Night Brawlers

In the middle of the night lastnight, as I was deep in slumber, my head resting comfortably on a plush pillow and my legs wrapped in cool sheets, a tepid, gentle breeze lapping at the covers was blowing in from the study window. Wednesday was nestled inbetween my legs - apparently my ass must be a furnace - and Gomez was nuzzled up and somehow wedged into my right arm-pit (another furnace and I'm sure the most wonderfully aromatic places to snooze). I sleep as a contortionist works. But, I was asleep. Sound asleep. Even the crickets were sleeping (as well as the crabs from Jennster). And the still of the night was solid. Right up to the point where Will PUNCHED me in the face and busted my lip.

You see, Will punches in his sleep. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that's an extreme form of passive-aggressive behavior. And I would normally agree with you. However, he punches himself too. So, maybe it's a combination one-two punch (some pun intended) of passive-aggressive behavior and masochism. There have been times when he's busted his own lip. And he's actually given himself a black eye before as well. He can't even keep a glass of water on the night stand, because he'll punch it right off. It's like sleeping with a kangaroo.

So, last night, I got MY lip busted. I woke up with a "FFAAA?! (I don't know about you, but I really can't form words when I've been woken with a punch to the mouth) YOO DDST PUNNTHED ME!" He was actually incredulous about my accusation, which was just insulting. He replied with, "WHAA??? (He can't form words after punching someone else in the mouth during sleep) I DDNN'T MEAAAIT!" And indignantly went back to sleep...probably snickering - thinking, "Hehehe, there... that'll teach that fuckface for yelling at me for not taking the dogs out."

One time he punched me in the back. That felt really good. Getting punched in the spine, I love that.

I shouldn't be too hard on him though, I have nightmares. So, he punches, I scream. I get it from my Mother. She has these nightmares where she'll just belt it out, screaming her bloody head off. It's no wonder my Father needed by-pass surgery in January. Growing up, I'd be sound asleep in my bed and all of a sudden my Mother would SCREECH at the top of her lungs. After removing my head from the ceiling of my bedroom and sweeping up all the plaster and adding it to the pile in the corner, I would wait and see if anyone was being murdered or not. Then, when I realized the coast was clear, I'd go back to bed and we'd all talk about it the next morning laughing. My Mom would say, "All these snowmobiles were in the room! It was AWFUL!" And we'd laugh, "HAHAHAHA", because unless they're laying tread on your face, there's not really a whole lot that's scary about snowmobiles sitting in your bedroom. My Father never thought it was funny.

So, now I scream. And if Will tries to wake me up, I scream louder. And what's even worse, is that my balls are totally insulted by it. Because I don't know about you, but trying to scream when you're sleeping is NEVER flattering. There's NO way to scream "manly" during a nightmare. It comes out more like a wounded goose bellowing Silent Night...at least the first few notes.

Well, Will had forgotten all about the jab to my pie-hole. As we were on our way to meet some friends for sushi, I said, "Bubba" (we call each other 'Bubba') slugged me in the kisser and busted my lip lastnight." And without skipping a beat, he said, "And if you keep it up, I'll do it again..." WHOA! Those sound like fightin' words to me, buddy! Humm...maybe I can get him back by conjuring up a nightmare of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter trying to make-out with me. Or maybe I can evoke an image of a moist, naked Michael Jackson - any of those should get me screaming, probably puking simultaneously as well. Or maybe I can summon a visual of getting punched in my fucking face - oh...wait a minute, I don't have to dream about that.