Shit Breath
The day after the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics this past year, I was on the phone with my parents. It was a brief, yet disturbing phone call. We tend to have those occasionally. Will and I had fallen asleep and didn’t see most of the opening ceremonies. Well, apparently, Susan Sarandon and Yoko Ono were there and a part of it and let me just tell you that my parents were PISSED.
My mom, who doesn’t have a truck driver mouth like, umm…me, said, “That SLUT Susan Sarandon was there! She’s a DAMN SLUT!”
And Dad chimed in (because they were on speaker phone), “And that ASSHOLE YOKO ONO!”
I was a little shocked and said, “Why is Susan Sarandon a slut?” (Not venturing into Yoko’s hole-territory.)
Mom: “She has babies from all kinds of guys and she’s not even MARRIED to that Tom Robbins!! And she had all HIS BABIES!!” (She made it sound as though Susan Sarandon had 50 babies.)
Dad: “YEAH!!! WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID!!!”
Me: “She does NOT have babies from all kinds of guys, Mom…and his name is Tim Robbins.”
Mom: “YES SHE DOES!”
Dad: “YEAH!!!”
Me: “She’s actually done quite a bit of work for third world relief and devotes much of her time to charitable causes.”
Mom: “YEAH? WELL, SO DOES THAT BITCH, ANGELINA JOLIE! She’s pregnant with Brad Bitt’s baby and they haven’t even gotten MARRIED! SLUT!”
I was like, is this Rose Mary’s baby? Is this the bride of Satan? What’s going on?
So, I continued (my 4th mistake).
Me: “It’s Brad Pitt and did you know that Angelina Jolie gives away one third of her salary to charity?”
Mom: “Well, GOOD FOR HER!! SHE’S STILL A BITCH!!”
Dad: “YEAH!!!”
I became real quiet. And my mom lit in again…
Mom: “OH, NOW YOU’RE ALL MAD!”
Me: “No, I’m not mad, but I don’t want to talk with you guys anymore. Let’s talk another time.”
Mom: “That bad, huh?”
Me: “Well, this just isn’t very nice. It’s not very nice what you’re saying and you don’t even know these people.”
Dad: “NEITHER DO YOU!!!”
Me: “That’s not the point. Look, I love you both, I just don’t want to talk with you when you’re both so filled with hatred against people who have different ideas than you do. Let’s talk tomorrow or later this week.”
Dad: “We didn’t know you liked Susan Sarandon.”
Me: “I respect the work she’s done for third world charities and admire her bravery for having opinions that were (WERE) very unpopular during a time when there was a blind mob mentality that was full of stewing hatred swinging toward anything that seemed like an enemy. It’s awfully peculiar how when a man has a strong opinion, he’s assertive, but when a woman has a strong opinion, she’s a bitch. I’m not mad at you guys, I just don’t want to talk with you right now.”
We said that we loved one another and that we would talk soon. After we hung up the phone I was shaking, but I was glad that I didn’t yell at them and slam the phone down into its cradle leaving them with a bang and a dial tone, as I’ve done in the past. We talked later in the week and everything was fine. We didn’t mention the previous conversation and let it go.
The Olympics continued and the morning after the closing ceremonies, we were talking yet again. They had me on speakerphone, as usual. Will and I didn’t see the event, but I knew I was going to hear allll about it. And my mother began, “Did you guys see the closing ceremonies?”
Me: “No, we fell asleep.”
Mom: “Well, Ricky Martin performed and HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS STRAIGHT FROM HELL!!!” (Which translates to lots of bodies dancing in skimpy clothes and flames of fire shooting from somewhere on stage – the vision of Sodom and Gomorrah that always makes them think of hell.)
Me: “Oh…”
Mom: “Yep! Straight from hell!”
Dad: “YEAH!!!”
There was a moment of silence while a big smile of resignation stretched across my face and I began to chuckle to myself.
Mom and Dad (gently inquiring): “Do you like Ricky Martin?”
Me: “NO! I BET HE’S STRAIGHT FROM HELL!”
That was the best way to avoid another disagreement. And really, I don’t give a shit one way or the other about Ricky Martin, though I’m pretty sure he’s not straight, nor from hell. But, what I do give a shit about is when people talk out of ignorance, when they broadcast their lack of knowledge on someone or something. When they actually think that someone who has different ideas or opinions, has no other redeeming qualities. It’s basically talking out of your ass…and we allll know what that smells like.
