The Wilson's Property, Part Dos

Okay, so where was I?

Oh...I was losing my marbles. Or...I already lost them. It doesn't matter, I have about 3 left.

So, at this point, we knew that it was my liver, but we still didn't have a diagnosis.

The paralyzing muscle cramps and the agitation I faced with outside stimuli was worsening by the day. I told you how I couldn't listen to the radio while driving. Well, if I accidentally turned it on due to habit and Milli Vanilli was on, there would've been a very good chance that I would've rolled the car. I had to be ultra-disciplined. NO MILLI VANILLI, KEVIN!! NO MATTER HOW tempting they were...

With symptoms worsening by the day, and knowing that it was my liver, I went to a health food store to see what they had to flush my liver out.

"FLUSH, THE LIVER...OUT!! YAOOOWW!! FLUSH, THE LIVER...OUT!!!

Isn't there a song like that? No?

Sorry, my bad.

Actually, I may have done this before that biopsy...I dunno. It's been 9 years after all, so I'm not sure when I did the whole liver-flush thing. But, I'm going to tell you about it because it was disgusting. And you know how I like sharing disgusting things with you.

Well, I did this herb-thing for I don't know, like 10 days (this must have been before the biopsy), then drank a whole shitload of pure apple juice mixed with goat piss or something like that, for 3 days, THEN...are you ready? Then, I was suppose to drink a cup of coke, juice from one lemon, blended with 1 cup of OLIVE OIL. A WHOLE CUP OF OLIVE OIL.

yuk.

I blended it. Then, I proceeded to drink it out of the blender.

It...

Was...

AWFUL!!!

It was like listening to Milli Vanilli and seeing Paul Giamatti naked at the same time.

I was bouncing up and down in the kitchen, pacing, grimacing trying to force the rest of it down without hurling.

It was truly disgusting.

Then, I was to lie down on my right side, hoping that the olive oil would seep into my liver, causing it to spasm and spew all the toxins out of it.

So, I did. And I fell asleep that way.

When I awoke the next morning, I burped. I burped an OLIVE OIL BUBBLE.

And then, I puked.

It was grand.

I went to work later that day. I was working as a bartender at the time and my boss knew that I had been facing some rough stuff. I told him what I had done and that there was a good chance that something...peculiar might happen during our evening shift.

And sure enough, it did.

I felt a low rumbling and looked at him with a bit of concern. He returned the look of concern mixed with apprehension and masked disgust.

And I ran as fast as I could.

And there certainly was "anatomy" involved.

I'm also certain that the display was witnessed by neighboring states.

I held on tight to avoid lift-off and was gone from the bar for an hour. When I returned looking haggard and sweaty, he just looked at me with suspicious eyes as though I had just devoured a small child.

Well, it was as if I had induced the flu. I felt worse for a few days, but then things began to simmer down. I began to feel better and the symptoms seem to subside a little.

So, back to the biopsy. The doctor actually felt like we couldn't wait for the results and sent me to the eye doctor to check for Kayser-Fleischer Rings in my eyes. These rings have a brownish-yellow hue (consisting of copper) and are present in the cornea in virtually every patient with neurologic disease associated with Wilson's Disease. And they usually go nicely with a nice Tweed sport coat, or even a nice traditional Burberry jacket.

He sent me to an emergency eye-clinic and with-in minutes, we had a diagnosis.

I had Wilson's Disease. It's "a genetic disorder that is fatal unless detected and treated before serious illness from copper poisoning develops. (That means no more gnawing on copper pipes or freshening my breath with a penny or two...damn it.) Wilson's Disease affects approximately one in 30,000 people worldwide. The genetic defect causes excessive copper accumulation in the liver or brain." (SEE? SEE? THERE'S REASON FOR THIS MADNESS!!! MMUUUU-WAA-HAHAHAHA!!!)

I wasn't crazy. Well, a little, but that's okay. I can't tell you how I relieved I was to actually have a diagnosis. I felt like I knew my enemy's name. Now, I just needed to find out what to do about the little fucker, 'cause just between me, you and the woodwork, this asshole was pissing me off.