RECENT QUOTATIONS IN MY LIFE

From our friend Jane: “I can’t believe that Jennifer Tilly gave me the stink eye throughout the entire evening! She was such a bitch.”

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A frantic phone message I received from our friend Giselle: “KEVIN! I’M TRYING TO PICK OUT SOME LINGERIE AND A NEW VIBRATOR! I NEED YOUR ADVICE! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU??? DAMN IT!!”

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From our friend Jen: “Oh yeah! She BREAST FED her youngest until he was 4 ½! Now he’s 6 and he still sleeps with them! And trust me, her reasons for doing this are NOT healthy. She’s a total whack job.”

My response: “Oh man…her boobs are probably so stretched out, she can probably breast feed kids around the corner. She can probably breast feed people in ANOTHER ROOM!”

Jen: “YEAH!”

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Me: “Will, it was so disturbing…she kept rubbing her vagina on the fence and poor Sam was just standing there not knowing what to do. He looked scared.”

Will: “I know. She sniffed my balls this morning, then turned around and her vagina began winking at me. It was awful.”

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A stranger asks me: “What’s that you’re taking?”

Me: “It’s my birth control pill.”

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Me: “Will, there was literally a white FLAG that had ‘Suck Cock' scrolled in big black letters along with a picture drawn of a penis and balls on it...Will...it was actually fluttering in the breeze, like it was an advertisement.”

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Our friend Molly recollecting a college friend: “She broke her vibrator after 3 months!! 3 months!! I asked her if she checked the batteries and she said, yes. She was certain that she broke it.”

The response from our friend ‘The Baron’ – Molly’s fiancé: “I’m glad that I dated you and not her.”