The Scream Capades

There's a gorilla in our midst.

My brother-in-law sent this to me and I don't think that I can adequately describe to you just how badly I want the role of this gorilla. I know that it's probably mean, but I LOVE scaring the hell out of people and I would have the biggest boner if I had the chance to be this gorilla. Thanks, Lovie!

This one time, at my parents' home,

I was hiding behind some large drapes on the landing of the staircase, waiting to jump out and scare my brother-in-law. It was dusk and I really thought that he would see the bulge in the curtains and know I was there (the bulge being me, not my...bulge). To my surprise, while he began descending the stairs, he was going to walk right past my hiding spot. He didn't know that I was there.

Well, I dropped to my hands and knees and came FLYING out on all fours from behind the drapes snarling and barking and growling and snorting.

He spun around quicker than Brian Boitano on a sheet of lube and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me with his jacket.

It ended with me cowering in the corner getting pummelled in the face by the zipper of his coat screaming his name. By the time he finished with me, I looked like Tonya Harding.

French braid and all.

When he stopped trying to dismember me, I may have looked like Tonya Harding, but I wailed like Nancy Kerrigan,

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I WAS???"

He replied, "I don't know. I just saw your teeth in the light and didn't know..."

I think that he thought a wild boar snuck in the house or maybe Tonya Harding.

Well, as if whipping me in the face with a zipper wasn't punishment enough, he has gotten me back over the years.

Have you ever been chased by a loved one and you KNOW that it's them and they're not going to hurt you, but something in you just freaks a little? Yeah? No? Well, one time he started chasing me around the second floor of that house. And I headed for the stairs. About halfway down the stairs I freaked. I basically went down the rest of the staircase looking like this, minus the potato sac,

screaming my ass off. He continued chasing me and I ran down into the foyer, around the bend into the dining room, around the next bend into the kitchen with my brother-in-law still in hot pursuit and I was still screaming as though I had been set on fire.

As I rounded the corner into the kitchen screaming loud enough for the hearing impaired, my poor mother was at the stove cooking. As I entered the kitchen screaming, my eyes wide open, we came face to face and she was screaming too. She had no fricking clue what was going on, but she started screaming at the top of her lungs as well.

Then she yelled at both of us.

So, THEN, as if all of this isn't bad enough, we used to have a tradition where we'd stay up late Christmas Eve wrapping gifts. My parents had gone to bed leaving my sister, brother-in-law and myself to finish the wrapping. Well, my brother-in-law made as though he was tired and "went to bed".

My sister and I finished at probably something like 2:30 or 3 in the morning and off to bed we went, excited still as grown-ups for Christmas morning.

We kissed and hugged "good night" and I went to my old room and she went to hers (where her husband was supposed to be sleeping). I crawled into bed, still favoring the side of the bed furthest from the wall and closest to the door. Ever since I was a wee Cheryl Ladd, I wasn't fond of the side closest to the wall. I turned off the light and settled down for a short Winter's nap, anxiously anticipating Christmas morning.

Then, with the force equivalent, not to Brian Boitano so much, but probably more like this,

he lunged from the scary side of the bed.

And besides crapping my panties and pissing my skirt, I screamed my head off again and basically looked like Katarina Witt doing a triple Lutz up and out of the bed. Although, I wasn't wearing this at the time,

(Umm...on a sidenote, and there's no doubt that this pic is going to upstage my entire post, but HOLY SPINNING BRIAN BOITANOS!!! Katarina Witt is hhhaaawwwtttttt. I think I feel faint.)

I was wearing this,

'Cause you know, it was Christmas, so I was wearing red. And it was Winter, so that's why I was wearing ice skates. Yes, even in bed. You just never know when my brother-in-law might jump out and scare you into a triple Lutz. And if I were wearing that top number that Katarina has on, well...my boobs would've fallen out.

My poor Mother. No wonder she keeps a jug of this close by.