Meet; Tatiana Poopsalotsky. Secret CIA Operative

***Please continue reading the below text with a Russian accent. Or again, please try.***

She's Quite a Vision, Nyet?

Da. It is no vonder that Kevladmir Charnaslovsky vas so smitten by her. She is beauty personified. Vith her sun-kissed hair and crimson lips that Kevladmir loved so much. Not to mention her skin that glimmered of chip-chopped ham.

From moment that Tatiana laid eyes on Kevladmir, she vas taken. She velt her facial hair tingle and her breasts began to heave. And her strong, firm buttocks began to flex. She vas former gymnast, after all. She vanted to try to balance on his beam. And she loved his fur-laden helmet.

She remembers happy days of valking through Gorky Park vith Kevladmir. Holding hands and eating Capitalist pig-sausage sandviches. She remembers long, passionate kisses and drinking lots of Vodka. She remembers how much he loved the fur that grew in her armpits.

She remembers comparing Capitalist pig-sausage to Kevladmir's Russian bulge. It vas no match. She vant to throw their over-materialistic-American-bullshit sandviches vith avocado and alfalfa sprouts in garbage and dive behind bushes. She vant to make mad-hot-hanky panky in Russian snow and Kevladmir to caress the sexy hair that grew vith vild abandonment on Tatiana's boobs. Aftervards, they smoke 30 cigarettes...a piece.

But then, THEN, the chip that CIA planted in her pretty Russian noggin, under that perfect, pink-coifed hair, notified her that Kevladmir vas KGB agent!!

NO! NO, IT CAN'T BE!! SAY IT NOT TRUE!! IT MAKE TATIANA'S JAW JUT OUT TO CUT TRUTH LIKE KNIFE!

It vas true. And dis destroy Tatiana. It make her eyeballs almost pop-out and bounce and stick onto frozen sidevalk. Tatiana not know vhat to do. She slip Kevladmir roofie...but really, it vas Exlax suppository. She vas good at giving suppositories and she knew it. She vas still amazed that she slipped him one vithout him knowing. Hopefully, he not vart it out.

And then, she and broken heart fled to zhe Baltic Sea.

Vhere she and her grief and her broken heart froze like Capitalist-pig Popsicles and eventually vent insane...and cross-eyed.