A funny thing happened on the way to work today...

When someone says, “A funny thing happened to me on the way into the office this morning…”, how often does a ‘funny thing’ really happen? I mean, is it really that funny? For instance, did you jack-knife or roll your car down an embankment? Or did you run over a pedestrian or poop your pants or throw-up on the inside of your windshield? Not that these things would be funny, just that they seem more likely to happen than something occurring that is actually humorous. So, do we mean ‘funny’, as in peculiar? Or ‘funny’, as in humorous? Well, either interpretation, yesterday morning, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the office. I got a bagel stuck in my nose and it actually wasn’t that funny. In hindsight it was humorous, but while it was happening, it was peculiar, rather uncomfortable and somewhat disturbing.

I was driving to work and eating a bagel with cream cheese that I had made for myself before leaving home. While I was eating it, I sneezed, and a chunk flew up and lodged itself in between the roof of my mouth and where my nasal passages meet the back of my throat. And it wouldn’t budge. It felt like someone just hit me in the face with a hammer. I proceeded to tear up, and then sneeze wildly something like 40 or 50 times. It wouldn’t go up, it wouldn’t go down. I probably looked like Linda Blair trying to dis-lodge the devil from my throat, ready to projectile green pea soup all over the place. So what did I do? I ate an apple, of course, like anyone would do. I was hoping to push it down, or out. This thus caused a food pile-up in the back of my throat. What the hell? Is there like a closet back there that I didn’t know about? I mean really, where can this stuff go?

When I arrived on campus, (I work at the University of California, Santa Barbara) it just continued to stay there. I was trying to walk to the bathroom as fast as I could and look as inconspicuous as I could. It wasn’t easy, seeing how I had tears streaming down my face, I was dropping things, snorting and gurgling and coughing and wheezing. I might as well have been Fat Bastard from Austin Powers playing the bagpipes. Paris Hilton could’ve refrained from her signature; “That’s hot” translating it to; “That’s snot”. I got to the bathroom hoping that it wasn’t my final resting place, because I heard somewhere that people often die in the bathroom when they’re choking on something because they don’t want to draw attention to themselves in public. So, they’ll go to the bathroom to try to dis-lodge it themselves and croak. I didn’t want to die on a bathroom floor with a bagel stuck in my nose.

I began drinking water, and snorting and gargling it. Nothing helped; I kept tearing and was ready to begin the bargaining process with god. What would I do or give up if divine forces would intercede and dis-lodge this bakery item and now fresh produce from the food locker that had been assembled in the back of my throat. I contemplated going to the E.R., but what were they going to do? Stick a fire-hose up one of my nostrils? Because it would fit. Send troops up there? Because they’d probably fit too. Maybe Halliburton can get a no-bid contract to restructure my nasal passages after the W. administration does a pre-emptive strike on the groceries up there. Take out that bagel and apple before they come flying out and hurt someone.

I began telling people at work that I had a bagel in my nose, just in case they were wondering. I didn’t want to tell them that there was an apple too. I wanted them to know what was going on. But I didn’t want them thinking that I was such a dumb ass as to try and wash a chunk of bagel down with an apple. My voice sounded more nasally than usual and I thought, as painful as this is, it is rather funny, as in humorous – I want people to laugh at this, we might as well get some mileage out of it. So, in the midst of our conversation, I would say, “I’ve got a bagel in my nose.” Most people were very apologetic through their tears of laughter. Others would try to help in someway. One colleague said, “Well, Penn & Teller do a thing where the one who doesn’t speak snorts a pea up his nose then brings it out of his tear-duct.” “Well,” I said “are you saying that you can help me bring this bagel out of my nose through my eyeball?” “No.” He said, “I just remembered it.”
“Well, good for him.” I said, “The world needs more people that can do that.”

My friend Matt wanted to eat it when it finally came out. He eats everything. I told him that he probably wouldn’t like it because it hadn’t been soaked in vodka and wasn’t slathered in barbeque sauce and dripping with blue cheese dressing. All he does is eat, drink and spew out insults. That’s how we like her…drunk and mean. Kind of sounds like Barbara Bush.

Anyway, the bagel and apple stayed there for most of the day. I went ahead with my routine. I didn’t have a choice. Anyone that I had to come into contact with I told. “Just so you know, I have a bagel in my nose.” They usually looked at me as though I was kidding, until I would say, “No, I’m serious.”

I think that they have finally dissolved. I hope so. I also hope that I don’t end up with a sinus infection. Here I was just going to work, nothing out of the ordinary seemed like it was in the cards for the day. Oblivious that a bagel and an apple were about to have their way with me. I guess we never know when a funny thing is going to happen to us on the way to the office, or a not-so funny thing. And my Mother reminds me that things can always be worse. But for now, a bagel in the nose is a pretty funny thing. I’m glad that it was a bagel in my nose and not a jalapeno pepper in my ass…that would’ve been not-so funny. Although, I’m certain that the story leading up to it would have been.