Dickie In D.C.

Our correspondent Dickie in D.C. has been hard at work again. You may remember him from the Dead Chihuahua Used As A Weapon fame. Or maybe you remember him from the light bulb in the ass and the Ross Sisters fame? Well, he's brought us a few snippets of news for our viewing pleasure. Shall we begin?

Okay, so I know that you probably can't read this article. Well, what happened was a guy in Denmark was getting a mole surgically removed from his ass, his genitals were saturated in sterile cleanser or some such stuff, and he unfortunately farted...catching his peep and balls on fire.

When he awoke, he was rather angry at having his danger zone be a...well...a danger zone. He also probably didn't care for the hospital staff serenading him with repeated renditions of GOODNESS! GRACIOUS! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!! Or maybe friends and family were upset that they hadn't been invited to the wienie roast? Okay, bad joke, sorry. Talking about one hot fart though, huh? The hospital should feel fortunate that he hadn't eaten burritos the night before. He probably would've ignited the whole joint.

On to the next one:

Now, I'm not real sure if one is more stupid than the other in this instance. I mean, yes, she shouldn't have been performing that while he was cooking. However, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE SPILLED BOILING OIL DOWN HER NECK AND BACK, THEN HAD THE NERVE TO HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN??? What a fucker. They're both stupid, but wasn't there something else he could've done rather than hit her in the head with the pan? I'm mean...Dude...

I would think that he should've had a clue to his future with her by her name, reportedly: Emgona Biteyercockov. I think that she was from the Ukraine.

And last, but certainly not least:

I don't even really know what to say with this one. I'm going to hell because I couldn't stop laughing. But, I was going to hell a long time ago. I don't even want to go to heaven anymore, I WON'T KNOW ANYONE!

So, anyway, can you imagine this? And the crowd was cheering wildly because they thought it was part of the act? I do feel bad for the little guy, I mean bouncing sideways and then ending up there??? That must have REALLY sucked...or digested or something. I also feel bad for the Hippo though. I don't know what the outcome was, but I bet it wasn't good for the Hippo either. They were both probably like, "What the hell?"

Or maybe, the poor little guy's last words were; "Fuck... pheuan, hawng thii nii kheun la thao-rai?" Thai for; "Fuck... dude, how much is a room here per night?"

And maybe the poor hippopotamus said, "Phom dii-chan mai khao-jai." Thai for; "I don't understand."