Birthday Gratitude

Today is Will's Birthday. And I'm thrilled to be able to celebrate it. And he's thrilled for it to go by as quickly as possible. He hates his Birthday. He hates that it marks him turning another year older. His Mother hates her Birthday, that it marks her turning another year older. And we have a few other friends and family members that feel the same regarding their own birthdays.

I used to feel exactly the same way. I didn't even really want to acknowledge it. I didn't want other people to as well. I think that it embarrassed me more than anything. I didn't like people making a bother over me.

However, I have some VERY faithful friends who ALWAYS acknowledged it. But after I continued to make such a fuss over wanting to ignore it, one of them actually did. And then, THEN, I was like, "HEY! WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY, ASSHOLE!"

And she replied with full merit, "Umm...no. You're the asshole, you WANTED me to forget your Birthday."

And then I retorted, "BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! WELL, YOU SURE SHOWED ME, DIDN'T YOU!"

Ohhh...the martyr speaks clearly now...grasshopper surpasses teacher.

But truly, I realized something that day. I realized that I DID enjoy someone acknowledging my Birthday. However, more than that, with me being a sour-puss over my own Birthday, I wasn't allowing people to do what they really wanted to. In a huge way, I realized that my Birthday really wasn't about me, it was about the people who loved me, all 2 of them.

And when I thought about how excited I get over other people's Birthdays, it reinenforced the notion of celebrating them in my life. Not really celebrating their marking of another year so much, but acknowledging them specifically on that day, acknowledging how much better off my life is with them in it. And letting them know this.

I also am lucky to have great role models for marking my years. My Mom and Dad. My Mom says that when she turned 40, it bothered her. And she decided on that day, that not another Birthday would bother her. She turned 75 this past summer and my Dad will be 80 next summer. And both of them, though occasionally cantankerous (then again, so am I) are becoming more beautiful. Someone had once asked my Mom if she would ever have a face-lift or any cosmetic surgery done and she contemplated it. Then she said, "No, I don't need to. I'm happy with who I am, I've worked hard getting these wrinkles."

My Mom and Dad still sail, snorkel, snow ski, fly their airplane (they actually crash landed their open cockpit bi-plane a couple of years ago, threw it in the hangar and headed to their place in Florida), still ride their motorcycle, play tennis and golf, and can still play a mean game of keep-away in the pool. Dad still hoists himself up in the trees around their house to cut dead limbs down and obviously with conversations like this and this, they're still full of piss and vinegar.

I guess my point is, in this "youth" oriented society, that Birthdays really don't have much to do with turning another year older, but more of a reason for others to celebrate another's existence. And if they do have a little to do with growing older, that's okay too, because growing wiser isn't for sissies.

And to my Will, today I celebrate YOU and the profound influence that you've had upon my life. I've waited for you for a VERY long time and when I contemplate what life was before you, or what life would be without you, well...the tears that dance and spill speak of the loneliness and the longing and the wishing to have someone to share my life with and the complete shattering of my heart at the thought of being without you.

I haven't been surprised by how much you've made me laugh, or cry, or contemplate life. I haven't been surprised by how much more complete my life feels with you in it. I haven't been surprised by how much I admire you for so many reasons and continually feel wonderment by your talents as a man and as an artist. However, what has surprised me is how completely astonished you've left my heart, how completely and utterly astonished. It will never be the same...and for that, I'm eternally grateful. I love you, Will...even though I'd like to choke you sometimes, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, GOD, OR UNIVERSE, OR WHATEVER YOU ARE, for Will.