Lickity Stinkpits and a Series of Unfortunate Humps

Well, well, well...As if you haven't figured out many weird things about me, I'm going to divulge another.

Nancy over at Marie Millard, had tagged me with an "8 weird things about me that you don't know, but you really want to touch me" kind of post. Or something like that.

I wrote back to her and told her that I promised that I would try. I still have some "meme's" to catch up on. I'm flattered when I'm tagged with "meme's", however, it's like I have a slight aversion to them. Like I want to do them, but can't. As if the rules freak me out, or maybe it's the procrastinator in me that just keeps putting it off until tomorrow...I don't know.

Anyway, I'm kind of doing it. But, not really. I'm listing one weird thing about me, but with really unflattering photos of the hair in my nostrils. So Nancy, I hope that this makes up for the 7 things I didn't list.

So, here it is: Gomez Addams, one of our dogs, licks my face, ears and neck, just about everytime I lie down. And because I have a part-time job as a ho, it's been quite a bit lately. Although, I do get some work while standing up. And sometimes sitting. And sometimes while hanging in mid-air. But, even after I wash my face before going to sleep and crawl into bed, Gomez saddles up onto my shoulder and chest and gets licking.

Yes, it's disgusting. I know. Thanks.

I don't have the heart to stop him.

Will thinks that I like it. I don't. (And just because I smoke a cig afterwards, that means NOTHING.) I tolerate it and by now, I'm just used to it. It's like a meditation for him. He goes into a zone. And when I mean he licks my face, ears and neck, I mean HE LICKS THEM FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES.

I consider it more like a canine facial. I just lie there and try to read until he gets to my eyes. And if I don't close my eyelids, he'll lick my eyeballs. Now, if I could get him to lick the other set of balls on my person? We'd be all set. (PETA? Put the spray paint cans down, I'm kidding.)

I truly don't have the heart to stop this neurotic behavior. Gomez and Wednesday are both rescues. For the rest of our lives, we'll rescue dogs. We couldn't bring ourselves to go to a breeder when there are literally thousands of excellent dogs that need homes, but we gas them instead. While many people go to "pet shops", rather than good breeders (or shelters), and pay hundreds or thousands of dollars to get what they're told is cool. Even though, the poor things are often over-bred and will end up eating their own shit (at least our dogs know to eat other animals' shit.) How fucking civilized.

But truly, if you're not into rescuing animals from shelters, then please go to a responsible breeder.

Well, Gomez was severely abused by his former owner. I'd love to meet the fucker. He or she would know what cement tasted like after I was through with them, and I'm not kidding. And if you think that I couldn't do it because I joke a lot about boas and wigs, then you don't know me very well. I would totally rip off all my Lee Press-on nails while tearing out their hair and not think anything of it.

So, Gomez was extremely abused. Then, a few years ago, you may know this already, but if you don't, he was attacked by a Korean bigoted dog, then RUN OVER BY A TRAIN, all in about 8 seconds...right in front of me.

He's doing splendidly. An animal's resilience is truly amazing. I'm scarred for life, but he's cool.

Given his past, I'll let him lick whatever he wants/needs to in order to calm his spirit.

"Ooohhh yeeaaahhhhh...Gomez likes? Gomez likes? Gomez gettin' all busy on Daddy?? Aaahhh yeah, that's it..." (Again, PETA? Put the paint cans down and walk away. It's a joke.)

Sorry about the nipple shot, I really didn't intend for my nip to end up in the photo, but Will and I got into an argument after he took this pic and I didn't want him taking anymore pictures of me. I think he may have been jealous.

Now, given this...this...habit, Gomez isn't gay. We had hopes, but he's not. I mean, really, he didn't choose to be straight, it's just the way he ended up...without his end, up. We support him anyway. And we want for his life what he wants.

You may remember his affair with the adorable, the incredible, Miss Betty Boop. Well, she's a ho.

Remember Gomez gettin' all busy on Betty Boop's boob, while copping a feel?

Then, there was the time he went crazy eating Betty Boop's fur burger, all while Frankenstein was all, "HEY!! DO ME! DO ME! I'M ALL BENT OVER AND WAITING!! I LOVE RIM-JOBS!" RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. Reallllyy nice, Gomez. Thanks for that.

See? Clearly, he chooses Betty.

Well, at least he did until he ripped her arms and legs off and then was running around with just her head. Eventually, just her face was left.

Well, last week, poor Gomez was illin' and was eating grass like a lawn mower, then barfing up huge grassballs... So, we took him to the vet and when she went to take his temperature in his bootie, he squealed. I tried to comfort him and just looked at her and said, "You know, you really should've bought him dinner first".

She kind of laughed nervously. Then, I continued the whole thing about how he's not gay and we've come to terms with it. She continued to laugh nervously, with all three teeth that she has. Seriously, have you heard of a fucking toothbrush, lady? She's nice and all, but go buy some teeth, Christ.

So, Gomez is fine and straight. However, the other day, we found out that if the chemistry is just right, he may cross over. What a player he is.

I had been working out and hadn't showered. And I was walking around the house without my shirt trying to lick my own armpits, which were exuding a bit of... man funk. (Did I say that I was only divulging one weird thing about me?) I was trying to entertain Will (myself) by licking my own pits (which I couldn't reach) and saying, "OOoohhh yeeaahhhh...Daddy like his funky pits? Daddy like his funky pits?"

Will would just walk by me rolling his eyes, muttering under his breath, "Jeeezuz..."

Then, when I got down to try and finish my push-ups, Gomez wrapped his legs around MY leg and mounted my calf.

I was shocked.

He hadn't even bought me dinner first.

He had NEVER done this before. We had only french-kissed at this point, and this was just too much. I'm his Papa for god's sake.

I stood up and looked at him and said, "Gomez??? What are you doing???"

And he just looked at me like, "Dude...what's the big deal? Betty's all dismembered and I ain't gettin' any action, bitch."

He tried to hump me everytime I began my push-ups.

When Will came home, I told him what had happened. I said how I couldn't believe it because Gomez had never tried that before.

And Will just looked at me and said, "Well, Betty's all dismembered and he ain't gettin' any action, bitch. And it's probably because you smell."

And I replied, "Thanks. Thanks a lot."

And he continued, "Well, you do smell kind of...ripe."

And I said, "Ripe for what? Picking or poking?"

And he said, "Apparently, poking."