Vagina Couch For Sale

Or would it be cooch? Vagina Couch or Vagina Cooch?

"HEY! MOVE OVER SO WE CAN ALL SIT ON THE COOCH!"

Or, "Where did you get this cooch?"

Or, "Okay, where shall we put the cooch?"

Or, "HEY! GET THAT POOCH OFF THE COOCH AWAY FROM THE HOOCH!"

I suppose that "Vagina Cooch" would be redundant, yes? But, then again..."cooch" just refers to the general area right? Not specifically the vagina? I dunno.

Slackermommy sent this to me sometime back and asked; "Do you and Will need a new couch? EVERY house needs a vagina!"

Thanks, Slackermommy! I actually agree with you. However...this one...well...

It looks like it could eat people, no?

Well, it was for sale on craigslist. And here's what the ad said,

"For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuff marks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting."

Umm...Some things in this ad just take on a whole new meaning with this merchandise. What if for fun, we took out "couch" and just replaced it with "vagina"?

Let's try.

Okay, "For Sale - beautiful pink vagina that I no longer have space for."

Let me guess, your asshole wants more room? I KNEW IT! JUST like an asshole to need more space.

"The vagina is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch)."

DAAYY-UUMM!! If your vag is that mongo, then how big are YOU?? Your boobs must be the size of Volkswagens. Straight dudes would LOVE that. Actually, gay dudes would too.

"The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old."

I KNEW IT! You used to be in porn. With a monster gina like that, you'd have to be. You know, things didn't have to be like that. You could've settled down some place quiet and rented the space out as a storage facility. That's easy for me to say though. I didn't know your situation. I'm so fucking judgmental sometimes.

"the vagina has some scuff marks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape."

"Moved", oh, is that what we call it? I've heard it called a lot of things before, I've never heard "moved". And I don't call "SCUFF MARKS and STAINS" "excellent shape". Who are you kidding? That gina has seen more traffic than Los Angeles International.

And actually, "stains" is understandable. I get that part. But, "scuff marks"? What the hell? Did you let people walk on it in their shoes?? In our household, we make you remove your shoes once you get to the thighs.

Well, at least you don't have crabs. Jeezuz...those would be the size of Chihuahuas.

"A professional upholsterer helped me build the vagina, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture."

SO YOU PLANNED AND BUILT THIS??? WHAT KIND OF SICK-O ARE YOU? YOU JUST WANTED YOUR BURGER TO BE PARTY CENTRAL, DIDN'T YOU!! APPARENTLY! AND NOW YOU'RE TIRED OF YOUR PUSS BEING A FUN-HOUSE! WELL, THAT'S JUST TOO F-ING BAD, SISTER! YOU MADE YOUR GINA, NOW YOU SHOULD...LIE IN IT! Which...you can...for real. But, then you'd be a contortionist. And in that case, should join the circus. Or...be in porn...which you were. Sorry. So, what movies were you in? You weren't in "Shaving Ryan's Privates" were you? I think I would've remembered you. You were probably in "The Vagina That Ate Tokyo", huh? Yeah...I didn't see that one.

"The vagina must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!"

A "loving home"? What the H-E-double toothpick, Willow? You're selling your hair pie which has "scuff marks and stains"! How "loving" have YOU been to that poor thing? HUH? Poor vagina.

AND $600? $600??? THAT'S IT?? You spent ALL that time building it so that they would...come (sorry...I had to...at least I didn't spell it the other way) and now you just want to GIVE IT AWAY at $600? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU COULD MAKE IF YOU TOOK THAT BUGGER ON TOUR?

Willow? We need to talk. Just don't eat me.