Roller Derby Santa Barbara Smackdown

This is Santa Barbara, California. It's where I live, work and play. It's truly a beautiful spot, very surreal in its landscape. And I have to routinely remind myself that the scenery is indeed real and not a movie backdrop. There are many things wonderful here and many things that are very typically Southern Californian.

Many folks here would like to think of Santa Barbara as being on the Central Coast. And many folks here think of us as being part of Southern Cal. The truth is, we're right on the cusp of both...So, kind of both and neither.

Many of you know that I work at UC Santa Barbara as basically a cameraman. I have various other responsibilities as well that I won't bore you with, but basically, I'm a cameraman.

As I've stated before, it's a good job. I get paid well for what I do. I've learned FAR more than in my intoxicated/hungover undergrad days at Kent State University, because I actually go to class. And not only that? But, I listen as well. Imagine. Actually, I've learned far more than I'd like on some occasions. This job also allows me time to pursue tainting the world with my evil ideas through my idiotic writing.

Anyway, the bike path that traverses and dissects the UCSB campus is WILD. The amount of students on the bike path is ludicrous and attempting to cross it as a pedestrian is one of the few times I fear for my life in Santa Barbara.

When there's a collision, it doesn't really look like this:

Which looks like an ad for Viagra. It looks like this:

But try to imagine that there's about 5 people with tread on their foreheads, piled up in a heap in front of this bike waiting for the guy to land on them.

They're coming from both directions, as are skateboarders. And all of them behave JUST AS people do when they're driving large/heavy mechanical objects on the freeway (they're called cars) at incredibly high rates of speed. Meaning, that they're doing everything else, rather than concentrating on operating their chosen mode of transportation, while all of our lives hang in the balance.

It's no secret that I dream of setting trip-wires all over campus to catch these skateboarders, rollerbladers and bike riders unawares.

And sometimes I fantasize about sticking a large stick in the spokes of a passing bike.

But, as I've stated before, I detest the smell of burnt teeth. And with the inevitability of people encountering my "trip-wires", they would no doubt skid to a stop on their teeth, causing that putrid smell that I hate so much. The smell of burnt molars would permeate the air over campus and for this I would be sad.

That's why I don't set trip-wires. So, until then, I have to endure the crossing of the bike path. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't lugging camera and sound equipment on a cart. It's kind of like a barge trying to cross a freeway.

Well, I basically wanted to set the stage for you. I came across an open letter from a skateboarder to bike riders on the bike path. What strikes me so funny (besides some obvious points that you'll read), is that the letter is from an innocent skateboarder

who is upset by his "investment" in his "29.5 inch, platinum series, Sector 9 skateboard" not being optimized in its use. (I think that we can guess what that ".5 inch" is.)

Many of the skateboarders on campus think and act like they're surfing,

which just adds to a LOT of collective eye-rolling from those of us who are not on skateboards.

With the bikes, I'm concerned that should we collide, there's a very good chance that I'm going to be impaled by a cell phone, over sized sunglasses, fake blond hair, Lee Press-on nails and a tube of lipstick. But, at least all the silicone and collagen will cushion the impact.

With the skateboards, I'm frightened for the integrity of my shins and my kneecaps.

Okay, without further ado...Here's the letter to the Editor of the Daily Nexus (campus newspaper), March 7, 2007:

"As someone who only a short time ago invested in a 29.5 inch, platinum series, Sector 9 skateboard, I am insulted by possible skateboard restrictions. If rules are to be passed restricting skateboarders from using the pedestrian path, I am thus forced to ride my bike to class each morning. As such, I have a few laws of my own I'd like to see implemented to ensure my well-being on my daily ventures into our war-like bike paths.

1) Girls, if you're wearing shoes that don't have laces on them, you shouldn't be on a bike. That means you, UGGs, creased white miniskirt and oversized glasses girl.

2) Riding a bike requires two hands, so don't act like the curb popped out of nowhere when you were on your T-Mobile Sidekick texting your mom about your new Tiffany's bracelet.

3) To those who wear a spandex uniform and a helmet to match, I realize that the Tour de France is only a few months away and you have considerable training to do, but stop trying to race me. My beach cruiser doesn't have gears.

4) The bike path is not happy hour at Dublin's, so save the gossiping for then and stop biking side by side.

5) It's true, spin classes are all the rage this year, especially if you are trying to keep off the Freshman 15, or maybe in your case, sweetheart, the Sophomore 30. But please learn how to use the gears on your bike. You don't need to be pedaling your ass off in first gear on flat roads.

6) This isn't the fucking Stone Age and you are not Fred Flintstone. If your brakes don't work, dragging your feet on the ground is not a suitable replacement.

7) If you ever try to make a right turn from the left side of the lane or vice versa, don't act surprised or angry when you get t-boned by Jessica sipping on her double venti mint mocha."