Introducing Special KGB Agent: Kevladmir Charnaslovsky

***Please read below text with a Russian accent. Or please try.***

Dis one nice. Kevladmir looks like nice man. He does not mind Capitalist pigs. Dis is before he met Tatiana.

Dis one, Kevladmir remembers vveery, vverry, cold Vinter in Vladivostok. Does not vant to go back. And he just saw Tatiana for first time. He velt great stirring in pants.

Dis one, Kevladmir is veeling debonair. Maybe he secret KGB agent, but not tell you. He have to kill you. He vants to know Tatiana better. She is so lovely. Her hair is the color of the setting sun. And her skin is the color of lunch meat.

Dis one, Kevladmir is veeling stoned. Maybe Tatiana slipped him roofie and plans to make love to this Russian spy. Between you, me and voodvork, he not mind. He loves Tatiana and her crimson lips.

Kevladmir veels vverry, vverry, cold wind blow on him. He vants Tatiana to varm him up. But, vhere is she? Vhere has Tatiana gone? Bye-Bye?

Kevladmir is angry that sexy Tatiana slipped him roofie and left without hot hanky-panky. He vants to call Kremlin, but is veeling disoriented. He thinks that Tatiana might be sexy special CIA agent.

Kevladmir is veeling psycho now. The roofie is messing vith the Rusky.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! NOW I MIND CAPITALIST PIGS! NOW I VANT CAPITALIST PIGS TO TURN INTO CAPITALIST BACON AND CAPITALIST SAUSAGE!! VHERE IS DAT SEXY CIA AGENT FOR HOT HANKY PANKY?? I VANT TO SPANK HER BOTTOM AND FEED HER ICE CUBES!! GIVE ME TATIANA!! I MISS HER SOFT SUN-KISSED HAIR THAT SMELLS OF SMOKE AND VODKA! I MISS HER SUPPLE SKIN THAT RADIATES ALL HUES OF BOLOGNA!! I MISS HER SWEET SCENT, HER HAIRY ARMPITS THAT SMELL OF...THAT SMELL OF...CABBAGE!!!"

***Stay tuned.***