NO IDEA that it was so close to him. It was practically touching him. So, we took a picture. See?"

4. A woman we had just met, talking to us about her recent experience in a sex-capade club in Bangkok (apparently they're called "Tiger Shows"):

"I didn't see any women shooting ping-pong balls out of their cooches,

but I did tip the ones that took (prepare yourself) razor blades and needles out of their vaginas. (I felt weak in my knees and my right eye involuntarily began to twitch.)

"Then, you know how magicians keep pulling scarves that are tied together out of their sleeves? Yeah? Well, this one chick started pulling scarves that were all tied together out of her cooch and then, it just kept coming. Then, it started winding its way around the audience and people just kept pulling and the scarves just kept coming...Then, she came over to me after all the scarves were out of her pussy and she wanted me to TIP HER and I was all, 'NO, BITCH! I COULD'VE DONE THAT!'

"Then, this one woman coated a banana in lube and kept putting it in her vag and doing all kinds of things with it. Then, she got on her back and shot it right out of there! I got a napkin and picked it up and put it in my purse. We took pictures with it later. SEE??" (And then she showed us the pictures on her camera. At this point, I almost barfed and passed out.)

"Then, they put me up on stage 'cause you know, I was all into it. And they made me hold a balloon. And then, this one crazy bitch got on her back and SHOT A DART OUT OF HER PUSSY!! IT BLEW UP THE BALLOON I WAS HOLDIN'!! SHE COULD'VE KILLED ME!! I tipped her. 'Cause you know, I couldn't have done that shit with MY pussy."

So, at this point, I told her, "I was in Bangkok years ago, but I never went to those clubs. I've been to some pretty skanky strip-clubs in Hong Kong, but...Wow..."

And she replied, "HELL, YES! YOU GOTTA GO NEXT TIME!! At first I was all, 'Damn...all these crazy vaginas with all this stuff flying out of them!', Then, after awhile, I was all, 'Oh...there's ANOTHER vagina, shooting ANOTHER dart.', we got used to it. But, those fuckers were charging me 100 bucks A BEER!! FUCKERS!"

5. From the same hysterical woman (who comes from a strong Mexican Catholic family): "When I was 13 years old, I started dying my hair pink. My mom was pissed. By the time I was 15, I was going Goth. So, one day when I came home from school when I was 16, there was a priest and some bitch with holy water and holy oil and my Mom made me lie down and they started doing an EXORCISM ON ME. I was like, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCHES DOING???' And they were chanting and rubbing that shit on my forehead and EVERYTHING!

Then, my friend Teresa came over, walked in the door and looked in seeing what was going on and she was all, 'HEY! MARIA! CAN YOU COME OUT AND PLAY??' And I was yelling over the priest's shoulder, 'HOLD ON, TERESA! I'LL BE RIGHT OUT! AS SOON AS THESE HOLY BITCHES ARE DONE!!'."

I know that I don't have to tell you that we're in love...or at least in awe.