Things that No One ever told me about, unfortunately:

1. Sex – I thought that the guy had to pee in the girl…somewhere. Where? I don’t know. He just had to pee in her.

2. Foreskin – I didn’t know that I was missing it. The first time I saw it was on a 150 year old man that I had to bathe. I was 18, a new orderly at a hospital and I didn’t know what the hell was going on with his penis. I just thought that he was
part-man, part-ant-eater.

3. Being Gay – I look back at pictures and videos of me as a teenager, at quite a young age…if no one knew, they weren’t paying attention. Someone could have clued me in and saved all of us a lot of grief. I’m surprised that I didn’t singe the film. Who plays tennis in pastel Bermuda shorts with long-johns underneath and a blue tank-top? Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Gay as the day was long…and no one told me. I watch those videos now and just turn to my family and say, “Hello?? Look how gay I am! Were you people awake?” I have a feeling that the nurse could’ve told my Mom as I was born.

4. That Tramp, the neighbor’s dog, was not trying to wrestle with us when we were playing matchbox cars. That was not wrestling.

5. That I shouldn’t have ever taken the bible literally. Ever.

6. That I didn’t have to go into the military. I’m glad that I did, but it never really dawned on me that I didn’t have to.

7. That 4 of my cousins were adopted. It was just hard to figure out when one of them was saying that the other four didn’t come out of their Mommy. I was wondering, “So…where did they come out of? A goat? Did your Dad not pee in your Mom?”

8. That guilt is an awful, manipulative tool that really doesn’t benefit anyone. I’d like to thank the Catholic Church for trying to teach otherwise. Keep it up, assholes.

9. That to be naked on a beach is awesome, as long as the Catholic Church isn’t there...they're probably naked somewhere else.

10. That there’s a good chance that I may not always be right.

11. That there’s a good chance that my government may not always be right.

12. That Velveeta isn’t really cheese.

13. That Starbursts are actually flavored pieces of plastic.

14. That it’s okay to think that a family member might be an idiot.

15. That my parents are just people, wonderful people, but just people trying to do their best.

16. That if I want to be a paranoid schizophrenic, than I should make assumptions.

17. That if I want to be a paranoid schizophrenic, than I should take things personally.

18. That it’s okay if my best isn’t as good as it was yesterday, I can try again tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be better. And if not then? Then the next day.

19. That a gun’s primary function is to launch a projectile, which is designed to kill...it wasn't manufactured for target practice.

20. That it’s okay to question…everything.