OHHH, ME SO HORNY!!! — HERCULANEUM

Why do I even bother trying to seem "normal"? For Christ's sake WHY? WHY, MAN? WHY???

Today is the LAST day of the nightmare summer session here at UC Santa Barbara. It has really, REALLY been something else! But, now it's over and I'm UNBELIEVABLY happy and extremely relieved.

Many of you know about previous escapades and follies that I've managed to accomplish quite proficiently here at work. If there's a metaphorical pile of shit (or hell, even a literal one), I'll manage to slip and fall right into it. I won't come out smelling too badly, but I WILL fall into it.

My office is in an attic of a building here on campus. Literally an attic. It doesn't have any windows and doubles as a video/DVD library for the University. I have a corner of the attic where my desk, computers and streaming video server are placed. I'm also surrounded by numerous spools of wire and cable stacked to the ceiling, large lockers of video equipment, old manuals, old tools, speakers from the 1970's, VCR's, out-dated monitors and drawers and drawers of nuts, bolts, connector-thingies, screws and...you get the picture. This all translates into a torture chamber should there be an earthquake while I'm up here, which would result in the last thing to go through my mind would be my kneecaps...and a VCR.

The upside is that seldom does anyone come up here and I have a LOT of privacy because I like to sit up here naked while encoding videos and writing to my colleagues. (If anyone from work is reading this, I do NOT sit up here naked...all the time...just sometimes.) But truly, I don't deal with office politics and have to listen to who doesn't like who for whatever stupid ass reason. And it's nice and quiet and even though I don't have a window, I appreciate the solitude.

However, when I come up the stairs, I don't readily know if anyone else is up here. I don't normally call out to see if anyone is here.

So, today I was a little exuberant about the ending of the summer session. I walked up the stairs into my attic talking on my work-cell to a student-worker of mine directing him what to do with a problem he was having. I was oblivious to the presence of anyone else in the area. After I hung up the phone, I was walking on the sunshine of the last day and decided to spontaneously break out into song with a voice that was a cross between some type of baby voice and some odd impersonation I do of a Chinese prostitute that I met in Hong Kong some years ago. And the lyrics went something like this...Actually, exactly like this:

"OH! ME SO HORNY!! OH-OH!! ME SO HORNY!! OH! ME SO HORNY!!! ME RUV YOU RONG--TIME!!!"

I sang this...by myself...while grinding my pelvis into the air.

And then I heard a cough. A forced cough. Someone was trying to let me know that they were there, maybe before I proceeded any further.

I then did something EVEN MORE moronic. I tried to re-create the sound (like you do with your shoe, or a chair to cover up a fart or something that sounded like a fart) by squealing and making REALLY bizarre whimpering noises that THEN sounded like a deranged Chinese prostitute getting totally poked in the whiskers and this just completely confirmed that I am an imbecile. Realizing that this was going quite badly, I resigned my efforts, sat in my chair and pretended to look busy with a delusional thread of dignity that I still have left.