"BUY NOW, FART-BREATH!!"

***WARNING*** (Not that any of you listen to ANYTHING that I post here in front of children, but just in case, this is giving you notice that the below video contains harsh language.)

Maybe if all car commercials were like the one above, more of us would hold onto our cars for 200,000 miles or more. You can save a LOT of money if you do. The link provided has the low-down on what cars will most likely last the 200,000 and what cars will not, as well as some great tips on how to get your car to "go the distance".

I don't know what it is that irritates me about some people always "needing" new cars every couple years. It seems frivolous and decadent to me. Like things are never good enough for them...Like they don't want what they have and once they get it, they still don't really have it, because eventually, they'll just want something else. A hunger that will never be satisfied from anything on the outside.

Am I making too much out of it? That is ENTIRELY possible...probable, in fact.

I fall into it too though. Easily. I just recently saw the new 4-door Jeeps and I frickin' love them. Do I "need" it though? No. Not at all. I have a decent car that has 175,000 miles on it and even though that motherfucker broke down on me last week and I had to have it towed and then my mechanic bent me over AGAIN without so much as an appetizer, I hope to get another 100,000 miles out of it.

Funny...that piece of shit Pinto with the driver's side door wired shut that I drove in high school NEVER broke down on me. Oh sure, if someone rear-ended me the entire car would've burst into flames, but that's besides the point, isn't it? We were always so saturated with alcohol that we probably would've combusted before the car did.

Anyway, I have a tip to share with you. It's helped me twice when buying a car.

An old friend of mine who was a human resource consultant for Mazda and Toyota took a class on "Buying A Car" at Harvard. So, thanks Penny! I'm sharing your wisdom.

Be completely specific in what you want and what you don't want. Be specific about EVERYTHING. Then, tell the dealer (it doesn't matter if it's a used car or a new one) to write down on a piece of paper the lowest price that he/she can give you and to SEAL it in an envelope. Be direct, and say how you realize that they still have to make money, but you want the lowest price that they can give on that paper in that SEALED envelope.

And then, tell them that you're going to go to 2 other car dealers and you're going to ask them to do the same thing. And then tell them that you're going to go home and open all the envelopes and whoever gives you the lowest price, you're going to go with.

They'll freak.

They'll hem and haw and make all kinds of racket and not want to do it. Just sit there and smile (it's actually quite entertaining). Because they will end up doing it. And if they say, "Now, if someone else gives you a lower price than ours, call me." (They did this to me.) Then say, "Well, then that means that you didn't give me the lowest price that you can give. If someone else is lower, I'm not going to call you because you're being dishonest. And why would I want to buy a car from someone who is being dishonest?"

Again, they'll freak. And then, they'll cave. (Mine did.) And if they don't? They can suck it and you'll find someone who will ("cave", as opposed to "suck it").

Trust me. This has worked both times I've used it (they all came to within $50 of each other). I also gave out like 20 blowjobs to all the car dealers and their friends, but what else is new? I don't think that you'll have to do that. And if you decide to, well...it probably won't hurt. Unless you're all teeth. Then, no doubt you're going to get a lemon...Or a bunch of whiny dudes. Maybe both.