Monologue Tonight

I had an audition about a month or so ago. It was for an upcoming telethon for charity. It's always good experience to audition...or usually good experience. I like to work through the stage-fright and perform while the rest of me is screaming to run.

I almost walked out before I went up to audition, because one of the judges thought that he was that ASSHOLE Simon Cockhole from American Idol. I have never actually watched a whole episode of the show. I've just seen clips of it and it never fails to stir the violent in me...I always feel like kicking Simon in his teeth.

I just really, REALLY can't tolerate it when I see someone being mean to someone else. It just pushes me right over the edge.

So, the fuckhead thought he was Simon. But, he was even MORE retarded than the actual Simon, which I didn't know was possible.

Anyway, I went through with the audition.

They were kind and laughed and were complimentary. They were still stupid, but they were nice. They're lucky, because I may have just popped a squat right there and pinched a loaf on the stage had they tried to diss me. And I only say this because I CAN SHIT ANYWHERE. Maybe it's a throwback from my military days, I dunno. But, I could take a shit in the middle of a crowded freeway if I had to. And a stage in front of a bunch of arrogant judges wouldn't have stopped me either...

Okay, maybe...BUT I WOULD'VE LIKED TO TRY...or at least I would've liked to PRETEND to try. Cut me some slack, okay?

Well, my 1-minute monologue (I like to keep them short and sweet) is airing tonight, Friday and Saturday night at 9pm on Cox Channel 8 for those of you who are local...if you're interested. The name of the show is Chance of a Laughtime and it benefits The Unity Shoppe here in Santa Barbara.

At first I was going to tell anyone (no matter where you are) who wanted to, that they could call in and "vote" for me. 1 vote equals 1 dollar. But actually, even though it's for charity, it kind of makes me sick. The one with the most friends with money wins. And I've been notified that some contestants' "friends" have been calling in before the show has even aired and have been "voting".

It's just so pimping...And I don't know why it makes me sick, but it does.

I would be cool with performing for charity. I've done it before. It's just the hitting up of friends for money that really bothers me.

So, if you're in the area and feel like watching me perform a one-minute monologue at 9pm tonight, Friday or Saturday, then please tune into Channel 8. Don't worry about "voting", 'cause that's not really voting.